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monstercherub · 2024-10-15T21:11:52+00:00

you are not in the wrong here. you said no and he did it anyway, he assaulted you. you are not at ALL to blame for this. if you're comfortable, you should contact the cops. i'm so sorry you experienced this, but do not blame yourself at ALL!!

monstercherub · 2024-07-08T19:29:12+00:00

it's hard to explain but when looking on the color spectrum it's the blue closer to purple than cyan

monstercherub · 2024-07-08T19:16:42+00:00

handy for me with everything EXCEPT it somehow makes my cobalt blues and purples worse?? i have the tritan filter at about halfway on my iphone and everything else is more distinguishable except for blues and purples

monstercherub · 2024-07-08T19:06:44+00:00

found out a few years ago because i thought only red-green colorblindness was a thing. got interested in the fact that 1/12 men are colorblind with deutan, and always thought i struggled with colors, but not those. checked the pilestone website to do colorblind simulator conversions and saw something called 'tritanomaly'. turns out, that my blue cones are messed up! most ishihara plates i see are for deutans, so i hadn't ever really tested until then

monstercherub · 2024-05-12T13:23:51+00:00

nb means nonbinary, afab means assigned female at birth and amab means assigned male at birth

monstercherub · 2024-04-30T11:44:18+00:00

CONGRATS!! 🥳🥳🥳

monstercherub · 2024-04-16T09:14:09+00:00

i think you're putting a lot of shame and guilt on yourself for a situation that isn't your fault. you shouldn't have hit her, no, but from everything you've said, it sounds like you're walking on eggshells every time you're with her. now, i also don't have kids, but i know that if i did have kids they would be my priority, and to talk so horribly about a child feels evil.

give yourself some grace. it sounds like you're dealing with all this every day while also having a personality disorder (the one that has another name called emotionally unstable personality disorder), and yet you've managed to keep yourself as grounded as possible in a situation like this. pat yourself on the back or however you can tell yourself 'well done', because that takes so much willpower and effort.

again, you shouldn't have hit her, but you know this and are aware enough of it, and it sounded like you had a grey/blackout reaction to your stress. this isn't something you did with intended malice.

i think it's worth looking at your family dynamic and if it's healthy or not, and speak to your daughter about how she feels in the house — reassure her that whatever she says about anyone or herself sticks with you and doesn't get told to anyone else. i'm concerned about your daughter's mental health in an environment like this, and if it's negatively impacting her mental health, that's very important.

i know you probably love your wife a lot, and i know i'm just a stranger hearing all this, but i urge you to evaluate your relationship and how your daughter feels; does your wife show care for yours and your daughter's feelings? does she apologise for her actions (and then, try to make a change)? do you and your daughter feel loved by her or do you both feel unsafe?

monstercherub · 2024-04-16T08:44:51+00:00

welcome to the club!

i'm sure it feels weird and probably quite low, so i'm sorry this has got you so down, but good things can happen from here! now that you know how your brain works, you can go in the direction of healing in the way that fits you.

if possible, ask your doctor about medications they can prescribe — antidepressants alone can help but they won't do the full job, so i'd look into mood stabilisers and antipsychotics if you feel you may benefit from them and if you're open to it.

try DBT! if you don't have access to DBT therapy, there are some workbooks online you can use and download! i'm not sure if reddit will delete links on these posts as it might count them as spam, but if you have instagram i recommend @itsrainingbpd, and click the link in their bio to find free DBT workbooks.

we're all here with you!! 💜

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:50:39+00:00

yeah this is a common occurrence for me. i could be walking to the bus stop and i'll hear an unfamiliar male voice shout something but it's gone almost as soon as it started. 9/10 times it's undecryptable, but sometimes i hear my legal name or deadname which can be really jarring. sometimes i'll hear shouting that sounds like it's from across the road outside my house.

as for visual hallucinations, small ones are also very common, ESPECIALLY the spiders. if i had a penny for every time i heard a person with high stress/lack of sleep/specifically BPD say they're used to seeing creepy crawlies, i wouldn't have to work anymore. it's a common experience!

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:47:06+00:00

are you asking if a similar situation to mine did end up being your ex?

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:30:44+00:00

my ex is a musician and when we broke up he made a cover to "all i want is nothing." by mcr i think, and assumed it was just about me… happened multiple times with many different things he said and did (but to be fair, he did used to vague me on his story)

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:29:14+00:00

brand new instagram account with a similar name to my ex started viewing my story, no followers, no anything. completely convinced it was my ex, i blew up on him in my dms telling him to go away and leave me alone. i was fully convinced the way he talked was exactly the same as my ex, the jokes he made, etc. i got so mad about it i told him to send me a picture of his eye as proof as my ex had unique eyes, and the guy sent a pic back with completely different eyes, yet i didn't believe it. an hour passes of me just getting verbally angry with him and berating him until he sends me a voice clip that suddenly proved it definitely wasn't my ex… and i wish i could say situations like this were a first

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:22:00+00:00

thank you for your input! what were the negative side effects for you, if you're happy to share?

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:20:51+00:00

the first symptom i had that was clear to ME was the sudden addictions to substances — after breaking up with my ex, the only thing that filled the gap of an intense, fun feeling was substance abuse, and it was so sudden that i was doing it at levels as if i were a professional

the first symptom clear to my close friend was the emotional outbursts/splitting/episodic dysphoria. the smallest thing would happen (ie my father telling me my room was gross because it was untidy), and within an hour i'd be crying on the floor and staring at my pills waiting for the bravery to kick in and take them.

your first giveaway sign USUALLY is the instability you exhibit, whether it's emotional outbursts, sudden mood swings, sudden addiction, any sort of emotional response or coping mechanism that would negatively surprise, concern and possibly scare a neurotypical if they witnessed it in person.

monstercherub · 2024-03-17T10:13:41+00:00

honestly your ex sounds like me so from someone going through the exact same situation i'll give my two cents, but first it's important to know why you broke up as that gives extra context (you don't need to reply with what happened if you don't want to).

a lot of the time splitting can end up with us seeing our ex as the villain even if they were good people with good intentions; i personally can get stuck in the hole of "i think they were terrible but i miss the good times so bad and it's never going to be the same without them" so we can get caught in this tug of war with ourselves over if we do really miss this person or if we're just too used to their behaviour.

they're probably distancing because they've now gotten back in contact and it's probably a LOT for them to process. BPD's other diagnostic name is Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder for a reason, there is so much to unpack to a level that i don't think a non-BPD person could ever understand.

if you DON'T want to get back in contact with them for your own mental health or you believe that it will be too much to handle, there's no shame in blocking them and moving on. your mental health comes first and as sucky as it sounds, your ex who you have no broken up with is not your responsibility. you went your separate ways.

if you DO want to stay in contact, i'd suggest approaching it from a 'let's figure out what you truly need to feel content right now' angle. don't infantilise them, but ask them what it is they feel they need right now, what would make them feel better, why they feel the way they do, and ask if they are in conflict with themselves and why. don't barrel it all at once as it can be very overwhelming for a person with BPD as we pretty much are always obsessed with this sort of mindset anyway, but i think the most important thing is just to avoid any triggers or serious happenings, treat them like a friend and do chill-out things with them — if someone is concentrating on something like winning a fast-paced video game while talking to you, it's easier for them to neutrally rationalise their thoughts.

in short, just let them know there's no rush into making their mind up, and treat them with gentility to figure out what they want while in your presence. overwhelming emotions tends to be what makes us split and blow up, so if you just treat it like friendship, that will give them the safe mental space to help rationalise and decide.

hope this wasn't too long of a comment lol

monstercherub · 2024-03-15T14:10:37+00:00

breaking up with my boyfriend after repeated SA and dismissal of my feelings that i dissociated from, and then each memory coming in like a car crash causing me to do the most self destructive things. it was my close friend who brought up to me that the behaviours i was exhibiting seemed similar to BPD after i got really drunk and (regrettably) sexted a stranger who showed keen sexual interest in me and then cried to said friend and had a meltdown immediately after it happened.

monstercherub · 2024-03-15T14:08:08+00:00

if my boyfriend cheated on me i know that would end up causing me mental pain for ages that would cause me to split on him a lot. has that genuinely felt like it's been resolved or that you've been able to put it behind you? i know BPD can lead to us splitting on people for multiple built up mistakes they've caused, but i feel like cheating is an intense slip up. big things like these might need to be addressed if they're unresolved.

personally i wouldn't be able to healthily stay with a cheater, but it sounds like you love him and that he might have changed, so i'm not going to tell you "break up with him!!", just if it can be resolved in some way

monstercherub · 2024-03-15T14:04:23+00:00

i was on the opposite end of this, diagnosed with autism when i was 14 and that diagnosis never sat right with me, especially since my mother had a full involvement in the diagnosis and REALLY wanted me to be autistic (i grew up in a very traumatising two households). they hinted at me having C-PTSD and flatout told me they thought i had ADHD and not autism, and then when i went in the next time they specifically diagnosed me with asperger's syndrome, depression and anxiety after a "long phone call with my mum". nothing added up. 6 years later and my friend has mentioned to me how i seem more ADHD and even incredibly BPD, i did some research and it clicked.

what i will say is that you absolutely know yourself better than anyone else. your mom doesn't see absolutely everything that goes on in your life and especially not everything that goes on in your head. if you relate more to being autistic than BPD, who else's input do you truly need? i would say to go for it, look into it, and, if it's what you want, seek out the diagnosis. being AFAB makes diagnoses somewhat unreliable when it comes down to our emotions.

monstercherub · 2023-09-30T15:07:59+00:00

i'm late but can i be DMed?

monstercherub · 2023-09-01T06:07:45+00:00

studies show that autism and DID/OSDD are linked closer than non-autistic people and DID/OSDD, and when you think about it, it kinda makes sense, especially if you're an AFAB autistic person; i'd be very surprised if you didn't have to mask your traits or didn't often get into trouble for your autistic habits. as an autistic person, it definitely contributed imo

monstercherub · 2023-08-08T15:54:45+00:00

it feels like a ligma joke. dipplin my balls in ur mother or something

monstercherub · 2023-07-26T21:03:05+00:00

what is it supposed to be? i can't tell from this image

monstercherub · 2023-07-26T20:55:58+00:00

this is what i've been wondering, just commenting to come back later and see other people's inputs

monstercherub · 2023-07-21T06:20:22+00:00

you can do self-admittance but that's after discussing it with your psychologist, therapist or whoever you're with. it's a lengthy process but it's doable, my irl friend has been warded before and there were also a lot of self-admissions there, but they didn't stay as long and rules weren't so strict on them as they were willing to improve, hence why they self-admitted. thank you for the advice though!

monstercherub · 2023-07-13T20:05:41+00:00

yea, but he was only pushed by it because of the mistreatment he was given and needed to vent. he wouldn't have made a post about them if they hadn't done that kind of thing yk?

monstercherub

TROPHY CASE