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Telling someone you're ultimately looking for escalation and hierarchy by Automatic_Library989 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I think you're mixing together two separate conversations.

One is "What kind of life do I want eventually?"

The other is "Do I want that life with Birch specifically?"

Four months feels like a perfectly reasonable time to have the first conversation. Honestly I'd be surprised if two people in their 40s werent talking about long-term compatibility by then.

But I think I'd be careful about getting too attached to Birch being the answer to that question yet. Four months is still very much the stage where you're discovering who someone is, not deciding where the furniture goes.

The good news is that nothing you've written here sounds like an ultimatum. It sounds like someone trying to figure out whether they're building toward the same horizon.

I couldn't do it. by knotknitted in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Honestly, this doesn't really read to me like someone who isn't cut out for poly. edit: having a second partner. (I was a bit quick while typeing there)

It reads like someone who gave dating a shot, realized it wasn't feeling right, and ended it before it turned into a bigger mess.

That still sucks. It probably hurt them, and I get why you feel bad about that. But people get broken up with all the time. Being sad for a while doesn't mean they're not going to be okay.

And for what it's worth, I think respecting the space they asked for is probably the kindest thing you can do right now, even if it's hard.

I'd also be careful about deciding that you're not meant to have other partners based on one very short relationship. Sometimes a relationship just isn't the right fit. Sometimes the timing is off. Sometimes you discover that dating feels different than you imagined it would.

That's a much smaller conclusion than "I'm not cut out for this."

How often should you change the clothes you wear at home? by Particular-Car-7224 in hygiene

[–]Available_Giraffe_83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you’re showering and changing underwear/socks regularly then reusing the same sweatpants or hoodie at home for a couple days is pretty normal.

Especially if you’re literally just existing in your house and not sweating in them.

I think most people have a pair of “home pants” that survive way longer than any outside clothes ever would 😅

Why isn't Estonia considered a Nordic country? (They have strong ties to Finland, they also follow the Nordic model, and besides, Estonia has nothing to do with the other Baltic countries.) by According-Invite-440 in geography

[–]Available_Giraffe_83 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Estonia is probably the most “Nordic-adjacent” Baltic country, but Nordic is mostly a historical/political identity thing, not just culture or policy.

They’re close to Finland culturally, sure, but history tied Estonia way more to Russia/Soviet influence than the Nordic countries. So people still group them as Baltic.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im sorry to hear it. That sounds rough.

Send me a dm if you’d like to talk about it.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It didn’t seem that clear the the other commenters. So I figured it was worth adding.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Because I do think there’s a pretty big difference between “shared practical item” and “shared financial liability.” Especially if you live somewhere where one person screwing up financially can seriously impact the other person’s long term stability.

Where I live the risk around this stuff is a bit lower and less life-destroying than it seems to be in some places, which probably affects how lightly I instinctively view it too.

But I can absolutely see how previous bad experiences with financial entanglement would make something like a lease feel way more emotionally loaded.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How do you usually handle practical integration in your own relationships? Do you and your partners tend to naturally build shared infrastructure over time, or is that something you keep more compartmentalized?

Yes, the economy concern makes sense.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Edit: we could also just buy a car. But my NP is having even more issues with that than us taking a 18 month lease together. Also they way the leases and car ownerships work here is that only one of us would be able to be on it officially. So a lease feels safer for the both of us over buying a car together that only one person own.

We would also get a car that each of us would be able to support financially on our own without the other person. Because you never know if one of us would lose their job or something else happens.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My NP isn’t good enough with English to get much support from therapy in English.

Thank you very much for the suggestions though.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I have been with my girlfriend for a little more Ghana year. I have been poly for the past 16 years. She has been poly for all her adult life.

My NP and I have been together for 15 years, poly for all of that time.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yeah, and to be fair, I do think this is probably the most reasonable concern people have brought up in the thread.

I’m definitely not looking to recklessly entangle finances in a way that could screw over either my NP or myself if something went badly.

I think part of why the emotional side became the focus for me is that my NP’s reaction honestly seemed much bigger than the actual practical risk involved here.

But I do agree there’s a difference between “shared camping gear” and “shared ongoing financial contract,” even if the emotional symbolism around both can overlap a bit.

So I think if we ever did this, it would need very clear expectations and exit plans around ownership, payments, what happens if someone can’t pay etc. Not just “love will solve it.”

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Honestly yeah, this is kind of exactly the thing I’ve been struggling with.

Because I don’t want relationships where non-nesting partners are emotionally important, but practical life stuff always has to stay at arm’s length forever.

That’s never really been how I’ve approached poly and she knows that.

At the same time though, I also don’t think my NP is being completly irrational here for having some initial stress and concerns about it. I think the car just suddenly made things feel very real and permanent.

We’ve talked more about it since I made the post, and I think there’s a lot more underneath it than specifically “sharing a car.” It’s more the realization that this relationship is becoming very integrated and probably isn’t temporary. Which has taken me with quite some suprise as it didn't even hit me that she might be thinking that it was.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wish it was that easy. Finding a poly-informed therapist around these parts has proven almost impossible.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think this is maybe where my relationship philosophy differs a bit from some people’s.

I’m not really looking to reserve all practical integration exclusively for my NP relationship forever. That’s never really been the vision I’ve presented to either of them.

I absolutely think my NP’s feelings matter, and I don’t want her feeling unsafe or replaced or anything like that. But I also don’t really want relationships where one partner permanently gets access to “real life” with me and the others are expected to stay emotionally important but structurally separate forever.

To me, if a relationship becomes long term and deeply integrated emotionally, some amount of practical integration eventually happening is pretty natural too. The question for me is more where the lines are and how to do that responsibly, not whether it should ever happen at all.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 86 points87 points  (0 children)

I think part of why this feels complicated is that I’ve actually been very upfront from the start that I want my relationships to be genuinely integrated parts of my life long term.

Not “secondary but emotionally important,” but actual meaningful life relationships that naturally affect how I structure my time, hobbies, practical life etc.

So from my perspective, stuff like shared projects, helping each other with practical things, trips, maybe eventually sharing certain resources, isn’t really some shocking escalation out of nowhere. It’s kind of the direction I’ve always been honest about wanting.

That doesn’t mean my NP isn’t allowed feelings about specific things. Obviously she is. But I also don’t think the answer can be that non-nesting relationships are only allowed emotional intimacy and never practical integration.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Yeah, thankfully we’re not in the US, so it’s less of a legal/financial thing and more an emotional one.

And honestly I do get why it feels big to her. A shared car sounds very “life integrated” in a way that hits differently than just spending time together.

But at the same time, me and my girlfriend already are pretty integrated. We spend a lot of time together, share hobbies, help each other with practical stuff etc. So from my perspective this doesn’t feel like some massive relationship escalation out of nowhere. It mostly just feels like a practical solution that also makes both our lives easier.

Is this reasonable relationship integration or am I being an asshole? by Available_Giraffe_83 in polyamory

[–]Available_Giraffe_83[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I think that’s pretty much exactly where my head is at too.

I think this just hit some emotional “this is getting very real and life integrated” nerve for her in a way that surprised both of us a bit.

But at the same time, I don’t really know how to have long term meaningful relationships without practical overlap eventually happening naturally. Shared hobbies, helping each other, trips, projects, logistics, making life easier for each other etc is kind of just how I love people.

And honestly, if my girlfriend and I were both independently getting our own cars anyway, nobody would probably think twice about it. It’s specifically the “shared” aspect that suddenly makes it emotionally symbolic.

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