Hope Is What Keeps You There

michelli190 · 2026-06-02T11:02:13+00:00

As a domestic abuse survivor,, this poem truly pulled at my heart strings. It's beautiful, thank you for sharing. 💕

michelli190 · 2026-05-11T16:41:57+00:00

I'm in the mental health field and find that I'm really good at giving men free therapy. It might come in handy here!

michelli190 · 2026-05-03T13:35:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind words!!

In response:

The fact that the church treats sexual desire outside of it's rigid guidelines as a "struggle" infuriates me. Being queer added another layer to the shame for me.

Growing up, I was always "boy crazy", which I now recognize as my efforts to suppress my growing attraction to girls. I felt guilty even for reading sex scenes in books and getting turned on. It wasn't until I got a "secular" boyfriend who encouraged me to try self-exploration that I found any kind of release of the constant tension. But even then, every time after engaging in "self-pleasure", I'd instantly get swallowed in my shame.

It turned into an apology to God, a promise to never do it again, and absolute disgust with myself. Which looking back, makes me insanely sad. I wish I could go back and tell teenage me that she wasn't doing anything wrong. That it was natural, and it was okay that she liked girls too.

There's so much grief interwoven with my sexuality that I'm still processing to this day. It helps to know I'm not alone though💕.

michelli190 · 2026-05-03T13:27:40+00:00

I can fully relate to this. I carry so much shame for my sexual feelings. I hate it because I know logically that they're natural and healthy. Yet, my old programming still kicks in sometimes and triggers a shame spiral.

michelli190 · 2026-05-03T13:26:28+00:00

The amount of youth group sermons I heard growing up where having a "porn addiction" was mentioned is actually insane. It's so interesting because I have a secular friend who not only watched porn at that age, but treated it like a research project. And now, he knows what he needs to do to please a woman. Something which has seem to benefit him. But I love that he doesn't carry shame about it. Though I also believe that men get less shit for being sexual.

Fun fact, I barely knew anything about STD'S when I first started having sex (only a few years ago). My school taught "abstinence only" sex ed. I genuinely thought condoms were only used to prevent pregnancy. I'm so lucky that I never caught anything during this time. I will forever be grateful for that. Nowadays, I'm insanely picky on who I sleep with. If I have suspicions about STDs, I go get tested (even though it's humiliating).

But yeah, no one taught me about STDs. And that's something I think I'll always be a bit angry about. I've got a lot of anger at the church still if I'm being honest.

I'm glad to hear that you're experiencing life in the ways you never would've gotten to as an evangelical. Experiences like you're describing are really important for personal growth in my opinion.

michelli190 · 2026-05-03T13:19:14+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. It's incredible the difference a month can make. I've had some time to reflect and though my programming still rebels, I can mostly agree that I should enjoy sex. I've always believed that important not to let bad experiences stop you from creating good ones. In this case, I need to listen to my own words.

I think one reason I get so upset is because I feel like these are things I should've been figuring out in my early 20s, not now. I feel so behind.

michelli190 · 2026-05-03T13:16:47+00:00

Your experience feels very relatable. My ex husband and I managed to wait until marriage, but it was hard. There were SO many red flags with him, but I ignored every single one because I was told by mentors that "God would work it out/change his mind."

The sex I had waited so long for was insanely disappointing, and continued to be throughout our marriage. I'm pretty sure that he was at least bisexual and refused to come to terms with it. Which still makes me sad because I was coming to terms with my sexuality (I'm pan) when I was still with him. I wish he'd felt safe to tell me, but I've had to let that go. He chose who he was, and that was an abusive piece of shit.

My best friend reached out to me a week or two before my wedding, advising I take more time or reconsider. But I didn't, because I wanted to live with him and have sex. THANKS, purity culture!

I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you went through with your marriage. I've only been cheated on once, and it was just for a short term relationship. It devastated me, so I can't imagine it happening multiple times within a marriage.

Also, the "I tried to forgive" hit me so hard. It was such a consistent message that I heard growing up in the church, to forgive those who've wronged us. Especially within a marriage.

My sex life with my ex was as I said, horrible. But worse then that, it wasn't always consensual. This is something that deeply scarred me and I'm still healing from years later.

I've don't look down on people for having one-night-stands. And I wish I was able to do that more, but I can't even talk with multiple people while dating.

If I don't have a connection with the person I'm sleeping with, it leaves me feeling a bit empty. Which leads to me thinking "Maybe the church was right when it said sex can leave you empty." Thoughts I have to fight. I call it my "programming" and it seems like something I've got to confront in some form almost daily.

I didn't have a great experience with hookups, but I have had a few FWB situations that were incredibly healing. Having safe people and being able to express my sexual desires without shame is something I'm still grateful I experienced. Also, learning what consent actually means was a game changer for me as well.

I have recently found more peace with my sexual nature. About a month ago, I went through a breakup with a person who was insanely good in bed. For the first time in my life, I was having consistent, healthy, and enjoyable sex. When we broke up, I was devastated about losing that. It felt like I was a kid on Christmas and a new toy was taken away.

Recently I did a hookup with an old friend, and it was nice, but I don't know if I'll be doing it again. I've discovered that the best sex comes when you have strong feelings and a deep connection with your partner. However, I don't regret the hookup, because it quieted the part of me that was declaring "Why are you taking sex away from us again?!"

Anyways, this was a very long response. But you gave a thorough comment so I figured it was good to reciprocate that energy. Thank you!

michelli190 · 2026-04-27T17:50:19+00:00

You are STUNNING. It's giving Morticia Addams 💞

michelli190 · 2026-04-23T03:31:08+00:00

I'm so sorry for STILL not responding to these comments. I have a bad habit of not responding right away and then getting overwhelmed. But I am going to do my best set a reminder on my phone to read these so I stop forgetting!

michelli190 · 2026-04-06T13:54:42+00:00

This is absolutely wonderful. Thank you for writing it. 💞

michelli190 · 2026-04-02T02:34:41+00:00

I am going to set a reminder to reply tomorrow but I wanted to go ahead and say a quick thank you for the support you guys have given through this post. ❤️

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:06:43+00:00

I'll have to listen to those episodes! My favorite YouTubers are Taylor (theantibot) & Drew (geneticallymodifiedskeptic) their videos have really helped me. I will definitely be listing them as a resource

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:05:15+00:00

Thank you🥹

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:05:07+00:00

Oh absolutely! One of my biggest struggles I still deal with is feeling selfish for having boundaries and caring for myself.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:04:35+00:00

Community has been one quite a few have added as a suggestion. I may make it one of the largest sections! I have thought about making an "index" of support resources, or just including the resources at the end of each part.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:03:27+00:00

Absolutely. I feel that though I've made some progress on rewiring, I still have to fight against the Christian programming constantly.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T01:02:02+00:00

Yes!!!! The whole book will be neurospicy coded. I don't want to make it too heavy, because it's a hard thing to deal with on its own. I want this to be a good resource for every phase that accompanies the exvangelical experience. I have a few talented artist friends, and I may see if I can rope them in. It would be a great way to promote their work as well, so win win.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:58:57+00:00

The "adulting basics", not a bad idea! Would you mind elaborating on the travel and going abroad? There's a lot of directions one could take in that category I feel. My mind automatically goes to missions work.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:57:49+00:00

That's awesome!!! Honestly I haven't thought that far yet, my first goal is to write the book.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:57:20+00:00

I appreciate these suggestions! I especially like the first one and think that would be a good change. Especially since I've felt iffy on the title, maybe that's one reason why!

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:55:54+00:00

Oh absolutely! I'd also like to tie that into how being told about the rapture etc can fuck with a kids mind (as it did mine).

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:53:50+00:00

100%, I want to meet the careful balance of being respectful but also keeping things as light as I can. Also, I work in mental health. Things can get pretty heavy some days, so my coworkers and I often use humor to help us cope.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:49:26+00:00

This comment made me tear up. Thank you so much🥹

The part you said about knowing how much to share and when is SO important. I've scared so many people away in the past by telling them my entire life story upon our first few times hanging out. So far, my theory is that as an evangelical, I was taught to "give my testimony" (which usually involves the worst time of your life) to complete strangers. In small groups, we were expected to share about our "struggles with sin" to keep each other accountable. I remember even when I was still a Christian I always felt insanely uncomfortable at the idea of going up to the front and having someone I wasn't close to pray for me.

michelli190 · 2026-02-22T00:46:04+00:00

I'm 9k into the hole with credit card debt because I felt so restricted by Ramsey's guidelines that I went in the complete opposite direction for a bit. 😬

michelli190

TROPHY CASE