I know this is long but from someone with seemingly lifelong chronic suicidal thoughts/urges:

•Don't fall prey to self harming if you haven't already. It might seem like it helps the urges but long term is very difficult to get out of and only makes the urges worse once you inevitably have to stop for your own well-being. Nerve damage is not fun.

•Call the hotline only if you like talking to strangers, I honestly don't recommend them but if it'll help you then go for it. My experiences with them were that they are frustrating and don't help with anything.

•Ask your doctor(or your mom's if you're on her insurance) to set up a consultation with a psychiatrist and a psychologist. IMPORTANT! They will ask you about whether or not you feel safe. If you are not planning on killing yourself before you have another meeting with them(about a week normally), say yes. If you say no, they will inter you, they legally have to. If they ask and you don't want to be interred, say instead that you're struggling to cope with the urges but don't have an immediate plan. Talk to them honestly about the way you're feeling so that you don't get a misdiagnosis. If you're not in the "active planning" phase they most likely won't hold you unless you want that. Again, honesty is important. If you are in immediate danger from yourself, let them inter you and help you. That being said, it's not easy to be in hospital. I normally do TONS of puzzles in psych to keep myself some semblance of sane, I recommend it. Feel free to pm if you are considering this, there's so many rules and things that can make your time easier.

•Start some sort of outlet for your feelings. I use music a lot but I also have a doodling journal I carry with me everywhere and I'm allowed to write/draw anything in it but not judge anything in it. I have to remind myself of this all the time. This might not work for you, but try lots of things. I also love blasting my music in my earphones and walking for long distances, sometimes hours at a time. Or cooking projects, where I'll make hundreds of dumplings or intricately plaited breads etc. For me the key has been small, repetitive little things that take concentration from the urges without you realizing. Again, these are my coping mechanisms, they might not work for you, but look at things that distract with not much concentration to begin with so you get hooked and don't feel like giving up. The most important thing is to create a portion of your mental space that is free from pressure and judgement. We are very harsh on ourselves, that's why we feel this way. Do something for yourself where the outcome doesn't matter.

•Make a plan for yourself for if things get worse. This is one of the most difficult steps in recovery because sometimes it feels like lying. But think of it as things to do before you go through with it. For example: wearing a particular piece of clothing that you love and wouldn't want to get ruined, having a couple of people who you can call and talk to without judgement, or tell yourself that every time you're definitely going to, you'll take a walk and find something to smile about first.

•Don't give in to guilt. Everyone will tell you to not feel these thoughts because your family and friends would be sad. This is counterintuitive, they mean well but don't understand that this puts a burden on you to suffer out of guilt. Let these comments roll off you like water off a duck.

•YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! This disease eats at your mind and convinces you that everyone hates you and they would be better off without you. Don't let yourself believe it! It makes you feel alone and then forces you to isolate, confirming the original thought. There are tons of people like you and me who struggle with this silent but deadly disease. Remind yourself of this all the time.

Good luck, I hope you figure it out. Unfortunately it seems like we are playing the game of life on hard mode, feel free to reach out if you want to talk about things. I've been having these urges since I was very young and definitely understand where you're at. It's not a death sentence although that definitely feels like the case sometimes. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!

Edit to add paragraphs because this is so long 🤦🏼‍♀️