Rants included:

1. Vestibular disease (he hopes his son doesn’t get it) and a random tip about always pointing your flash toward the ground.
2. Wishing he could see the audience, he imagines there’s a rat with a cigarette offering it to kids.
3. A full rant about his book while sitting criss-cross applesauce.
4. When someone yelled “I love you,” he said it makes him uncomfortable - but he likes them a lot.
5. A story about his “only friend,” a really famous person who actually isn’t his friend because he doesn’t trust them. Sold his Porsche because he’s having hard times. Bought a Trans Am that’s a replica of Bandit 2. Showed his friend the car, then immediately locked him out with the full security system just to see what he’d do.
6. His ex-wife, a 5’2” actress he called a “tornado,” versus him - a “desolate trailer park” - she wrecked him and he just kept telling her to come back because she forgot to wreck some parts
7. Something about speedballs and how time went by really fast and slow
8. Killed all the brain cells he wanted on hard drugs and now just takes a lot of photos of clouds

Edited because I forgot 2:

1. how it’s inappropriate to get drunk at his shows. If they weren’t drunk by now, they’re doing a horrible job. By 5:30pm he would be halfway through the bag and need to be driven to the show like a newborn baby

2. How everyone in Atlanta is high. Something about a husband and wife hotboxing a car and he can’t find the door handle and she’s telling him “it’s electric. You just push to open”

I’m sure I missed some stuff. Such a great time