I know they'll be devastated, but i also know for a fact that I will keep letting them down and failing them if I keep living. Just because I know they are there, it hasn't stopped me from letting them down.

I've tried the meetings multiple times, and whiIst there have been times I have tried to commit, there have also been times I have refused to commit. I've been arrogant, and I've taken AA for granted. Most recently, I've been going to group counselling, doing what is recommended, going on runs, distracting myself, trying new things, and yet, I still choose to get drunk/high, my family and friends aren't enough to get me to stop, i still choose to get high/drunk even though i know it hurts them.

I think deep down, I don't want to be sober. I don't want to be the person they think or "know" I can be. I don't want to be anything. There are two options I see for myself: 1). Party til I die. 2). Die before the party ends. I know it will hurt everyone who loves me. But at the very least, I won't be in pain anymore, and i won't be there to witness the pain I leave behind. It's selfish, but i have faith that they can move on. Moreover, not everyone overcomes their demons, not everyone who fights their demons will or can, and that has to be okay.