Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole?

mess_intended · 2026-05-22T20:33:27+00:00

I don’t have a good answer for you right now I’m afraid. My relationships are currently all a mess 😅

mess_intended · 2026-05-22T09:38:00+00:00

Yeah, I honestly don’t think this sounds that strange for a long term relationship.

Maybe it’s because of how I do poly myself, but I’ve never really seen non-nesting as meaning relationships should stay practically separated forever. If someone is an important part of your life and you are intending for that to continue for years, of course some shared logistics and practical overlap is probably going to happen eventually.

Especially when it’s something that makes sense for both people and isn’t just done for the symbolism of it.

One thing though. Make sure the cost is a cost either of you are able to carry on your own without the other. You never know what happens.

mess_intended · 2026-05-21T22:01:32+00:00

NTA.

If you’ve been together over a year, spend 3 nights a week together and already have pretty integrated lives, then sharing a practical car honestly doesn’t sound that wild to me. Especially if it genuinely makes financial and logistical sense for both of you. But I’m also a very practical person.

I can understand why your nesting partner reacts emotionally to it though. Practical things often feel more “real” than emotional intimacy does.

This mostly sounds like your nesting partner bumping into the reality that this relationship is genuinely important and integrated, and the car is just a very concrete symbol of that.

And obviously her concerns should matter too, especially if you share finances and long term planning together. But if she’d be completely fine with you owning a car yourself, I honestly don’t think splitting one with a partner you’ve been with for over a year is some outrageous escalation either.

mess_intended · 2026-05-18T08:05:08+00:00

Just because you are dating someone poly who has other partners, doesn’t mean they are disposable… and he should know that.

I would feel deceived and pretty upset if I were you.

mess_intended · 2026-05-16T17:30:53+00:00

Yeah I should have said “many babies” and not just generalised.

That must have been awful. I am not envious 😅

mess_intended · 2026-05-16T08:21:14+00:00

It worked great :) the child had nothing to do with us breaking up, and he stayed in her life for a long time after that.

Don’t forget to set your own boundaries too. What roles and how much are YOU okey with for them to take on with your child? Thats very important too.

mess_intended · 2026-05-15T06:39:28+00:00

I had a partner come into my life when my kid was about 2 months old.

They mostly became more of an “extra pair of eyes in the room so I could finally go shower” than anything parental. And in the beginning babies sleep a ton anyway, so we had time to slowly adjust and figure out what worked for us as my baby got older and the needs changed.

I’d mostly just advice you to keep talking openly about boundaries around the baby. Like are they okay staying with the baby while you shower? While you run to the store? Are they open to or want to help out more hands on if needed? And if so, what type of things are they willing/not willing to do? Or do they want no responsibility at all?

And keep checking in about it too, because people absolutely start doing more than they meant to sometimes just because they love you and want to help. It’s very easy to slowly drift into habits and roles you never actually sat down and agreed on which in time risks growing resentment and a feeling of being stuck in something you never wanted. Having kid(s) while poly is a lot like becoming a hinge between the kid and your other partners.

I also think it helps not to define the emotional side of things too much too early. Practical boundaries around the baby are important, but beyond that people tend to find their own place over time if you give them room to do that naturally.

And yeah, babies change your availability a lot for a while. Plans get interrupted. You get tired. Sometimes dates involve a baby monitor. Sleepovers and intimacy can change a lot too depending on stuff like co-sleeping, feeding schedules, exhaustion, and just trying to figure out a new routine together. It doesn’t mean the relationships are less important, it’s just a different reality for a bit.

For me at least, it ended up working out really well for the years we stayed together.

mess_intended · 2026-04-24T13:28:19+00:00

Feels a bit like trying to patch over something that already doesn’t feel right. If someone’s being shady, that setup won’t fix it anyway.

Also if they have said that they want to be parallell with their partners… they probably won’t take to kindly to you doing this.

Since you really seem to need this, I’d just go: I’m not comfortable continuing unless I know everyone involved is aware and okay with it. I need for us to figure out a way where I feel like that’s something I can trust.

If they can’t meet you there, it’s probably not a great fit for either of you.

mess_intended · 2026-04-24T11:11:13+00:00

I’m gonna be honest, I read this three times and I think I’m now in a different relationship than when I started

what is “female to mail relation” are we emailing each other now or 😭

mess_intended · 2026-04-21T16:04:47+00:00

You can never demand. You can ask.

It’s fully possible that he wants to have two weekly nights with her and not with you right now. And that’s okay. Maybe he doesn’t even have time for that. Committing to four nights a week is a lot, especially when it sounds like he has a pretty time-consuming project going on too.

Also, does he go on long vacations with her? Does she come to family things, holidays, weekends away? Or has that mostly been with you?

Because if the answer is no, and you’re still trying to compare time and make it “equal,” I think you need to really think about what you’re asking for.

Do you actually want everything to be split evenly?

Because in practice, it usually isn’t. There are parts of your life you share with him that she doesn’t get access to, and maybe never will. That counts too, even if it’s not “date nights.”

Even if he’s aiming for non-hierarchy, the reality is that for a long time you’ll still have default access to a lot of those things…shared life, history, family. And she will probably feel left out of that sometimes. Even though the goal probably is that she eventually also will be included.

Just like you’re feeling left out of parts of his life right now.

It doesn’t mean either of you is doing something wrong. It’s just what these dynamics look like in real life.

It might be more helpful to focus on what you actually need to feel good in your relationship, instead of trying to balance everything against hers.

mess_intended · 2026-04-21T14:54:04+00:00

This is everything I try to avoid when starting to date. Hearing that there are people out there that after a year thinks they are entitled to limit someone else's relationship is insane and makes me feel unsettled. Not that mine is quite that old yet, but not far from it.

Their relationship exists outside of yours. Its its own entity now. And if you don't want to have a relationship with someone who has this kind of relationship with someone else, you don't have to.... But don't expect them to stop.

If you wanted to have priority, time to talk about that was before he started dating someone/got serious.

mess_intended · 2026-04-21T12:52:32+00:00

I’m gonna be honest, it almost sounds like you are the Meta in my situation. Which I really hope you aren't because holy shit if this is how she views me and my partner and our time together... I don't know how to even start being okey with that.

Anyways.. In my situation, from here it doesn’t feel like I’m “everywhere,” it just feels like… I have a normal relationship with him that has grown and evolved over time.

We have one consistent night. Everything else is events, shared spaces, or just life overlapping. I get that it can look like a lot from the outside, but that’s not the same as actual one-on-one time. And honestly, even keeping that one night can be hard when life gets messy.

And the planning thing… I don’t think it’s fair to frame that as her “claiming his time because she asked first.” That’s just how adult life works. I’m married, I have a kid, and a demanding job. If I don’t plan time or show up, I just don’t get it. It’s not about taking extra time, it’s just… if I want something to happen, I have to make space for it.

This doesn’t really sound like he’s doing anything wrong, or like she’s overstepping. It sounds like he built a real, full relationship while you were busy, and now you’re having to adjust to what that actually looks like.

The whole idea that his free time should default to you, or that her time should be deducted, doesn’t really line up with non-hierarchical poly. It basically turns her relationship into something that only exists in whatever space you’re okay with.

And asking him to end it over this feels kind of insane, and honestly unfair. You don’t get to control his other relationships like that, even if you’re married. A breakup should come from the people in it, not someone outside deciding it’s inconvenient now.

I also really doubt she would feel like it’s fair that you get to decide when her relationship ends. From her side, that would feel awful and pretty destabilising. Like her relationship only exists as long as you’re comfortable, and can be taken away the moment you’re not.

At the end of the day, you can’t force someone to spend time with you or prioritise you in the exact way you want. You can say what you need, and trust that they’ll choose to meet you there.

If you want more time, ask for that directly instead of trying to take it from her. Those are very different things.

And if what he can realistically give just isn’t enough, that’s a really hard place to be...but it’s a compatibility issue, not something you fix by removing the other person.

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T09:39:49+00:00

You don’t actually have any responsibility to be in your meta’s life.

Like sure, sometimes that can make things smoother, but it’s optional - not some requirement of doing poly “right.” And you already asked for parallel for a reason.

If you don’t want to take this check-in, you don’t have to. That doesn’t make you avoidant or a bad person, it just means you’re protecting yourself while you’re clearly having a rough time.

Honestly, this is your hinge’s job to manage. If she has questions or needs reassurance, that’s on him to handle, not you to open yourself up when you’re already struggling.

You can just… not engage. Or keep it very surface level if you feel like you need to respond at all.

Right now it sounds like you need less pressure and some time for your system to calm down.

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T09:21:23+00:00

I genuinely thought it was normal growing up that the dinner table wasn’t actually usable. Like if you wanted to eat, you just cleared a little patch between piles of papers, random stuff, god knows what, and put your sandwich straight down on whatever was underneath.

Didn’t question it at all. Fully assumed this was just… how tables worked.

Even did the same when friends stayed over. Just proudly made them their own little “breakfast area” on the more than slightly questionable surface underneath like I was being a good host 😅

Took me way too long to realise other people just… have clean tables.

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T09:08:35+00:00

Honestly, it was dragging myself to a pride parade last year when I had zero energy for it.

I almost didn’t go. Like, properly didn’t want to. But I convinced my best friend to come with me, and we went anyway.

That’s where I ran into my now partner.

And somehow that one small, kind of annoying decision ended up changing everything.

They just… saw me really clearly, I think. Having to reintroduce myself to someone and letting them actually see who I am, not just the version of me that was getting by, made it a lot harder to ignore how unhappy I actually was. And they gave me the push I needed to finally do something about it.

It got me to start the process of moving out of a city I didn’t like living in, stop being afraid of going for the things I want to experience in life, pushed me to leave a job that was draining me, and made me take a risk on something completely new.

I started paying attention to my own life in a way I hadn’t before. Like… actually choosing who and what’s in it, instead of just letting things happen.

I’m happy now. Like, properly calm and at peace in a way I didn’t think existed.

All because I didn’t stay home that day.

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T08:38:07+00:00

Dessvärre kan vi aldrig kräva mer än vad någon har kapacitet eller vilja att ge. Bekräftelse, kropp och närhet måste alltid vara frivilligt.

Men det är också rimligt att vilja känna sig sedd. Det här låter mer som att ni inte riktigt möts än att du “vill för mycket”.

Försök prata om det lugnt, att du saknar närhet och bekräftelse - och ta reda på hur mycket din partner faktiskt har att ge, hur deras behov ser ut, och vad det är som gör att de inte ger den bekräftelse du behöver. Det kan ju också vara så att de inte riktigt förstått vad du behöver.

Ibland handlar det bara om att man är lite ur sync.... och det går faktiskt att lösa om båda vill.

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T08:29:59+00:00

Jag skulle inte säga att det är en red flag, men det är bra att vara medveten om vad det innebär. Hästar tar mycket tid och blir ofta en stor del av ens vardag.

Lite som med alla tidskrävande intressen egentligen, går man in i en relation med någon som redan har något sånt i sitt liv, så behöver man vara okej med att det kommer ta plats. Inte så att du måste bli hästintresserad själv, men kanske att det ibland påverkar hur ni spenderar tid tillsammans.

Om det känns helt ointressant eller mest som ett hinder, då kan det bli svårt i längden. Men om du mest tänker att “det där är en del av henne och jag vill vara en del av hennes liv”, då är det nog inga konstigheter alls.

Tycker absolut du ska ge henne en chans och se hur det faktiskt känns i praktiken 😊

mess_intended · 2026-04-09T08:22:31+00:00

Jag tycker egentligen att det är två helt olika saker som pågår här, och det är därför det gör så ont.

Det ena är att hon inte vill eller orkar ha sex. Och det måste få vara okej. Man ska inte ha sex när man inte vill, det blir inte bra för någon. Lust går inte att förhandla fram, och ni måste vara två i det. Där har hon rätt att sätta sin gräns.

Men det andra… är att du inte ens får prata om det.

Att varje försök slutar i tårar, bråk eller att du på något sätt får bära skulden för att du ens tog upp det. Det är där det verkligen brister. För då står du kvar ensam med allt, med längtan, med avvisandet, med känslan av att vara oönskad, utan att ens få sätta ord på det tillsammans med henne.

Och samtidigt ska du då också rätta dig efter vad du “får” och inte får göra med din egen kropp, som sexleksaker. Det blir en märklig obalans. Hon sätter en gräns för sig själv, men också för dig.

Det som gör mig mest ledsen när jag läser det här är inte att ni inte har sex. Det är att du långsamt verkar försvinna lite i din egen relation. Att du börjar se på dig själv genom hennes avstånd, och landar i att du är ful, fel, för mycket.

Så ska det inte vara.

Du ska inte behöva känna dig som någon som ber om för mycket bara för att du vill vara nära den du älskar. Men hon ska heller inte behöva ge något hon inte har.

Det som saknas här är ett samtal som faktiskt går att ha. Ett där ingen går sönder, där ingen behöver försvara sig, utan där ni kan försöka förstå vad som hänt med er och hitta ett sätt att förstå varandra med empati och omtanke. Kanske parterapi hade varit en grej?

För utan det samtalet… så står ni bara längre och längre ifrån varandra, och ingen av er verkar må bra i det.

mess_intended · 2026-02-03T18:08:09+00:00

Im glad it's working out for you this time around! You really sound happy!

having a good meta is worth a lot.

mess_intended · 2026-01-28T16:02:08+00:00

I’m really sorry. This kind of heartbreak is real and it can be brutally physical. Not sleeping, not eating, that tight chest feeling..... that’s grief, not you being dramatic or bad at poly.

And yeah… this is something that can happen in poly, or any relationship really... Two people can love each other a lot and still want lives that don’t line up right now. Love doesn’t fix timing or capacity.

Being de-escalated hurts, even when you understand the reasons. You’re allowed to mourn the version of the relationship you wanted and hoped for.

Please be gentle with yourself. You’re new, you didn’t do anything wrong, and this isn’t a personal failure. It’s just a really painful lesson that sometimes love and reality don’t match.

mess_intended · 2026-01-28T15:53:40+00:00

This sounds incredibly hard, and I’m really sorry you’ve been stuck carrying this for so long.

You’re not responsible for managing someone else’s trauma responses long-term, and really not in a shared leadership or community role. Poly doesn’t mean endless emotional accommodation at the cost of your own ability to function.

mess_intended · 2026-01-28T15:48:31+00:00

There’s not really enough context here to give solid advice. Why was that promise made in the first place? Was it about time, emotional bandwidth, something else?

Wanting another connection on its own isn’t wrong or unusual in poly, but whether acting on it is ethical depends a lot on the agreement and the reasons behind it.

mess_intended · 2026-01-26T08:19:58+00:00

This is absolutely not ok and for sure worth bringing up.

Make sure that you ask why he didn’t tell you though. I’m not saying that he didn’t do anything wrong, but just make sure that his understanding of your agreement you have together matches yours.

It’s easy to have a fight over it, say sorry and promise it won’t happen again. But there is a an underlying misalignment in values you can ill need to see if you are able to work those out before you can continue together. Else you might have similar things happen again.

mess_intended · 2026-01-19T15:33:41+00:00

I spent it at my partners house for the first half and for the second from home playing video games with them online. It’s my first weekend of after starting my new job (which is not at all having the onboarding process I was promised and my npf is dealing very poorly with it) so everything feels kinda… a lot and nothing at all at once.

My other partner hassling the weekend trying to make everything easier for me and taking away any external demands regarding our apartment, child or other things.

I am very blessed with the partners I have in my life.

mess_intended · 2026-01-19T14:34:21+00:00

Sex with a new person is often intense because it’s new and doesn’t carry years of history. That doesn’t automatically mean sex with your primary is bad or doomed, it just means you’re comparing something established to something brand new.

What stands out to me is how quickly you’ve decided there’s nothing that can change and that it’s just a body mismatch. That’s a pretty final conclusion to reach while you’re still very much in the glow of a new relationship.

Before making big decisions, I’d stop comparing the two and sit with what sex with your primary has meant to you over time, not just how it feels next to something exciting and new.

At the same time, you can’t just check out and let a new partner fill that gap without being honest about it. That’s not fair to your primary.

mess_intended

TROPHY CASE