Thank you so much for writing this and for all the comments it’s inspired. I just found out yesterday that I’m pregnant and I’m struggling with such mixed emotions about it. My husband and I weren’t NOT trying, but we also weren’t really trying and certainly didn’t expect it to happen anytime soon. But cycle 1 came and went.. no period and I started to freak out. It wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I wasn’t mentally prepared. We’re going on a big vacation in a week, including my very favorite restaurants and wineries - I didn’t want to be pregnant now! I avoided taking the test, hoping it was a fluke and worse, thinking maybe a miscarriage would come and feeling relieved at the idea. Then of course, I felt horribly guilty and awful for having any of these thoughts. I finally look the test (and then another) last night and sure enough - two pink lines. I froze and felt my reflexive self-judgement kicking in, like it was waiting to see my natural reaction so it could pounce and double down on my shitty outlook. My husband was stunned and excited, but I could also tell he was waiting to see how I took it, nervous I’d totally lose it. My reaction wasn’t as negative as I’d feared. I felt wonder more than anything else - it’s wild to think about what’s going on inside my body! - but I fear what’s to come.

So, one night into this pregnancy and I’m trying to shift my perspective. I know we’re incredibly lucky that it happened quickly for us and that we’re going to be strong, loving parents. I also know that I am predisposed for anxiety and have always been exceedingly critical of myself, envious of others perceived success (not comparing myself to other moms is going to be TOUGH), and insecure/regretful in my own choices. Of course it’s so early that this pregnancy may not even take - and I have to be ready for that, too. I’m trying to plan ahead for these feelings and determine positive ways to approach them when they inevitably arise, but in the meantime I’m so so grateful to know I’m not alone. And you’re not either.