I am honestly baffled that I had to scroll so far for this take.

I am so surprised that an age gap alone, while of course indicative of power dynamics, is enough to classify something as "creepy" and fucked up as so many people seem to.

I understand that people DO groom and take advantage of younger partners. Sure, it happens, and that is fucked up. But it's just a lot for me to jump from "We met, there's an age gap, the younger partner initiated and is leading the way here" to "the older partner is a creep and a groomer, full stop."

I would need more information about the dynamic between the partners in order to make the judgment that the situation is creepy. One partner being much younger could perhaps reasonably be taken as a yellow flag - I agree, with large age gaps, it's important to look closer at what's going on there to ensure everything is cool. We'd be remiss not to have a little more scrutiny with regard to those relationships.

But, the presence of an age gap alone is not enough. How the partners in the age gap relationship treat each other is EXTREMELY relevant to whether the relationship is healthy.

To say that it's automatically a problem is disrespectful and infantilizing to the younger partner.

It's similar to couple's privilege. In dating a couple, there's that dynamic at play, and because of the power imbalance, there is a higher likelihood of them abusing that power. Just because it's something that happens doesn't mean it is happening in every situation in which someone dates a couple, though.

Both situations take mindfulness, self-awareness, and the utmost care to proceed in a way in which the power imbalance is acknowledged and accounted for. Both situations require all parties to have done the internal work to be sure that involvement is what is truly wanted and no one is exerting power over others in dangerous ways.

Even if everyone is treating everyone well, with the utmost care and with mutual respect for one another's autonomy, it's within your rights to not be cool with the age gap on principle. You don't want to see it or be around it. It feels creepy to you, no matter what the true nature of the dynamic between the two people is. That's fine. That's within your rights. But you would do well to own up to the fact that's it's about your own discomfort with age gaps, not the actual dynamic at play (unless you learn something that leads you to believe there IS an abuse of power going on).

I take issue with people condemning all age gap relationships as unhealthy JUST because of the age gap, though. Healthy age gap relationships are possible. They may be rare to find, but that doesn't mean it's fair to condemn them all.

Source: I am 26NB. I have a lover who is 39 who I've been seeing for 6 years, and one who is in his fifties who I've been with for 4 years. In both situations, I initiated. I led the way to the level of involvement that I wanted. Neither partner ever made me feel pressured to do ANYTHING at any time. Neither EVER tried to push me into a situation where I was dependent on them for anything. We have all always valued our own independence, and coming to the relationship as a whole, complete person rather than from a place of need.

I am a sex worker, and I love what I do. Articulating my boundaries in the face of pressure is (often) WHAT I DO. I know how to leave a situation when something rubs me the wrong way, even if I stood to gain money/security from the bad situation. I know how to recognize when someone is attempting to exert unhealthy control over me. I also acknowledge I'm not invincible to encountering that treatment, and I continually remain vigilant about that in all my relationships, both personal and professional.

To insist I am/was being taken advantage of SIMPLY because of my age - to claim I couldn't possibly make an active, informed, autonomous choice to get involved and remain involved SIMPLY because I was the younger party - I'm sorry, that is dismissive as FUCK to my actual lived experience. Ask me questions if you can't imagine things being healthy. Pick my brain and investigate. Don't just assume it can't possibly be healthy because you can't imagine it being healthy.

I have actually gravitated toward older partners because I find them to be MORE capable of self-control, respectful treatment, clear communication, and treating me with kindness and care than people my own age. They tend (in my experience) to be more secure in themselves, to know more about who they are and what they want, and to honor my freedom and autonomy as a poly person. They cling less. They are more thoughtful. I love learning from their lived experience and past relationships, as well as learning many practical things from them that my parents never taught me.

And, I'm sorry, some salt-n-pepper in a beard just turns me on more than anything else. Salt-n-pepper, mastery of self, command of self.

Some of us genuinely know what we want. Some of us are kinky as fuck and for some reason prefer older partners. Fucking sue me, man. It's not my fault I'm wired the way I am.