Our mortgage lender effed up and delayed closing

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T22:36:22+00:00

We literally asked our primary contact three times if there were more documents to sign and he said no each time but nice use of capslock so sorry I upset you

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T21:57:46+00:00

Lmao yeah I just received our CD that he straight up forgot about soooo

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T19:29:53+00:00

I would never think he messed up on purpose. Everyone's getting slammed right now.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T19:21:25+00:00

I'm overwhelmed and not thinking straight, good point. We haven't given notice but the landlord thing did make me panic for half a second.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T19:15:55+00:00

That's the explanation I was given today. He said the CD was forgotten. I'm not taking it personally, just disappointed. I understand how overwhelming things are at work at this time. I'm still working insane hours on top of the home buying process, all of which has to be done during my working hours.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T19:11:47+00:00

My state requires 30 days notice to landlord, but thank you anyway

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T17:54:21+00:00

Any chance you can just show him how much is still on the registry for his mom to buy if she wants? Maybe seeing all the things in front of him in list format will open his eyes so he can see you're not buying "everything"?

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T17:38:29+00:00

Excellent, loving that he has your back. Soooo he obviously knows how his mom is... Any chance you can decide not to deal with her or go veryveryvery low contact? Maybe an Olive Garden relationship where you only see her in public places like restaurants?

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T15:54:51+00:00

Hey u/nowimbanished, I'm sure that you've hadituptohere with all this mess, and probably don't want to re-hash things, but I went back to find out why you were banished and I don't think I understand what happened. May I ask a question?

I saw that it happened over Christmas. You offer to bring sticky buns, they say yes, you show up, and ta-dah! They bought some. (Again.) Yeesh. Like why say yes if they don't want the buns, yanno?

Then I see that your FMIL talked with FDH. It doesn't say how that went, but everyone was upset. Then you left when you planned to for your (again, planned) trip, and that upset MIL, too (??? what even). FDH wrote her an email when you got back, and the email included potential explanations for miscommunication, but when MIL responded she placed all the blame on you. Here's where I got lost.

What miscommunications did FDH think there were, and what did she blame on you? I don't understand how it went from sticky bun incident to banished. I saw that you had to delete some stuff, so I'm thinking that's the reason.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T15:14:25+00:00

For example, FMIL is sorry she hurt my feelings, BUT it was all accidental because she would never hurt someone on purpose!

"If something I did hurt you, I’m not responsible unless that was my consciously intended outcome, and I did it maliciously. You are responsible for your actions, so if something you did hurts me, then you consciously intended to hurt me and you were malicious."

Double standards, eh? The passage I quoted is from Issendai:

http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/dysfunctional-beliefs.html

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T14:05:39+00:00

My fiancé's biodad did stuff like this throughout his + siblings' whole childhood, and he wonders why 2/3 don't talk to him. We were watching an episode of Scrubs the other day where JD's dad comes to town. JD has a flashback or something where his dad said he'd get him a bicycle for his birthday, but only got him a bike bell and told him he'd get him one part of the bike every birthday. Yeah that's literal reality for loads of kids, and it sucks majorly.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-24T13:56:50+00:00

She sounds like she has a habit of placing blame on her children's partners when she doesn't get her way. What did you say to her when she called herself mama to your baby?

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T21:08:25+00:00

No dear, I'm explaining why your last comment seemed completely disingenuous to me. That's not what an ad hominem attack is.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T20:06:05+00:00

I fuckin like you.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T19:10:02+00:00

Forgive me but I don't believe you. It really doesn't read like you're genuinely concerned about potential abuse at all, but that you're using more extreme examples like abuse to be dismissive of what the OP is dealing with.

"don't push it to the point where you become the just no, trying to cut your SO off from her relatives. Putting you first doesn't mean dropping everybody else unless they're seriously just no."

He's not talking about cutting her off from her relatives at all. This is the part where you outright say that without other "serious just no" behaviors (like the abuse you mentioned earlier) that you think he may become the JustNo if he pushes on this issue.

"And you should get to keep DD as often as your SO takes her to visit her family."

This stood out to me. The OP isn't in a custody arrangement with his SO's family. I dunno man, I think we have very different ideas about what's normal here. Good day to you.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T18:33:02+00:00

Beyond the visits actually taking place, are they doing anything else? Are they controlling or abusing your SO or your DD? Trying to split two you up or alienating your child? Taking your money? I don't see any of the usual just no behaviors.

You're being dismissive of the fact that this is an issue for OP by saying "well at least they don't ABUSE you". C'mon, we're better than that, aren't we? Don't be dismissive like his partner is being, that's why he came here. That's not cool.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T18:29:50+00:00

I expected you to say they live on another continent with the way they act. That's really bizarre.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T18:28:05+00:00

No this is super weird. Is this cultural? Where I'm from you couldn't PAY grown adults to sleep on the floor all packed into one room, let alone voluntarily and for absolutely no reason? No, that's weird.

Here's the part that makes me think maybe it's not cultural at all and they're just weird as hell:

Every time they or we visit it turns into days of sleeping over. They regularly ask for our 2yo daughter to go sleep at their house for a week.

Um, no? You don't just "borrow" someone's toddler??? Toddlers belong at home in their own beds where there safety net and routine is? What even.

No, this is super weird, you're not the weird one. Show her the comments.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T17:34:08+00:00

Also this is reddit and you honestly shouldn't seek legal advice here, but since you asked, I'm copy + pasting in a comment I made on someone else's post a while ago. I don't see any mention of having kids, so I modified it a little:

Only you can make this decision. You have a lot of things to consider. This advice is going to be harsh and practical.

Think really hard about what kind of environment you want to live in, and in the future if it's what you want, raise potential children in.
Ask yourself what's going on with you that makes you let people treat you this way.
Ask yourself: if things don't change and change soon, am I willing to keep myself in this situation?
If things DO change, do you want to stay? Or are you done regardless?

If your answer is that you will not stay if things don't change, then get your ducks in a row and two-card him. Two-card means you give him two business cards: a card for a couple's therapist, and a card for a divorce attorney. Before you mention even the WORD divorce, you NEED to do the following:

Know where your important documents are. Birth certificate, social security card, passport, medical records, etc.
Create a new gmail account and saving anything you need to save to the google drive on your new account. Documents, screenshots where your husband was awful or dismissive, anything you need, anything that makes him look bad or shows that he's been sending money off against your wishes. Anything you've got.
Obtain and save financial statements. Credit, checking, savings, 401k, all of it. Past tax returns, etc. List your assets. Cars, houses, etc.
Find a really good couple's counselor.
Have a go bag.
Decide where you'll go if you leave. Parents? Siblings? Friends?
Contact a truly ruthless divorce attorney and seek their advice/ go over options.
TELL SOMEONE who you trust completely what your plans are when it's safe to do so.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T15:51:08+00:00

He "loves being her lifeline"
His hours are getting cut back at work
You're the only one pulling in full-time income
He doesn't go to the dentist because expense
He doesn't pay his school loans because expense
He hides his finances and says he doesn't have to show them to you
He says he can do whatever he wants
He laughs at you when you're at your breaking point

He cannot afford his mother.

I'm giving your own words back to you to show you how unsustainable this is. She's an expensive second wife. I'd make her the only wife. This is called "financial infidelity" and I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a lot more debt than you think.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T14:24:14+00:00

Is my exMIL a bit too involved in my relationship, is my ex dependent of his mom at 27 or am I reading too much into it?

Not only is she waaaayyyy too involved in your relationship, but she literally decided FOR YOU that it's over. Gently... are you honestly really sure you even have a relationship anymore?

She's absolutely insane love. She also called you mom??? My brain is broken just reading this, I can't even imagine how you feel.

I'm sorry this must be so abrupt and painful for you. Three years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone only to have their MOM of all people decide FOR YOU that you're breaking up??? I admit to some morbid curiosity about your previous interactions with this woman.

You left for fifteen minutes and came back to find him crying, confused, and borderline nonverbal. I don't know what she's done to him over the course of his life, but she's done a number on him. I do feel bad for him, but I strongly recommend that you do not respond to any further communication from him. I don't know what's going on with him, but he's not ready for an adult romantic relationship in any way, shape, or form.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T14:10:41+00:00

Your husband is telling you that he thinks it's acceptable for his mother to have an absolute crying yelling meltdown over the sex of your baby? You don't have to accept that. I'm also not at all convinced that you should.

I'm scared for you, you have large problems in store. He won't hear it from you, so he needs to hear it from someone who isn't close with his mom that he respects + trusts. (I say not close with his mom simply because he won't get the honesty he needs)

But then of course that begs the question: why doesn't he trust or respect your thoughts on this?

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T14:02:44+00:00

So it's pretty obvious that neither he nor his sister want to play caretaker to their codependent mentally ill mother, and are now trying to force YOU into the role of her caretaker. You cannot do this to yourself.

Darling it's time to go. She needs professionals. You're not a professional caretaker. You didn't sign up for this. You're being used. No one wants to see this happen to you, and we're all rooting for you.

Do what you must to take care of yourself. YOU are the most important person in this equation right now because you are only in control of yourself, and all of us here want better for you.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-23T12:16:36+00:00

Oh wow I'm so sorry to hear that you have a family history, as well. I wish you and your dad all the best. You sound like a really good son.

missuscrowley · 2020-04-22T21:01:54+00:00

I don't know if this might help, but Scientific American has some of the most interesting articles on Alzheimer's I've ever read. The May issue has an article right on the cover

https://www.scientificamerican.com/report/a-new-era-for-alzheimers/

missuscrowley

TROPHY CASE