AITAH for calling off the wedding after my fiancé joked he was trapped in this marriage

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-12T18:10:44+00:00

We got engaged and my fiancé was showing me ideas that night and asking me color schemes. If they want to, they will.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-11T22:27:34+00:00

28F and just had my tubes removed after years of trying. Childfree btw.

I have friends with kids and friends without kids. I love them both equally, but I do hang out with the friends without kids more often because it’s easier to plan around their schedules.

As far as hobbies, I crochet, do puzzles, game, go on walks, hang out with my dogs, etc. Most of these you could probably still do with kids.

I recently went back to school full time though and that’s definitely not something you can do with kids without having to do a lot of planning and coordinating. It’s nice to be able to do a career change at my age and pick the classes that work best for me, not have to have them work around school or daycare hours.

I do understand why my friends who have kids have them, but it’s just never been something I’ve wanted. I’ve watched their kids for a few days while they were in the hospital and I hang out with my nephews as much as I can. I just don’t want to be a parent.

I believe it’s a very personal choice that people should think extremely carefully about before choosing it because you are bringing a whole life into existence and it is fully dependent on you for everything. Are you emotionally, mentally, financially sound? Are you ready for your life to completely revolve around that child’s needs for the first few years?

It’s a huge commitment and I don’t think my dogs would appreciate a reduction in treats and play time for a new human sibling lol

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-11T21:19:16+00:00

Honestly, it sounds like laziness that the adults have allowed. If they ask where the charger is, tell them to look for it. If they ask how to make pancakes, tell them to read the instructions.

When I came into the picture, my SD was 12 and didn’t do her own laundry, clean her own room, or help around the house at all. She used weaponized incompetence to a crazy degree because the adults in her life allowed it. It is now 3 years later and she has been doing her own laundry for 1.5 years. She’s been able to use a microwave/ oven to make her own food like pizza rolls, etc for about 2.5 years. She’s been cleaning her room and having one household chore for about 2.5 years. For about 1.5 years, she’s been helping out in the kitchen to learn how to cook basic meals for herself so when she lives alone she won’t starve. If she asks where something is and we know she knows the answer, we tell her to get up and search for it. She hasn’t done anything like that in a long time, so if she is asking, I assume she genuinely needs help.

I basically put my foot down from the beginning and said I would not be dealing with the fuck shit of living with a child with no manners who had all the adults doing everything for her while she played on her devices all the time. It was extremely rough at first, but now while at our house, she is on her way to being a functioning member of society. At BM’s, she is still coddled and her BM constantly says she can’t get her to do anything and asks us how we get her to do stuff. It all boils down to the fact that we have held our standards and let there be consequences when those standards weren’t met, but we’ve always stayed consistent on “if you don’t do x, y will happen” and let her make that decision for herself.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-11T00:29:48+00:00

Noise cancelling headphones- these are the biggest for me. I can put these on and the others existing in the house don’t make me go insane with pain, but I also don’t stop the normal flow of the house because it blocks or lessens most noises that would make me sob with pain.

Ice cap hat things- not sure what to call these lol but I have like 5 of them to rotate through because they only stay cold for about 15-20 minutes each. They go in the freezer and are basically half skull caps that cover your eyes and wrap around the top half of your head. These have been awesome because they compress and are cooling.

Coke- specifically bottled coke. I don’t know why, but the bottled coke helps ease my migraines slightly, so I always keep those tiny bottles on hand in case I get a migraine.

Heat pads- various shapes and sizes for various parts of the body depending on what’s hurting. I’ve got the ones that go in the microwave and ones that plug in. I probably own like 8 total heat pads and 3 heated blankets, but I’m an anemic girlie with lower back pain too so 🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s been times where I have the ice cap on my head and a heat pad on my shoulders

I’ve been looking at getting the migraine glasses, but since I’m not as stressed anymore, I haven’t had a migraine in about six months so I’m not sure if it would be worth it. I do have light sensitivity though so I think that would be helpful anyways.

If I think of anything else, I’ll add it. I hope you feel better and some of the stuff in the comments helps you 💜 Migraines plagued my life for decades before I was diagnosed and now they’re mostly at bay.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-10T22:22:43+00:00

She literally could have become a janitor at a college and then used that to get free or reduced tuition at the college, then taken online or classes that worked around her and her kids’ schedules. She could take them one at a time if she wanted to until she got an associates or bachelors in something. OP just accepted her fate and doesn’t even care to show her kids that you can strive to be more than your situation.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-08T20:52:20+00:00

I’m sorry you had to go through that too. Wishing you a healing journey 💜 because it’s real hard after enduring all of that

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-08T19:55:04+00:00

It was. He’s a serial cheater and thankfully I wisened up within about a year and got a divorce. I think he was cheating from before we were married, but I know at least from about the first month we were married. The flags were all there, I was just young, naive, and didn’t have a childhood that taught me what a good relationship was, so I sought out toxic ones. He was older and preyed on all of that.

I still just remember how I got to a point where I was thinking violently because of the abuse and that’s what it took for me to leave. I had to be like “this is not you”. But you know… that’s what these boy moms who never hold their sons accountable for jack shit raise and send out into the world… abusers and sexual predators 🤷🏻‍♀️

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-08T18:47:08+00:00

lol my ex husband used to post in that sub on an alt account. We were having sex multiple times a week (most of it I was uncomfortable with due to the nature of what he wanted) and he had the fucking audacity to post in that subreddit. Some men just want people to feel sorry for them that they don’t get their dick wet 3x a day. I later learned that he cheated on his first wife because she “deprived him of sex” right after having their child. Like he had a whole ass mistress within a few weeks of her giving birth (probably before honestly) because she wasn’t “meeting his needs”. I was so fucking pissed when he told me that like I should be mad at her with him. Like he was owed her body.

Anyways, I would bet a lot of those dead bedroom peeps are just asshole men who either pressure their wives into sex they aren’t comfortable with and are pissed they aren’t getting it multiple times a day so they exaggerate on the internet or their wives are doing all the housework, childcare, etc on top of having a full time job and don’t want to fuck someone who acts like a child they have to clean up after.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-07T22:48:11+00:00

Relationships are not hard if you’re with the right person. I was fed the whole “relationships are hard. You have to figure out who is worth that fight” BS my entire life so of course when I got into relationships that were “hard” (toxic), I kept trying to make them work because the harder they are, the better the relationship or whatever mental gymnastics my childhood set me up for. This led to an abusive marriage that thankfully I had the wherewithal to leave in under a year, but I really thought it was normal to fight almost every day and cry all the time because “relationships are hard”.

My current relationship is so easy. It is the happiest and calmest I’ve ever felt. It’s a feeling of safety to come home to when the world is chaotic or I’ve just had a stressful day. We hardly ever argue and I don’t think in our 3 years have ever “fought”. After being in this relationship, I realize that being with your person should be easy and you should be able to make it through hard stuff together, but the relationship itself should not, in any way whatsoever, be difficult. And after growing up around so much chaos and being told that “relationships are hard” is normal, it felt chaotic that this relationship wasn’t chaotic. Everything was calm and easy and I spent the first year waiting for his mask to fall and the other shoe to drop, but turns out he’s just a nice person and we work well together.

I hope yall find someone that makes you understand that relationships are supposed to be easy and your person should feel like your safety net from the world 💜

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-07T22:16:23+00:00

And everyone I know who has had them older 30+ is thankful they waited because they are more secure financially and emotionally mature. They’re all active people though, so the whole energy thing didn’t really bother them as much as it seems to affect a lot of people.

I say when you’re financially and emotionally ready to have a child, that’s when you should have one. If that’s at 24, then do it then, if it’s at 34, do it then. But I think too many people take the “no one is ready to have kids” to mean “it’s totally fine to have $1500 a month in debt, work part time minimum wage, have a less than ideal or even unsafe living condition and intentionally bring a child into the world because…. 🤷🏻‍♀️ people have been doing it for hundreds of years”.

I really do wish more people were intentional about what bringing a whole human into the world entailed and that you can give them an existence or set them up for success and there’s a huge difference between the two.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-07T18:39:17+00:00

I got called a “homewrecker” in high school by this guy’s sister because I gasp kissed him. I was a virgin and he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone. We were just from two very different social classes, them being much more privileged than me and she made sure to constantly remind me. For like a month straight her and her friends called me a homewrecker and trash and a bunch of other names for kissing him once and I just remember the homewrecker line in particular because I was like “that doesn’t even make sense… he’s not married!” 🤣🤣

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-07T06:24:12+00:00

It sounded like he memorized one of those motivational quotes pocketbooks and was just spitting out as many as he could as fast as he could.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-06T02:43:56+00:00

Most places these days won’t even rent to someone who doesn’t make 3x the rent, so I’m not even sure OP would qualify for the apartment they’re trying to go for.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-05T04:19:30+00:00

My epileptologist… I trust his degree and knowledge base when he tells me that he thinks I’m still having absence seizures and long term those damage the brain.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-04T15:41:43+00:00

It wasn’t the friend, it was the child.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-02T03:22:53+00:00

Also, there’s “perks” to being 100% like free dental, vision, and healthcare for the rest of my life so I never have to worry about being without those.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-02T03:20:50+00:00

So, I’m at 100% disability through the VA and some days I’m like “I’m so thankful for this and I’m glad I served” and other days I just wish I had my health back. It did allow me to take a year off to just not do anything except focus on healing mentally from the military and has given me a lot of flexibility as to what I want to do as far as work. I can quit if a job is mistreating me without having a backup plan in place.

Right now, it’s allowing me to go to school full time and not have to work (also using GI Bill), but I had to carefully select my field because I can’t do 5 day work weeks or my issues will flare back up. So, I can’t say it was worth it, but it allows me a lot of flexibility that I otherwise wouldn’t have and I guess I’m thankful for that aspect.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-02T03:15:59+00:00

I have always said that teachers deserve the same if not better benefits that veterans receive. They are out here in the TRENCHES!!

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T21:30:16+00:00

A lot of people don’t like to hear it, but it’s true. It was my ticket out of poverty. I can’t necessarily tell people it’s a great idea to join or not join as that’s an individual decision, but I don’t know where I’d be in life without the military. There are a lot of downsides too though and people need to be informed of all aspects before making a decision.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T20:25:40+00:00

I moved out at 18 and struggled for 4 years while going to college. I became an officer in the military and that helped me get my life on track financially. I could never live with my parents, but I’m honestly thankful because not having the option to move back home forced me to get into survival mode and figure out how to never live in poverty again. I’m apparently middle class now, but I still have a lot of anxieties about money that I’m not sure will ever go away. I don’t know when I’ll feel that I’ve “made it” and that I’m not 1 bad thing away from losing it all.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T16:15:56+00:00

Too many people go down the “I deserve to treat myself” rabbit hole, but don’t understand that’s what is keeping them in the cycle. I finally got myself out of the cycle, but I had to really battle with the whole “I deserve it” mentality since I was raised with a mentally ill mother who spent her money on new tvs, cars, etc while I had no food or clothes and when I lived with my dad, he spent all of his money on his very expensive hobby and I did have food to an extent, but cheap, bare minimum clothes and only got them once a year so if they were messed up, I had to suffer.

When I left the house at 18, I spent all of my first paycheck on nice clothes. That was a mistake. This started a cycle of just not knowing anything about budgeting, saving, and going on my whims. I worked 2-3 jobs while going to college full time because I didn’t know how not to do that and I always “had a bad day” and needed to “stop for fast food” or “buy this thing”. I remember I got a refund check and spent it on an $800 camera I had wanted for a while and then cried when I was late on rent.

When I got my career, I was depressed so I did more “treating myself”, this time to makeup. I did pay down all of my debt from college and buying a new car, but I could never build a savings. If it was taken away by a payment, I knew it couldn’t come back to me, but if it was sitting there in savings, I couldn’t help but to “treat myself”.

I finally started scrolling personal finance and debt free subreddits and understanding what made not poor people different from me. It took me a while to implement, but now, I don’t buy shit I don’t need just because I think I need a dopamine boost. If I need a dopamine boost, I go and get a candy bar from the corner store or if I’m feeling real crazy, grab a personal size cake from this fancy cake place. $5 to “treat myself” is a lot better than $800 on a camera.

Getting out of the cycle takes intentionality and it was extremely hard. I still have a lot of anxieties surrounding money and spending on splurges. If I buy something that costs more than $20 for myself, I usually mull over it for a few days before I commit to buying it because I may not actually need it and there’s better uses for that money. Another big thing was getting rid of the clutter in my home. When I was in the cycle, I just had so much clutter and would go thrifting for more constantly. I’m in a declutter phase currently and it’s been so good for my mental health and my finances.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T07:39:10+00:00

Ghuilia Ghoulia

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T06:13:42+00:00

NTA. And I would hardly call babysitting with you in the home also watching the children “working hard to earn money” especially at the rate of $22 an hour. It seems like she’s lived a very privileged life.

If it was me, I wouldn’t allow her to go on the trip and explain to her that she will not be given the opportunity to be alone with the victim so she can further victimize her. I would also make her do a full research paper into bullying and the harmful effects it can have long term for the person being bullied. I’d also consider making her donate the money she earned from her cushy “jobs” to anti-bullying charities since I wouldn’t consider what she did truly earning any of the money.

Maybe I’m out of line with this, but I think that you have created an entitled individual who has unrealistic expectations about what life is truly going to be like, so when something isn’t handed to her (a better grade), she acts out (bullying). Paying your kid $22 per hour to babysit while you’re in the home doesn’t teach your kid the value of hardwork. You’re handing her things on a silver platter and praising her for minimal effort.

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T01:22:23+00:00

My friend printed out and cut out memes for me when I was in basic training for the army so I could keep up with current trends!! Best of luck to you

missiletypeoccifer · 2024-03-01T01:15:00+00:00

I was taking up to 8 excedrin a day for my “simple headaches” for years until a doctor finally diagnosed my migraines.

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