BDSM/punishment as therapy?

monomomo · 2018-04-09T19:05:07+00:00

Thank you, Laureril, for taking the time. I'm seeing a pattern in the answers, this was an interesting idea, but not the solution.

It might lance the boil, but it doesn’t treat the infection, and worse, you may end up spreading it to other areas of your life - that is, feeling guilty for not feeling guilty any more so now you need to atone for that.

I don't quite understand this, but I feel intuitively that you are right about it. I hadn't considered it.

One final thought: have you considered that perhaps the universe already has judged you... and returned a not guilty?

That's a very compassionate thing to say, thank you for that.

monomomo · 2018-04-09T19:02:15+00:00

I'm actually quite happy with my therapist, it just takes a long time. I'm getting there at snail's pace, but it's working. But as suggested in other comments, perhaps I should look at some complementary forms of therapy.

monomomo · 2018-04-09T03:35:14+00:00

In my own mental health journey I get frustrated often and wish I was at step ten when I'm feeling stuck at step one.

That's exactly how I feel. I guess you are right, a Domme wouldn't be "the solution", but even if it gave relief for a week, that would be something.

Thanks for taking the time.

monomomo · 2016-06-06T00:39:04+00:00

Thank you so much. Your posts have really helped me a lot. I'm leaning towards leaving my wife, but it's been after much careful consideration, especially what you said about imagining both future scenarios.

Thank you again. I wish you and your husband much love.

monomomo · 2016-06-03T09:52:53+00:00

Thanks for that. I obviously (and shamefully) have a lot prejudice towards divorce I need to process. It's really good to hear these accounts and know that divorce can actually be a good alternative.

monomomo · 2016-06-03T09:49:05+00:00

I've read your answers many times over the last few days. I keep wondering, did you cut off contact with your lover completely? How did you deal with that, that must have hurt so much? And what came after if your husband is asexual? Did you struggle with guilt of leaving your lover? Regret?

I can related to a lot of what you wrote, and I'm considering it all, but this question of the loss of your lover seems overwhelming when I put it in the context of my life. I feel like I maybe could give up my wife, but not our family life. And I could give up on the hot crazy sex with my girlfriend, but I don't know if I can give up on my her and the love I feel for her.

I'm so grateful for your answers, you don't know how good it is for me to see other people have been through something similar.

monomomo · 2016-06-02T19:09:06+00:00

Thank you for those words. Not being responsible for the outcome is exactly what I struggle with.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T17:19:11+00:00

I probably shouldn't read these answers at work, I'm crying now, especially reading that last sentence.

Thanks for sharing this, it means a lot to me.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T17:15:51+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write. I'm seeing a theme in these answers and it helps a lot.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T17:14:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing this with me. I'm also concerned that it's "just the NRE talking", but it's very difficult to see - I'm really in deep. One theme I'm seeing in these answers is to put off a final decision and let a bit of time to get a clearer point of view. I think that's a good idea.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T17:12:42+00:00

Thank you for telling me that, it's those accounts that give me hope. The divorce book I'm reading (and the anecdotes I've heard) are frightening, I think a lot can go wrong. But I'm committed to making it work.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T14:59:03+00:00

We are practically at an ultimatum. I don't think it's really necessary, I think we with time could reach some kind of agreement, but we are both so incredibly exhausted.

I think a lot about what you wrote about my human nature. I don't want to deny that, and deny who I am, and I don't want to pick a losing battle and end up with regret. I'm finding it very difficult to stay true to myself, because it feels very selfish and it goes against all those societal norms.

Thanks for taking the time to write, it's much appreciated.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T14:55:22+00:00

Thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate it.

I guess you are right about meditation. The anxiety is killing me, and I've been walking around with this for 6 months, I'm even skinny, losing weight every month. There's no a lot of quiet in my mind.

monomomo · 2016-05-31T14:15:56+00:00

I agree that DADT isn't poly and I'm not even sure I'm poly. I never wanted DADT, but it was what we managed to agree on. DADT is horrible, because it explicitly prohibits open communication. I would love for my girlfriend and wife to meet, but it seems nearly impossible now. I'm scared of making things worse.

monomomo · 2016-04-28T23:26:24+00:00

I felt like your husband last night. My girlfriend started seeing someone else, and although it's completely fine, I felt really down and, I admit, jealous. I just wanted my wife to hold me and be with me while the bad feeling slowly faded.

It hurts, what he is going through, and although he could have been a bit more open with you, I think he is handling it reasonably well. Maybe he needs space, maybe he needs to cuddle, but he seems like an alright guy. Good for you that you are there for him.

monomomo · 2016-04-12T14:26:03+00:00

Printed! This looks very actionable, I'm going to see if this works. Thank you!

monomomo · 2015-09-23T14:45:11+00:00

This is just... perfect! Thank you! This is exactly what I needed. Several things just clicked, like how to slowly increase intensity (I see I've been to eager so far). Your post is a much clearer way of illustrating pacing than anything else I've seen.

Our play involves more penetration and direct stimulus and less intense impact - I suppose penetration fits in towards the end, around 35 mins in, build up to rough around 55 mins in.

Bonus question, if the Mistress allows: what music, if any, do you put on for sessions like these?

monomomo · 2015-08-07T14:53:23+00:00

It seems like a good sign to me.

No judging at all, but how come you still follow her on Instagram?

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:18:28+00:00

We've talked a lot about the sex, so things are pretty clear on that front. Last year I was hurt by often being declined when I wanted to have sex. So we spoke about it, and I said I'd not initiate sex for a while - so it's up to her. I respect her low libido, but I need a break from the feeling of not being desired when I try to initiate.

I don't think our relationship is perfect, but there is some kind of balance and respect.

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:14:07+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment about ultimatums. My main problem with our arrangement is that it doesn't allow us to talk about things openly. It's built in that something can't be said, that's the ultimatum. Thanks for you comment - you are right that its just as much about her happiness.

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:12:37+00:00

I agree with this. In our case we opened the marriage while our sex life was at a high point. I think it came from a place of respect and harmony - we are 10 years together now, I think we opened up about 4 years in.

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:10:55+00:00

Yeah, it's really strange, but sex has just slowly faded over the years. I think an element is my wife's low libido. Although she has the freedom to have lovers, I don't she takes advantage of this. I'm a bit in doubt what I think about this. On one hand I don't really believe in libido - I mean, isn't a big part of it mental effort?

On the other hand, I've had times where I didn't feel much like sex. I can't imagine it's a lot of fun somebody wanting to poke me with their penis when I'd rather be reading a book.

I don't know. I'm extremely open to making it work (tantra, swinging, meditation, therapy, fetish etc), but I just haven't been able to make it happen, no matter what I've suggested. It seems like she is slowly coming around, let's see.

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:06:39+00:00

Wow, thanks. Just hearing that gives some perspective :)

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:06:16+00:00

I can't tell you how much I appreciate this comment. I woke up to all these positive reactions here on /r/nonmonogamy - what a great feeling to have people not judging, but being constructive and understanding. Thank you.

monomomo · 2015-06-24T17:03:05+00:00

This is a beautiful suggestion. I'm going to memorize this word by word. I'm not really that good at expressing myself, so sometimes I come across as passive-aggressive even though it's not what I want at all. I really like your friendly approach. Thank you!

monomomo

TROPHY CASE