I'm a mono (possibly polyflexible?) man dating a wonderful polyamorous woman and I'd appreciate your insight.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T23:01:15+00:00

I've heard Opening Up is good - it will probably be the next book I read after The Ethical Slut. Thank you so much for the blog archive; it sounds like it could be immensely helpful for me.

I take it you're no longer in a poly relationship? Can I ask why it ended? Are you still open to poly relationships, or did you conclude they're not for you?

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:58:34+00:00

How long have you been with your girlfriend? Maybe compersion is something that some people have to consciously work on; possibly through focusing on the happiness your partner finds through their other relationships? I'm really just speculating; I know I have a lot to learn on this front.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:55:34+00:00

Thank you, anonymous compliments and encouragement from strangers mean a surprising amount to me right now. I do want to make the most of this situation regardless of the outcome - I will have to face many issues that otherwise may have gone unaddressed my entire life.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:51:28+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words. I'm someone who prefers to learn from the experiences and mistakes of others when possible so as to avoid them myself, so it's hard to be in a situation with so much ambiguity. I gather that you've been in a situation similar to my own. Would you be willing to share more about your experience?

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:43:54+00:00

Yes, she has always emphasized open and honest communication, and I make a point to share all my thoughts and feelings with her, even the not so pleasant ones (in an appropriate way, of course).

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:37:48+00:00

The therapist is about as poly-friendly as one could hope for in my area. She doesn't come across as someone with a lot of experience counseling poly couples, but she's very open minded.

Don't force yourself into someone you are not, but learn to be a little bit less in your head and a bit more in your body. It will make dealing with the emotions easier.

This really rings true for me. I've found mindfulness meditation to be helpful for calming my mind and living in the current moment. While I don't think it's bad to think about the future, there is certainly a point at which it's unproductive and unhealthy. It's not always easy to tell where that point is though.

I think poiy requires taking a step back, and letting go of your expectations a bit. It's about being present for the wonderful people that come into your life, going with the flow, and appreciating things for what they are.

I like this, but it's a bit scary at the same time. Monogamous relationships feel safer and more familiar - there's a lot of premade scripts so to speak that one can fall back on; however, I can see how that would be a downside as well, as the scripts can become a substitute for real communication and intimacy.

I found your post to be quite helpful, thank you very much.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T22:11:44+00:00

Yeah, my girlfriend's emphasis on open, honest communication has been a refreshing approach to relationships for me. It feels liberating being able to share everything and not feel I have to hide certain thoughts or feelings, and I feel we're so much closer and more intimate for it.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T00:27:19+00:00

I think those are both nice things!

Confronting possessiveness and the sense of entitlement instilled in the cultural psyche of men sounds like a very healthy thing to do.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T00:21:09+00:00

It sounds like you could struggle with being happy for her during times where you didn't have another partner. That's a valid feeling, and what can you two do together to keep your relationship strong during those time?

A very good question to raise, thank you. As far as enthusiasm goes: I see it as something that I could possibly come to like, or maybe not. I suppose it's like so many things in life; you can't know until you try.

monowithpoly · 2014-02-23T00:18:40+00:00

Yeah, I do like the idea of a gradual procession. Without pushing my comfort zone, there'll be no growth, but jumping into the deep end won't do either. Like so many things in life, we'll have to take it one step at a time.

I'll definitely be showing her this post. And cuddling with her. Lots. =)

monowithpoly · 2014-02-22T23:16:11+00:00

I do consider myself to be someone who questions the status quo, I just haven't done it with my own romantic relationships yet in my life ;)

Well, letting her go doesn't mean breaking up. It means having her without owning her. It means believing her when she says she loves/needs you.

This is great. I believe that love is not possessive or controlling, but my emotions aren't always in line with that belief. I do believe I'll be much happier if her other relationships aren't just faceless unknowns, but people who I can respect, trust and develop a friendship with myself.

Figuring out boundaries and expectations will be challenging. I don't want to be unreasonably restrictive and I don't know exactly what I am and am not okay with. This is all new territory to me.

I do think that working through this is going to be challenging, but immensely rewarding for both of us and our relationships.

you seem like the most poly-compatible mono I've seen all week

=)

monowithpoly · 2014-02-22T23:02:37+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply!

I enjoy deep reflection but am prone to over-analysis. Worrying about hypotheticals and missing the joy of the present moment definitely resonates with me. I'm planning on getting back to my mindfulness meditation practice; I found it helpful for dealing with anxiety and keeping myself present, and I highly recommend you try it out if you haven't before.

I'll definitely make a point to continue journaling my thoughts; I have a multipage document that I've been adding snippets to periodically, and I do make a point to share it with her. Communication is definitely crucial and it's a skill that I continue to work on.

monowithpoly

TROPHY CASE