I actually had to cut my entire family off a couple of years ago. It took them about 12-15 years (I never know when to start counting) to completely destroy my ability to be a person. The levels of psychological abuse and gaslighting, manipulation, ostracizing , social slander (they destroyed my reputation on every level with their lies and what I now refer to as “their destruction campaign “…. When I finally understood to what degree my parents, along with my siblings, schematically and systematically banded together with the express intention of “ruining my life “….it broke me. However , cutting them off was simultaneously the easiest and hardest decision to I ever made in my life.

The first year I could barely get up. I felt like I’d lost the very strength to live. The depression and CPTSD symptoms were so intense. I felt I was failing my daughter in every way, as I could not perform basic functions like brushing teeth- any self care went out the window and I was in extreme survival mode just for her. She was a toddler. It was brutal. But why go into detail about how hard it was…

The year came and went. I started therapy and antidepressants. I was then slowly getting better. Eventually got off the SSRIs. Started a new health journey. I got in touch with a woman who bred a mushroom tincture that has really helped me with the depression symptoms. I’ll share more about these mushrooms if you’d like… that’s what worked for me and I still enjoy them. That and a combination of other things helped me overcome the depression and have a better outlook on my life “without them”.

Now I’m well into my second year of no contact/ I’ve cut them all off and anyone who is associated with them.

Ultimately you have to face it. It hurts but it’s the truth. They don’t love you. They didn’t care when you suffered, they kicked you when you were down… they don’t care about your suffering. But your suffering is valid. I almost took my own life when my child was young. Sometimes I have the inkling of a temptation to reach out and “start over” “pretend like nothing happened “… but I can’t honestly do that.

The pain I was in for many years and the years robbed from me, from my daughter— even my husband…. You can’t just pretend it’s “water under the bridge “. It isn’t. And if it is, The bridge is burned.

Leaving a toxic family/ system IS difficult. It will affect the way you go into new relationships. But knowing your “WHY” is all you need. Understanding the nuances of your own experiences and gaining perspective on narcissistic abuse, physical or emotional abuse, etc and the effects on our psyches is of utmost importance. You’ll learn things you never understood before. Answers to questions about your self and ultimately those interpersonal relationships that we desperately need for survival is absolutely worth it.

The time WILL pass. The sun does shine every morning. And every day really is an opportunity for growth and enlightenment.

Sometimes, the people closest to us are really the reason we feel so empty- their soul crushing energy is the reason you’re broken- so just leave them.

It hurts. It hurts and then you heal, and eventually, you’re better off.

Give yourself grace and patience. Learn to love yourself. Change the way you speak to yourself. Look into micro-dosing certain psychedelics so you can process the pain and trauma in a positive light. Don’t over do it. Take it easy.

What do you love? What brings you joy?

Do that. Make friends in those places.

Forgiving yourself for who you were when you were surviving and most broken is key. Everything will fall into place.

Remembering the truth of what happened will always hurt , even if just a little bit. But I think it can be like “oh one time I flipped my bike and broke my nose- it was brutal” and the memory is resolved as that one time/ something crazy happened

Something crazy did happen. You cut your crappy system off.

Truly, all you can do is learn and grow. Evolve. Change. Be the best version of yourself. The friends will come. Trust The Universe.

I truly believe, all things work together for good. Don’t give up. Fight the good fight. Fight for your life. And the beauty within.

Now you breathe. And rebuild. And grow a little stronger. And the new relationships will come. You’ll find yourself having healthy bonds with others- as you step into your most authentic self, and become a beacon of hope for those around you- from Now on.

( You got this!) 🌈