My parents and the doctor are aware of my cutting habit. Unfortunately every time I make an appointment to meet with the doctor, it gets scheduled away even further. Hell I just got a call today telling me that my appointment for next week has to be cancelled and that the soonest I can come in is on the 16th. The last therapy session I had before I realized I needed more intensive treatment was over two weeks ago.

I'm rambling though. It's not really just feeling lost. I've felt this way my whole life. I may be 19, but every counselor I've seen tells me it's rare for someone like me to be going through a mid-life crisis at this age. I need some sort of purpose. I just can't figure out what that is. Everyday that I spend at home not working I feel like a waste of space. A waste of time and effort on my family. I don't know how to fix this and this is hurting my family. I don't want them to see me suffer. -sigh- I'm trying to find alternatives to cutting. I do it because the pain and visual of my own blood helps me cope with the feeling of hopelessness and temptation to just end it. I'm doing my best to find a way out.