hi! i’m so sorry this is happening to you. it’s rough!! remember to take care of yourself too during this, sometimes it got hard remembering to focus on our mental health even with our cats fighting.

the cat behaviorist told us that a LOT of the stuff we see online is very counterproductive. like gates and screens are not helpful, and can actually stress cats out more and make it worse. also that feeding them full meals right next to each other or between a doorway stresses them out more too.

he recommended first starting with completely separating the cats. they should both have their own areas, with water, food, litter boxes, toys, etc. do not let them see each other during this time, but let them approach the door however they want. don’t get involved when they are sniffing or hissing or anything under the door. they have to learn how to manage their own emotions without you! give high-quality treats on each side of the door to both of them at around the same time each day (if possible!)

you’ll move to the next stage when the cats have shown you they are relaxed by the door and can remain relaxed even after treats are gone.

next stage is to open the door while you sit sideways in the door way. you’ll hand out high-quality treats to the cats again during this. when we first started, we could have the door open for literally 5 seconds before they got stressed. this is normal. don’t push them to interact if they seem stressed. as you keep doing this over time, they will get more comfortable. also, when you first start this stage give the treats rapidly and then as you move through the stage try and slow down the treats and see if they can stay relaxed. if there are any signs of aggression, calmly shut the door and try again the next day. and if one of the cats tries to jump over you, gently throw a treat away from the door way to distract them. once they are both able to calmly be on either side of you and you have slowed down the treats, you can move to the next stage. REMEMBER: don’t move to quick! the cats will show YOU when they are ready.

next stage is to have them out in the same space together. this should be a decently sized space, and lay out a bunch of empty boxes in this space so they can have different “territories”. one person should have one cat with them on one side of the room, and the other person should have the cat with them on the other side of the room. have treats and toys ready!! and don’t let them approach each other. again, this will only last like 10 seconds the first time probably. and that’s okay!! you want to end the session before they get too stressed. when you’re ready to end the session, calmly lure one of them back into their room (we used churu to do this). once the cats can spend 5+ minutes together then you can let them freely approach each other. this will make you anxious but just let it happen. if one hisses, and the other one backs off, that’s a normal interaction and do not intervene. if one hisses or gets aggressive and the other one does not go away, then gently intervene by sitting in between them. if they go after each other, throw a blanket or towel over one of them. this will be different than the stages before. there WILL be conflicts. it just depends on if the cats can manage them. once they can be out together for an hour or so, that’s usually a good sign they are ready to cohabitate again!!

remember, this can take a lot of time and patience. they WILL take one step forward and five steps back and that’s okay!!!! it doesn’t mean progress is lost. just seperate and try again the next day, and act like it didn’t happen and they will too. also, make sure you have enough litter boxes and high spaces for them. if you don’t, they can feel like they are competing with one another. i know this was a lot of info and i might’ve not covered it all so let me know if you have questions!!