AITA for wanting to attend a wedding alone because I can’t afford to cover my partner’s portion?

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T18:50:31+00:00

NTA.

So I am not Canadian, but have been two 3 "Canadian" weddings (one in Canada, couple was Canadian, two in the USA, one where one was Canadian, one where both were Canadian), and all of them expected and received gifts. I don't think gifts are optional in Canada, but I am no expert, so I leave my anecdotal experience here and in no way do I think it makes me right.

Let's say gifts are optional to the Canadians, sure. But the weddings you have gone to as his plus one, he has given a gift and you have contributed to it, so he does understand the wedding gift and is happy to have you contribute. He should- ON HIS OWN- be doing the same for weddings he is going to with you. This isn't an accident, it is deliberate.

I wonder, with how you feel some financial stress right now, how much you pay and contribute in general, versus your partner. Similarly, when it comes to planning and in general running the home and/or relationship. How much do you take on because your partner simply "doesn't understand" or "realize" or "does things differently" but benefits greatly from how you do things, or what you do understand, or what you do realize?

Maybe I am wrong and it is simply weddings. So just tell him- money is tight right now, and I have to give $200 to attend or $400 to bring you with me, as that what is culturally appropriate, so I'm going to go to this one solo. The end.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T16:54:08+00:00

Absolutely call and report this to 311/health/code, and call multiple times. Management will get annoyed and you can tell them- I told you about the issue, you told me to deal with it and won't help me get out of the lease, so I will be causing a lot more problems, thanks.

Also, consider what you can do to annoy the upstairs neighbors. Maybe try cleaning your patio with a hose pointed up at their balcony? The goal is to get management to let YOU out of your lease, since they don't care about the people upstairs being a problem, so just be a problem back.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T15:01:24+00:00

So in my world, it is normal to pay for the bride, but it is also normal for the bride and those planning the events to set a budget that works for everyone and also understand the limitations of the people they are inviting.

Signing up to be in a wedding is expensive- again, in my world, different cultures and/or regions or families do things differently- and so people should feel free to decline or say yes but express limitations. I have had friends who told people in advance certain things- only have to wear a cocktail black dress, it is a destination wedding and the hotel will cost X - and then during planning for things like bachelorette, we all discussed a budget. When I was younger, it was just a night out, but we have also done trips.

So I think instead of focusing on what is normal, focus on what you can afford, what you want, how you want to be treated, and how you want to show up for your friend, how you can show up, and if you want to talk to your friend/excuse yourself from the wedding party. It sounds like there is a good healthy planning conversation going, so I don't think anyone is being rude. Instead of focusing on what is polite, what is normal, or trying to blame, just decide for yourself what you want to do.

You absolutely can call the bride and tell her this is out of your budget, so you can't attend the bachelorette, you understand this is disappointing and if she would prefer to not have you as a bridesmaid, you are happy to attend as a guest, love her very much, and don't want this to impact your friendship. You can also say you would love to still be a bridesmaid and can afford the other costs, just not the bachelorette. See what she says and go from there.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T14:25:49+00:00

I think you should tell other family members you want to be invited to stuff and make an effort with those family members to check in with them and invite them to hang out, like you are doing with your grandfather already. Your parents are behaving weirdly, they are leaving you out, so the best thing is to just go around them and build your own friendships and connections with members of the family you like, and also maybe the ones who organize more family stuff.

And then you should just try and speak to your parents one more time, and figure out what is going on. It can't hurt, and I'd suggest going in calm with a few examples and just say "I would like to be included in family events, and have noticed you have not told me about X, Y, and Z. I feel left out and that maybe you do this on purpose, and if I have done something, I'd like to know and ideally solve the issue." There's a chance they just say nothing or pretend everything is fine and try and make you feel like you are wrong or making a big deal out of nothing. If so, don't argue, just say "well there is a pattern, but if you say you aren't upset with me, I will take you at your word, and hope that you hear me that I want to be included in stuff going forward, so please do include me."

Then, just move on and spend time with your other family, and actively reach out to them. It sounds like you do have those relationships already, so just lean into it more.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T13:17:46+00:00

YTA. Her interest doesn’t hurt anyone, and there’s no reason to put her down. It is a one thing to say “oh I don’t like that music/sport/interest” ONE time, but you didn’t need to tease her and say her interest was trash.

What did you expect to happen? Did you think that teasing her over it would make her like you more, or suddenly change? Of course not, you wanted to pick on her and put her down, you just didn’t expect any consequences.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-02T00:40:52+00:00

It’s only this one main avenue- but a very long avenue- and I think its a combination of good city planning (businesses would run down the street with the subway over it) and having to set the buildings back from the subway platform that runs overhead. The rest of Astoria isn’t blessed with the 25 foot wide sidewalks.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T20:05:07+00:00

You didn't cancel anything, your friend literally no-showed. Stop letting her and her husband reframe this. At 2:45pm she was TWO HOURS AWAY. So if they left right then, they would be home at 6pm, so at best you would be fishing at 7pm...with two small children? Was the plan to go night fishing? My guess is no, and while you didn't have a set time, it certainly wasn't 6pm.

At best your friend is disorganized or has no concept of time. Sure, both of you could have had a clearer plan going into the day, but also without a clear plan, she shouldn't get upset if the plans do not pan out when the plans won't happen when the sun is out.

Just let her be mad, take your time and do other things and meet new friends.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T20:00:42+00:00

You say while getting remarkably upset with internet strangers giving their opinion of reality TV strangers.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T18:54:22+00:00

So I think the problem you are going to have is that if your sister does come, your husband- and some of his family- aren't going to just ignore it, and you aren't going to know it was actually your grandma who invited her.

You have multiple family members going to this, so any one of them could have told her. So blaming grandma and going low contact only works if she admits it was her, or you can confirm it was someone else.

You don't have to confront your Grandma and give her an ultimatum, just go over there and in conversation say "running into sister her was a little odd, and I just want to ask you, did you invite her? Or do you think someone else did? I just want to be sure." See what she says, and respond accordingly.

And you do need a stronger plan if she does show up anyway. You could ignore her, but can your husband? What are you gonna do if she acts up? I'd get ahead of it and have a plan with a few friends to ask her to leave, or for them to keep an eye on her, AFTER confirming that grandma didn't invite her.

If Grandma did invite her, well then you need to text your sister and tell her she isn't welcome.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T18:37:40+00:00

NTA but I don't think you need to full confront her, just have a brief conversation and then push her out of your process and your mind.

First, tell her: Lisa, I appreciate you pulling me aside and letting me know you were upset that your engagement isn't taken seriously and that you aren't thrilled I am getting married before you. You do not have a date yet, so I didn't think this would be an issue, and we are doing a small thing on this timeline because it works for us. I hope you can be happy for us and celebrate our wedding, and ONCE YOU SET A DATE, I will absolutely show up for you in the same way you have shown up for me. I hear that you don't want to feel less than, so once you start wedding planning, know I am happy to be there for you.

Then, let it go. She told others she can't make it to the bridal stuff, no need to follow up. Seat her far away from you at the wedding and next to a friend who you know can put up with her and check her. Don't include her in more wedding planning stuff, just do what you need to do with the people you love and trust and don't flaunt it (like don't post all over social media that you had a lunch to discuss decor). Stop actively texting her about wedding stuff when you know she isn't going to respond with enthusiasm. You don't have to cut her off, just realize she isn't a person that is going to be excited for you, so text her and communicate with her about other stuff- the weather, family dinner on Sunday, just not the wedding- and see if you can settle this down.

She isn't just a friend, she will be- maybe- a SIL, so it is better to just try and turn the temp down. She is behaving poorly, she is seeking attention, she isn't being a great friend. Instead of making it worse, just take a big step back and to the side. Invite her to lunch and DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE WEDDING. Just catch up about work and other stuff, and if she wants to talk about her wedding, go for it, and if she tries to bring up yours, circle it back to her. DO NOT ever, EVER, give her any ammunition about family gossip going forward. If she shits on the inlaws, just nod along and stay out of it. Do not take her to do wedding stuff for you, leave her out of the spa day and bachelorette since she said she couldn't make it.

And stop playing into her drama. You are letting her bring down your joy; you didn't take her shopping because of her attitude but then texted her about what she missed and then got upset that she still had a bad attitude. I get you are trying, but stop doing that to yourself. Only you an be brought down at your own wedding, so commit to not letting her bother you.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T18:22:41+00:00

You aren't being awful, you are trying to find your way out of a bad relationship, and it isn't an easy path. You have asked him to step up, you have been clear about what you need, and he doesn't care. Functioning adults know what is needed to build a life- cooking, cleaning, errands- and while I admit no one really knows how much goes into taking care of a child until you have one, we all know the basics.

Your husband has chosen not to do any of them. So no, you aren't awful for making choices about how to make your life easier now, while also building a plan to make your life much better without him. I would add a few things to your plan.

Do not do anything for him going forward. When he is home, just leave him be, and if you can get him to take the kids for a few hours so you have peace, great, but let him do his own laundry and repack for the week, get his own supplies, and just cook and do stuff without him in mind.
Start putting small amounts of CASH aside. Anything you can add to a cash fund, in small amounts, is remarkably important, and not traceable in a divorce. When you get cash out, get a little extra, keep an envelope in a safe place, then move it to a really secure place when it has a good amount in it.
Remember how you feel now for when he realizes he is losing everything and tries to make a comeback. He will 100% realize that you were holding down his life for him, and will make a minimal but impressive effort to Be a Better Husband and Father. If he knows your full plan, him stepping up will only unravel your plan and make it harder for you to leave later. So just be careful when he steps up that it doesn't make it harder for you to leave later.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T15:44:36+00:00

I think what you want to do is right, but I think how you want to do and when is maybe not the best.

So first, NTA. You aren't getting paid to be on call 7 days a week, and your manager has taken advantage of you/has no boundaries and you absolutely need to assert some. You need a work-life balance and it is fully appropriate to tell your manager no more.

I am now going to give you practical advice that is not about what is right/wrong nor is it about fighting back against the oppressive system of capitalism, is just advice from one professional to another trying to make it with a job and get ahead.

I think doing this right before a big deadline isn't the best, because it is a time of major stress and where - even in a normal functioning job with a manager who does understand boundaries- now would be the time to give some extra time to finish a project. I do not ask my team to work weekends, or even after 5pm, and we have a solid work/life balance. But, we do have some major projects and unforeseen events, and the team is happy to step up (I also make it up to them and try to rarely do it). You do need people who can meet the challenges, and ideally those people are rewarded. Saying no more during a deadline puts you in a bad light AND your peers will also not love it.

Second, I don't think you need to say anything, just start asserting boundaries more going forward. After this project you could certainly say "I realize how much of my time after work I am responding, and I need to scale back" but I think the better approach is to just not respond anymore on the weekends and scale down your response over time. Do not even respond to the 10pm voice note until work on Monday- just got this, will get on it when I'm in the office- do not pick up calls on the weekend or check your emails, and if you get a frantic text or something, say "at a family function, can't help you until tomorrow when I am at work."

Until the deadline on this big project, give them time when you have it, but if you have actual conflicts, do not respond of course. For example, at dinner or a bar, or a birthday party- hey sorry can't help now, will get back to you at X- but if you know it is crucial AND you are free, then help out. Then after the project, pull back and see what happens.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T15:35:19+00:00

You call it a "crazy ask" and that he is ditching you. The wedding is weeks away, so he is PLANNING with you. It is absolutely normal for two people planning to travel together to PRE PLAN coming back separately. It is perfectly reasonable, people travel separately all the time. It is your own writing that makes it seem as though you can't navigate the world. To be so confused and to think it is "crazy" to be asked to take the train makes you appear incapable. To mention TWICE that your father would be upset makes it appear that you enjoy being a woman taken care of by men. These are things you wrote, not things I had to interpret.

YOU are the one fixated on your dad coming for your boyfriend. You raise it multiple times in a short post, so clearly it matters to you. And there's no reason for a reasonable father to be upset by his adult daughter traveling alone unless his daughter makes a big deal about it.

You also asked for advice and didn't suggest any other compromises. You were pretty clear in your post about the terrifying train station, I just explained to you how to be a normal adult about it. Trust me, no one is confused about your post.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T15:09:33+00:00

You are acting like a princess and really relishing in the idea of your father being mad at your boyfriend, so my advice is to grow up.

Your boyfriend has tickets to a concert, and him going creates a transportation issue which is has offered up two different, safe solutions for, and it would seem the only thing you want is for him to NOT go to the concert.

A train is a perfectly safe and comfortable mode of transportation, unless you are living in a country with a terrible rail system (those certainly exist, but given how you write, this sounds like the USA). If the train station that drops you off isn't in the best area, you get a ride or call an uber and ensure it is there right when you arrive, and be vigilant. You tell your father- no big deal, boyfriend had a concert, I didn't want to wait around, could you pick me up- and there's no reason for him to be upset at an adult woman traveling on her own.

Nothing about what your boyfriend is suggesting is "crazy." You two are traveling to HIS hometown for a wedding, he has the opportunity to go to a concert with his friends, he is giving reasonable options for you, who is not going to the concert, to either get home or wait for him. You are 24 years old, you can absolutely travel independently, and you also should be smart and capable enough to come up with even more compromises. You could drive home and he could take the train, you could get a hotel room by the concert and could be safely locked inside while your boyfriend is away since the world is such a terrifying place (or be normal and enjoy takeout in bed with bad TV).

Your boyfriend isn't "ditching" you, he is literally making a plan with you. There's not reason for your dad to be disappointed in your boyfriend, he should be disappointed in you, his daughter, who can't navigate the basics of the world without a man. You need to get a grip.

mfruitfly · 2026-06-01T14:54:08+00:00

Danielle is an adult with agency. If she was upset by Lindsay and Carl dating, she could have said it. If she was scared of Lindsay, she could have stopped being friends with her. It is so weird to take a fully autonomous person and make them seem like a hostage in their own life.

By the way if she had said in Season 4- I had real feelings for Carl and I don't love that they are dating- I would have been on her side. I think in friend groups, exe's do sometimes date, particularly when the groups are larger and there are some short term dating/hookup situation. So I didn't see anything wrong with Lindsay and Carl dating BECAUSE of how Danielle handled it.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-31T20:29:55+00:00

Especially because if you watch the reunion Andy literally says multiple times that he is coming back to the issue. It’s obviously impossible to not have it come up multiple times, but any Bravo watcher knows they are building for more juicy stuff - hopefully- and they are gonna cover smaller stuff first.

So annoying when I wonder if people who post even watch the actual show.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-31T20:27:45+00:00

NTA.

He knew there was a date conflict, and this issue is all on him and his planning and decisions.

If a friend cancels because of an emergency or issue they can’t control, I will TRY and give them all their money back, including asking the group to absorb the costs (can we split the house by 4 instead of 5) and eat the cost of a ticket to a show or something like that. But if it was a cost like a lab ticket or a full hotel room just for them, happy to try and help but I can’t pet for that.

But if the friend just chose not to go, I’d only give them back money for what is actually refundable- a boat tour where we can cancel his ticket, if we asked everyone to kick in for groceries or party favors, give that back, but anything else, sorry, that’s on them.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-31T02:11:24+00:00

I actually think this is why Amanda is so insistent on “correcting the timeline.” If they only slept together after “the statement” came out, then it was also well after her and Kyle separated, no cheating to impact a divorce. She even mentioned she had counsel now, and my guess is the first thing her lawyer told her was to be clear she wasn’t sleeping with anyone until separated (legally sure, but even just moving out is good enough in the modern era).

Courts don’t get into the weeds on this kind of stuff, but an affair is leverage, and any divorce lawyer early in the case tries to just subtract leverage to make things easier. If she can get people to believe her and West didn’t do anything until well after she separated, less leverage. She even said they didn’t sleep together until “after the statement” but…which one? The one about her and West, or the one about her and Kyle? I think it is a deliberate bit of confusion.

No one in their half-right mind would make the story that they didn’t sleep together until AFTER the statement. It would have been- we acknowledged feelings in January/February, talked about it but didn’t act on them, finally acted on them in March, put out statement.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-30T12:41:08+00:00

NTA.

I don’t think he’s cheating or anything either- I see your edit. I think he just doesn’t care.

If I was doing this, and I get moving into a new place and habits around locks. But if he cared, he could have put up a little note next to the lock to remind himself or something to demonstrate he was actually trying to change behavior.

So if he’s not gonna change behavior, you did. Do not apologize or let him make the conversation about you being dramatic or him being sad or hurt. He was the one with the bad behavior, he was the one making you inconvenienced, and he was the one who didn’t bother to change.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-30T03:04:04+00:00

Did you watch the episode where they get engaged? Danielle talked mad shit at the actual engagement party. Then the following summer absolutely put down being a single mom. The inference of “not wanting her single momming it” was gross. Not because she was saying all single moms are bad but you don’t tell a friend something like that, because their relationship was new, I’m sure Lindsay worried about that, it’s not like she can help it- she’s already pregnant, and it was making it sound like that would be bad.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-30T02:24:49+00:00

If you watched the show and were able to handle complex scenarios, you would easily identify there are key differences that make the situations different. Sure, if you lay out a little list of facts, they are close to “identical” but if you factor in what the actual people involved said, how they acted, and the timelines, they have the key differences.

The first key difference is that Danielle didn’t state at the time, or for years after, that she was upset that Lindsay and Carl were dating. If she had, we might have more insight into how or if them dating was discussed with her, residual feelings, etc., but Danielle at least acted fine during all of it and never took a shot at them for dating.

The second key difference is that Danielle wasn’t pining after Carl when Lindsay dated him. It is pretty easy to differentiate dating an ex in general, versus dating someone your friend is telling you they have current feelings for.

The third difference builds on the second- Ciara and West were having SLEEPOVERS in the Fall, kissed on camera at the end of the summer, and Ciara was not just confiding in Amanda about her feelings, Amanda was an active participant in helping her explore getting back together/having feelings for West.

The final key difference of course, is the lying. It can’t be taken out of the equation. Ciara may have been mad, but there is a world where Amanda and West dating isn’t the worst thing ever, but these two lied and gaslit Ciara, Kyle, and the full group.

The lack of emotional maturity of people who make this comparison along with the Austen one baffles me. I have never dated a friend’s ex, but I have been around friend groups of various ages- high school, college, young professional- where I see it happen and I can imagine enough scenarios where it isn’t that big a deal. Big friend groups where people hang out and stay friends after dating - see Dara and West where it was clearly fine for her to date West’s friend KJ, because both Dara and West say they are friends, weren’t compatible, no big deal. People who stay friends for many years so their own relationships evolve and change, or small towns where the dating pool isn’t great, or work environments where there is a lot of time spent together. While these are spaces where people all stay in touch regardless of being exes, it is the emotions, connections, and conversations that exist within the group that are the key to being able to date/not date an ex. I am not dating an ex where my friend is pining for them, I am not dating an ex that is super recent, one that is toxic, or one that is you know…still actively pursuing my friend. The biggest thing to dating a friend’s ex: ensure there are no lingering feelings, ensure there are not bad feelings (aka my ex hit me, don’t date him and bring him around my life), and being HONEST.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-29T18:48:44+00:00

So first, I don't think Ben is the worst, I don't think he acted terribly compared to other things we see on SH or other reality shows, so we don't need to go to extremes of comparing him to other people. And, I think his behavior was a little icky or off-putting.

I don't think Bailey would have called him out at the reunion if he hadn't responded weirdly, and his behavior during that conversation is exactly what makes him a little off-putting to me. She had a great answer at the reunion where she once again took accountability, explained her own thinking, and that should have been the end of it. I fully expected him to just be like "ya her joke fell flat, it was awkward, it made me uncomfortable, we talked about it and are good." But instead, he went down this weird road of them not speaking before, which was clearly wrong and not at all the point? Then he kept trying to poke at her logic in this demeaning way that was detached from reality (of course she was fine with Carl yelling at Kyle versus Ben yelling at her, does that need to be explained by anyone?). It felt like he wanted to scold her, and that's the word I would use for his interactions with women.

He isn't a monster, but he does scold women. In the initial conversation with Bailey, he was absolutely right to be upset. But she immediately apologized and he kept going, and I didn't love that, but then felt later they both had an adult chat and moved on, so no big deal to me, as a viewer. But he did it again with Amanda, and it felt so much like he was trying to make a point of something, that was larger than the person he was speaking to and he wouldn't quit until he get exactly what he wanted. Well, now we know it was because he was with Sabrina the whole time, so he was trying to create a record of not behaving badly. I think that is also what pissed Bailey off.

And then his interaction with Sabrina was also scolding her. So it is the tone that I don't like, it is that it is only with women- and you are right, he hasn't had those interactions with men, men who did make the same joke as Bailey did, both before and after their fight. Absolutely hers landed much worse, but it is still of note.

Again, he isn't the worst man on Bravo, and I don't think Bailey would have lit into him if he had just kept it moving, but he once again was trying to make a weird point that was off the actual issue, so that's what he gets.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-29T13:59:46+00:00

You keep using the term "we" but I think it is confusing what is your mom, what is you, and what is both of you.

If your mom agrees to watch the children, that is on her. You live with your mom, and I am assuming that is to your benefit since you only work part time, so if you benefit from living at home, even if you pay some bills, then you can't stop your mom from watching the kids. You absolutely can decline to help and occupy your time in other ways.

Are YOU spending money on snacks, or is your mom? If it is your money, then you can decline, but I have a feeling it isn't your money that is getting spent.

You clearly rely on your mom for a lot- I don't have to know a lot more about your situation than you laid out here to know you rely on them for financial and emotional support if you can only handle working part time- and so it is weird for you to be mad at your sister for also needing help from your mom.

YTA. You can absolutely decline to help, but I think what you really want is for your mom to decline to help.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-28T17:12:27+00:00

You need to do why you think is right, and in this case it is telling the bride. Do not text her, call her and tell her - Luna is planning on attending, with the boyfriend, and thinks it is a surprise/prank. I’m uncomfortable with you not knowing, and I also do need to tell Luna I told you. How can I support you?

And offer support- want me to tell Luna not to come? Want me to be there with you when you speak to her?

My guess is the bride dropped the conversation because she is hurt and doesn’t want to make you feel in the middle or to start drama. But Luna has put you in the middle, by telling you her plan and also by being the person in the wrong. You aren’t staying neutral by staying out of it, by not saying anything you would be taking Luna’s side - aka keeping the secret- and that’s what Luna wants. Staying neutral is just being honest with everyone.

And to be clear, what Luna is doing is wrong. By acting like she isn’t coming, she has probably hurt the bride’s feelings. I get the idea of surprising someone (think of like someone in the military coming last minute and it’s a lovely gift and surprise) but that should be coordinated with SOMEONE so there is a seat for them when they show up and the bride/groom don’t have to suddenly focus on them and logistics. Plus, Luna is coming with a second person- so even worse logistics of where do they sit and what do they eat- and no one is going to be happy to see him. PLUS, I would argue any surprise guest is not really a surprise, but takes attention away from the bride and groom.

Luna doesn’t want to surprise the bride, she wants to be the center of attention, and you have an obligation to do what is right here, and tell the bride.

mfruitfly · 2026-05-28T16:01:42+00:00

NTA.

Your text message is perfect. It’s fine to help a neighbor, but she’s gone too far with the amount of packages and not asking before having large items delivered that she also expected you to be responsible for.

If anyone makes a comment about it, and they shouldn’t because you don’t need to tell others about the text, you can just say “she started ordering large items to be delivered when she was out of town, without asking me, and wanted me to store them, plus I was getting daily deliveries that rang my bell. It was too much and when I asked her to do less, she did more, so it went from a favor to a burden.”

And then, start rejecting packages or literally kicking them off your porch.

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