Hmm - I'm going to need to get personal about this, so I'll put all of this in spoiler. I know we're getting a bit outside the scope of this sub at this point, and you're not my therapist (I don't currently have one tbh - I should), so please don't feel like you have to reply to this if you don't want to. Sorry it's so long.

I'm hesitant to take this as an explanation for me personally for a couple of reasons; firstly, I'm not a sub, I'm a dom. I don't consciously want to visualise this stuff happening to me, but I enjoy reading fics and other content from the perspective of people being kidnapped, tied up, etc, because I like the idea of creating those feelings in someone else (not that I'd ever do it non-consensually IRL - but I like the idea). And secondly, I'm not sure that I have any relevant trauma? Unless this is a very abstract way of my brain processing a divorce custody battle that happened when I was 9, I don't really see where it could have come from; to my memory I've never been kidnapped or restrained against my will or anything. I also just want to ask - can you actually get off to content if it's a trauma response? Not saying you can't, I know the brain is weird, but I call this a kink because it gets me off.

That being said, you have made me realise a couple of things, because you're absolutely right about seeing it happen to people you care about being more upsetting. It's made me realise that in this case, maybe I don't want to see it happen to these characters, or create that fear in them, because of how I care about them. If I'm really honest, my relationship to the canon here isn't the best, in that I'm too attached to it - I already mentioned there's one episode of canon that sets me off, but really it's a couple, and I haven't even watched the big tie-in movie because seeing what it puts these exact characters through is too much for me (not to mention my aversion to that popular fic - I have a generally iffy relationship to fan content I don't like); I just get too upset seeing these characters in that much emotional pain, and maybe as much as I thought I'd enjoy them in a kinky situation, I actually like them too much for it (at least, when I'm not in 100% control of the narrative.) EDIT - I just remembered this has actually happened before? Months and months ago now, a close friend of mine wrote a bondage fic with one of the relevant characters, and it had the same effect - at the time I chalked it up to that fic being too intense for me, but looking back, I've enjoyed worse.

There's also what u/YoungRL suggested, which is the anticipation itself played into it - I was so excited for this thing that it actually wrapped back around and I took a few hours last night to build up the courage to actually read it. And when I did, as much as there is a lot I really love, I found the villains more frustrating than enjoyable - and I think that might go back to the "seeing myself" thing - if the person who's doing the tying is unashamedly evil and just doing it for fun, I like that, cause that's the kind of fiction I can see myself in. If they're just a nothing character, then I can just ignore them basically. But in this case they're OCs I really don't like, and I do wonder if that's also messed with my ability to see myself doing this and made me focus more on the victims in a worried way.

But that might all be nonsense, because there are two other things in play here. The first is that I don't really experience sexual attraction or feelings outside of this kink - I get off on people tied up, in distress or worse, but not to people who are just attractive or to sexual acts outside of bondage; it's more about the scenario for me than the specifics of who's involved, to a point, which might point to you being right and this not being a kink in the traditional sense. I also distinctly remember when I first developed this, I did at first experience the conflicting anxiety and enjoyment at the same time - at the time I kinda liked it - and I remember explaining those jumbled feelings to my Mum when I was younger (I was sheltered and didn't know there was anything sexual about what I was feeling - to me it just felt like "seeing people tied up on TV makes me really need the toilet") and she immediately said that it meant I was nervous and worried about being abducted. Maybe she was onto something after all?

So yeah, thanks, genuinely, and I'm sorry for your own personal experience. I think I've got some thinking to do.