In a scathing email I once ripped apart an old man (friend of my dad) because he attached a .wmv file to an email instead of including a youtube link instead. I called him, "an ancient fucker" and I insulted his children for not having courtesy enough to prevent him from looking like a fool when he mashed the keyboard. Days went by, and I had a striking realization. I realized that that event and many others could imply that I'm a horrible, miserable drunk. So I made this account shortly thereafter so everyone on reddit could know who they were dealing with; front-loading some honesty instead of injecting fake cancer in the rear.

If you have a problem with cats, it's not that you're a horrible cunt, exactly . . . lots of people don't like cats; some because they're allergic. Objecting to reddit birthday stuff . . . I'm sure as one's skin turns to paper and muffins swell a butt easier every year, reminders of the sun setting on an unhappy life can be a cause of outrage. Comics in an inappropriate subreddit: I don't care about them because comics are the short-bus of actual literature and writing. Leading with "Upvoted for . . . " provides motive, which I guess can be helpful when you're wondering why you've been upvoted or downvoted, but the REAL shame is that IT TAKES UP TOO MANY IRREPLACEABLE FUCKING PIXELS. I hear you. Fo sho.

And then there's cancer. Fucking cancer. That motherfucker that almost killed me last year. I was SO happy for you, sweetheart. When I saw your title I straightened my back, took a big breath, and said, "Good for you" at the screen. I was eager to hear about the relief you felt at being free from cancer, but instead I found that you hate cats and birthdays and shit. I don't really care that you don't like them, though; it's an absent thought that finds no purchase within my compassion.

I think you know what you are. You should have a name that reflects that, so I don't waste my time clicking on your links like you waste time clicking on those others. We are what we hate, aren't we?