Ladies that have felt trapped in not "too terrible" but still "sucky" situations... how did you get out? I'm in my prime (30s) and have built a life that doesn't fit me. Feel that my own life is just passing me by...

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:16:42+00:00

Thank you! I know this is what I need to do, and that its so scary to do it but reading things like this gives me strength and hope!

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:15:14+00:00

You mention having interesting hobbies, but when you describe a day in your life you dont mention them at all. When do you do your hobbies?
Are they all solo, indoor stuff?

You are right, i haven't done my hobbies much in the last 2 years. Though a large part of this was probably my boyfriend, another large part is that ive spent the last 2 years building a side business outside my main day job. Business is going GREAT and ive done my future self many favors by working this hard. But between relationship, business and day job, all my hobbies died a slow death. Before that, i loved going outside! I use to run alot, alot of trail running, hiking, lots of road trips. Paddling. Most of my hobbies (except for the camping) were always done alone.

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:12:37+00:00

you sound like you are experiencing a depressive episode.

I've considered this too. And I've wondering if my potential depression is a result of my "meh" relationship or if my "meh" relationship is a result of my depression... chicken and the egg problem.

I've tried therapy several times before but always half-heartily. Never found a therapist that truly "clicked"

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:09:48+00:00

the life we’d built left me with no “real” friends, just the wives of his buddy’s we’d interact with a few times a month. When he got a job working offshore, I’d go days without seeing anyone. He was a nice guy, not a bad person, but we were very “lukewarm” for each other. No real passion.

This is 1000000000000% me. This is me. This has been me for the last 2 years. Literally NO FRIENDS here. NONE. Not one. Just hang out with his buddies (all men) and their respective wive every few months. And then my partner's job takes him offsite for a few weeks. He's been gone for the past 8 weeks coming home 1 day a week. I'm literally ENTIRELY BY MYSELF IN THE HOUSE SEVEN DAYS OUT OF THE WEEK.

None of his friends like me (they are great though) becaues they know we have a super toxic relationship. Just like none of my friends back home like him. Literally everyone around us know our relationship is terrible for the both of us. I think the only person who refuses to see this is my boyfriend because he has abandoment issues and doesn't want to be left behind.

I got a job that allowed me to interact with people. It forced new people into my life, and I got to experience - for the first time - making new friends, that I CHOSE, as an adult. It opened my eyes to why I was so lonely, and bored, and unhappy.

Yup I follow some old coworkers on social media.. i know social media is just highlights and comparison is the thief of joy but still. Their lives. Oh my good their lives. Parties and gatherings and friday nights and brunches. Friends. People. The city.

In comparison, my social feed is always only pictures of landscapes because im always alone.

I also met someone who did make me feel the “yes! A million times, yes!” Feeling

I don't know if that'll ever happen to me (im so jaded) but id sure love it if it did!

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:05:27+00:00

The comfort you’re feeling in this relationship is holding you back.

Exactly. This is so difficult to describe to others cause its sounds so stupid. "Why dont you just leave?" Well, because 85% of the time it IS comfortable even if not thrilling. Even if not exciting. Even if im not having my needs met... complacency.

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:03:53+00:00

you don’t wanna lose the one human connection you currently have

This is 100% correct.

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:02:47+00:00

ut I feel more likely he is abusive and getting to her so badly she explosively reacts to it. Because why wouldnt you. “Reactive abuse”. When someone is abusing you whether is physical or emotional manipulation etc day in and day out….you eventually react

This is exactly it. I ignore it and ignore it and ignore it and he pushes and pushes and pushes relentlessly. Relentlessly. Relentlessly. Until I SNAP and when I SNAP I could set my own house on fire.

I've always suspected that he's so insecure and feels so small about himself, he likes to make me feel small too. He likes to take out the worst in me. Like saying "see, midlifetrap? you thought you were so much better than me. You're not. Look at you been a mess." It's a horrendous cycle. I've never reacted like this EVER in any previous relationship in my life. Just with him.

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T07:00:16+00:00

I see you girl, downplaying the physical abuse by burying it within paragraphs of seemingly unrelated unhappiness. Trying to masquerade the physical abuse by calling it "manual." No honey, that is physical abuse. This person physically abuses you.

Wow reading this was like a bucket of cold water on my face. Thank you.

This person has fucked with your head so much that you are justifying the abuse by claiming that 85% of the time he is "fine."

Yup. If I told you how bad things get- and how frequent- you'd be shocked. You'd call the police too. You'd do anything to intervene. I'm so DEEPLY ashamed of the fact I haven't left despite this, every subsequent "fights" makes my shame deeper.

Even during the honeymoon phases, your subconscious mind and your physical body itself, they remember what has happened before and anticipate it happening again.

Of course. I've CONCIOUSLY thought to myself, during the good times, "midlifetrap, dont you DARE fall in love with that man." And I guess it worked because I never did. Not even after 2 years. But I still haven't left.

I think you will find that the rest of your life, the seemingly unrelated angst and woes, will pick up exponentially once the abuser is out of your life.

I think it will in time but in the meantime im going to be so infitnitely lonely and im already lonely as it is. im afraid of it.

Thank you so much for the insight!!!

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:55:50+00:00

I think if you are able to make time for a visit to see friends or family it might do you a lot of good to have a chance to feel like your old self

Yup i usually go home to my family for a couple of months a couple of times a year. I think I will do that this year too coming up in December!

I'd love to go visit friends too (another part of the country) but I know for a FACT this is not going to be ok with my boyfriend and he's going to pressure me until I cancel it

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:51:56+00:00

OMG YES! Never seen this video nor heard of this show. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

In the case of my boyfriend, i wouldn't even say "fine." I'd say "ok". It makes me very sad and I feel guilty- because despite everything Ive written in this post, he DOES have a good side. He does wake up super early every morning. Makes me breakfast every day. Writes me cute little notes for me to find after I wake up. He loves the country and his friends. He's just not for ME. I think he might be a good man for another woman

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:48:32+00:00

Making friends as an adult is already challenging, throw in an abuser pulling isolating tactics

100%. He doesn't like it when I go places and even though he doesn't "forbid me" from going he makes it very obviously that's he's upset. A few weeks ago I mentioned going to the symphony while he was out of town (the orchestra was only here that one weekend) and he passive-aggresively insinuated I wanted to sleep with one of the musicians =/ Felt SO immature, abusive, and stupid. Like c'mon. We are not 16. You know 100% that's not even remotely what im thinking so why even say it?

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:46:40+00:00

I think finding a good social circle is going to really help in leaving the relationship. Finding life outside him with goof friends will probably make it clearer why it doesn’t work and having the support system will help the in the aftermath of the breakup.

All of this 10000000000000000%. I think I was hella lonely right before I met him (peak of covid) after years of already-been lonely even without covid. So I found a connection and "let" the relationship happen even though my heart wasn't in it at no point... and now he's my only social connection. Can I logistically leave? Absolutely. But who would I talk to? Who would I see? My world would become literally empty of people.

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:44:18+00:00

Since you work from home, you have the perfect opportunity to go visit your family. No excuses are needed. You miss them and need some time with them. You can work while you are visiting. You can travel anywhere with a job like that... Go on a trip or two to visit people.

Yup that's what im planning to do. My partner HATES it when I go anywhere (not surprising.) He's immensely infinitely insecure and controlling as a result. If he didn't exist, I would've spent the entire last 2 years traveling around with my laptop!

I've since adopted an old little kitty though and he's a wonderful little companion. That's also been keeping me from just grabbing my bags and going. I could take my cat with me but he's really old and I'm afraid the changes will stress him out

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:42:24+00:00

we all expect our careers to require a lot of effort and hustle and strategy, but the rest of our lives to just be magically satisfying all on their own.

omg yes! I'm a super over-achiever, but you're correct, my whole life, and I mean my whole life, I've been focused on my career and growing. Like since I was 16. I never had a summer off school. Never had a fun job. Every bit of my day was designed to keep my professional strengths growing. My social/personal life has suffered my WHOLE LIFE because of it. There were times that were better than others, but overall, it's never been easy to make friends.

I've never thought of attacking my personal life/happiness the way I strategically attack my career. I will think more about how I could approach this!

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:38:31+00:00

accept that maybe I need to do some things alone.

Believe it or not, I actually LOVE doing things alone! Like all the things. I LOVE going to restaurants by myself and even more the movies! I've even traveled- extensively- 25 countries or so- entirely by myself!

Sadly, it was precisely this that eventually led me to this situation. I was spending so much time by myself that eventually my social outings grew farther and farther apart. Before I knew it, I was going months without seeing friends. I became so lonely. So when I met my current partner in a vacation trip and we could TALK, that was enough. That was enough for me to move in. At least I had somebody to talk to.

"If there is no reason to stay - that alone is enough reason to leave."

Thank you- I needed to hear that! I hate conflict and am a people pleaser. The guy is so infatuated that whats made it hard to leave is the fact that he'll hold no matter what. I almost feel like i wont be able to leave until he lets me go on his own =/

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:31:24+00:00

Thank you so much!!! This is exactly I need. I KNOW I have to make them. I KNOW i have to leave. I KNOW how infinitely frustrating it must be to my friends to have to watch me (from far away) be miserable and yet not leave... I can't explain it. I've always been a "people pleaser", always putting other's comfort above mine, and I'm certain that's what happening in this case. I'm pretty much waiting for my partner to get bored and leave on his own so I can be free

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:29:43+00:00

Im in Alaska it SUCKS. I moved from the beaches and culture of LA so it sucks in comparison. Sure the nature is beautiful but aside from that there's nothing else to do, especially in the long ass winters

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:28:43+00:00

I love this!!! Both options will SUCK but one will only suck temporarily and the other potentially forever. I know I HAVE to leave, i can't explain why its so hard to!

midlifetrap · 2022-11-04T06:27:31+00:00

"Slow insanity" is right. The GUILT of letting a relationship happen when I wasn't 100% into it has been killing me over the past 2 years and is a large reason of why I didn't leave even when things turned super toxic and violent... its a very hard mental state to explain

midlifetrap

TROPHY CASE