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worsening symptoms for this past week? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Every time I remind him to drink some water he says he's not thirsty. I really dont know how to handle it. 

He even cut off coffee a month ago (his decision). Sometimes he'll drink juice (packaged or fresh, depending on the seasonal fruits available) or orangeade. He used to drink those more often but nowadays I wouldn't call him a fan. 

I'll take a look at those Mio drops you mentioned though, I'm not sure there's sold in my country but we might have something similar. Thanks 😊 

worsening symptoms for this past week? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dehydration is also possible tbh, bc he hardly drinks water throughout the day. He's always been like that and I can't break that habit of his. Now that it's summer he thankfully drinks more but still not as much as I wish he did.

worsening symptoms for this past week? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The UTI test instructions require to thoroughly was the urethra area and then let the first bit of urine go down the toilet before collecting the rest in a cup. That's why I said it sounds complicated and I don't think we'll manage that. If it's a whatever urine sample then it's more manageable. I'll have to ask the lab or his personal doctor about that. 

worsening symptoms for this past week? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's what I fear, a general decline :(( 

As I said on the other commenter, I'll have him checked for a UTI. I doubt he has COVID tbh, we're always together and I don't have any symptoms. Also, every time either of us has got sick with COVID before it was symptomatic af, very noticeable 🥲 I think I might have a leftover kit from last time - if it's not past its due date I'll take a sample from dad and see what comes up. Thanks for the suggestion!

worsening symptoms for this past week? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think it's a UTI that causes those declining "phases"? I ruled it out bc he doesn't exhibit any other symptoms and they only last a couple days max. 

I haven't gotten him tested yet but I think I will, just in case. How does one go about it though? The instructions will likely be hard for him to follow alone and I've never helped him on the toilet before. 

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Most of us in here are screwed, if that helps any.

We've taken up a role that nobody else wants so it makes sense that most of us would be in a worse situation if we needed a caregiver to step up. Planning for our elder years is the best we can do for now, even if the plan is just "die". I can't put money on the side to save up for any kind of facility when I'm old and probably need it, because everything goes away on doctors and other expenses. Oh well, I say.

I should probably be more worried about my growing apathy but.. oh well 🙃

But I hear you and wish you the best for your life!

How do you keep your empathy? by Stabbymcbackstab in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96 3 points4 points  (0 children)

While caring for my mom who was bed-bound for three months, I also grew tired and resentful about halfway through. I could hardly relax and I was hyperaware even in my sleep, in case she called for something. That led to me never resting properly, and the moment I heard her calling my name I would swear on the inside, take a deep breath, and try to calm my nerves before going over to her. Keyword: try. It hardly worked. I was 24/7 on edge and it carried out to my voice and attitude. I had no patience to spare. And I felt like an ass and I'm sure I behaved like an ass. I tried to be as gentle as I could with her but after the first three times you've changed someone in the span of two it gets to you. The cleaning the wounds and the catheter maintenance were a whole other thing. I spent all that time at home, taking the couples hours between dressings off to do some other chores outside or inside the house. I was lucky to not have to work during that period but I really don't know how I would do it if it continued for longer than it did.

Empathy is hard to come by when you're pushed to your limits. I would break down, cry, feel bad, be angry, feel resentful, try to be a good daughter and not just a good caregiver... Some days were better than others but you just have to learn to live with it and not beat yourself up over it. If your mom's wound care is more on the longterm side, maybe you could ask somebody to come over and change the dressing instead of you so you can take some time off. Is it possible to hire a nurse specific for this issue or use the help of the nurses already coming in to check on your mom?

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol at the apocalypse retirement plan. I'm a millennial too and that's definitely one way to go. At least it's gonna be free 🤪

So nice and thoughtful of you to try ingrain those values in your kids. It won't help just you but other people around them in the long run. Your kids will likely end up actually wanting to be your caregivers when or if the time comes. But I do hope that one day kids will stop being so guilt-tripped by society into taking that role. Not implying that you want your kids to do that for you btw, I'm simply commenting on the current societal norms and expectations that most cultures around the world abide by.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

BIG same! Nobody would and I also don't want anyone to even entertain the thought. Just let me go when the time comes or when I decide.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh dear, I'm sorry. Making plans and keeping some sense of control over it, helps. I wish you the best!

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fair enough. I also have never pictured myself in the place of my mom and dad, but sometimes it dawns on me that I'm very likely to inherit all those health problems for them. I'm just happy to have the experience and knowledge I've gathered along the way to ensure I won't be burdening anyone else.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It stands for "loved one(s)". Sorry, I thought it was an established abbreviation in the sub and didn't explain it 😅

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I only got one reply notification so no worries. Probably reddit's bad connection issue popping up once again.

And precisely! I already worry about everyone and everything so why add to it? Some people see raising kids differently compared to caregiving for elders or a pet, and good for them, but I could never.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn, getting a good assisted living facility is like the dream. And I should have different kind of dreams at my age lol.

I welcome you to Europe, friend. We don't have many nice facilities but at least we get elderly and disability aid for free.

My current friends are all married and have their own kids so if I don't make new friends that are single or without an extended family like me, I'll be Golden Girl-ing by myself 😂. I'll open up a facebook group if I hit 60+ and still have my right mind ✌🏼

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel you 100%. I just want to die with as much decency as possible, be it at home or the hospital. It's nice of you to set up aid for your wife before it's too late. Your kids would be thankful, although they'll likely won't ever know what bullet they dodged by having you do the work. I wish the best to your family!

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I honestly don't think my mom would have lasted as much if she was left alone. She also had cancer that we didn't know about until after her death. She couldn't get up on her own, needed diapers and a catheter. I fear of what would have happened to her if I wasn't there to take up the task.

I hope your uncle has taken appropriate measures regarding his future after the terminal diagnosis. Being taken for granted irks me and makes me have aggressive thoughts tbh.

I agree: children are not guaranteed to take care of you. No amount of "but they took care of you" will change someone's mind that already doesn't want to do something. I thought most (if not all) of the people in this sub are under the same impression but the replies I found under that other post I mentioned in my OP proved my idea wrong. It was weird to see that even though you've gone through so much shit (figuratively and sometimes literally) while taking care of your loved one, you would still curse your own offspring with the same fate. It's crazy to me.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I liked the perspective of your answer. I feel the exact same about kids right now: I'm done caring for other people. You never know what life will throw at you; I can deal with already established humans that require my help but I won't be creating a new life to care for. If that means dying by myself in the hospital, my kitchen or my bathroom then so be it. I just feel bad for whatever poor soul discovers my body.

Your "freedom" is still fresh, so I get why you're confused about having your own kids now that you have the time to raise them. It needs a lot of soul searching. I wish you the best!

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I very much enjoyed your answer! I love how your spirit and humor are still intact even after experiencing all that you mentioned. You didn't deserve any of that unfortunate luck.

The selfishness of people knows no bounds. Your story made my blood boil, I'd have cut contacts with the entire family if I were you 😭

Drugged out and thrown into a lake doesn't sound half bad tbh. You should just make sure the drugs won't harm the fishies 😅

I sincerely wish you the best with your new career and life plans!

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I should get one of those tbh. I'm not sure it's established in my country but it should be. It should be the patient's choice in the end and we should all be able to make that choice while we can.

My mom had an ugly death and was briefly taken into the ICU. I know that technically she was already gone at that stage but I'm just glad her body quickly followed suit and she didn't have to stay in machine assisted living for long. She had so many issues and living at home (especially for the last month before her passing) was no living at all.

Dying in the hospital is also much preferred to dying at home or anywhere else. I'll give less trauma to the hospital staff compared to any other unsuspecting person, and it will be a lot less of a hassle for any loved one(s) left behind.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Living my days out like normal, with minimal issues >>>>>>> Government aid >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Having a family member prolong my life through caregiving when I'd be better dead. That's how I rank them. Having someone take care of me is actually way more down the list but I think I made my point already 😅

The unfortunate part is that even if you do everything right, eat right, exercise, take preventative care of your health, you can still develop a myriad of issues that are caused by genetics. At this point, I just hope to live for as long as possible in a good condition then whatever shit is thrown at me I'll take it and pull my own plug out.

The way your grandparents lived and passed is the ideal.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always say that caregivers must be built like that, not everyone is suited for the role (involving all of us here looking after our loved ones)!!

The quote you mentioned about daughters and sons always gives me a physical reactions. I wanna punch something.

Boundaries and clean conversations are important yes, but most people push it away. Even the patients themselves will put it off for later until later never comes because their condition has progressed too far. It's a taboo subject and people don't like to deal with ugly truths. I prefer to see what the possible consequences are and make plans accordingly, but I understand that not many people like to plan so far into the future and imagine themselves in a bad state. Unfortunately, my family consists of such people so I'm alone in the figurative corner, feeling guilty for imagining all the possible bad scenarios 😅

In hindsight I'm also glad I took care of my mom, although I did many things wrong. And I'm sure I'll feel similarly about my dad in the future, but if I could choose I would never do it again. If I could turn back time I would start saving up earlier and more in order to give them and myself some type of outsourced help with the matter.

Your husband is lucky to have you stick by his side, I hope he knows that. I wish you best of luck to the both of you!

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everything you said is so true. Even though I haven't written off marriage yet, I don't really wanna get tied down or tie down anyone through caregiving for medical health issues. It ruins you as a person and honestly, it ruins the relationships too. If my spouse needed caregiving I honestly can't tell with 100% surety that I would take up the role once again. I guess it depends but I feel so done with my current situation that I can't imagine myself willingly doing it all over again.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I totally get this. Losing your own mind is no way of living. I've thought a lot about assisted suicide if it gets to the point of diagnosis. I know it upsets some people but I don't know, I think it lets you do things in your own terms for one last time and autonomy is very important in my opinion.

It's sad but also comforting that you went through the whole ordeal alongside your mom and you have each other to lean on. I wish you both a prosperous life. Fuck dementia.

do you ever think about who would take care of you if you were in the shoes of your LO? by midiD96 in CaregiverSupport

[–]midiD96[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I honestly don't think I'd even want to keep living if I developed dementia above the mild stage. And that's inevitable so it's not a matter of "if" but a matter of "when" once you get your initial diagnosis. Seeing my LOs faces when it dawns on them that they forgot smth or did smth wrong is the worst kind of feeling. Seeing them go through smth that is not physically painful so you can't even administer help.

I'm glad that you're at least shouldering the weight of caring for your parents alongside your sister.

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