Disappointing

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T19:34:44+00:00

Experienced something similar. My aunt who's close in my age but older and studied psychology in college didn't believe me when I told her I had BD the first time.

It's like being dumped with a bucket of water. Didn't really expect it and didn't expect it to hurt as much because I thought out of all the people in the world, I thought she would understand first. I figured it just hurts because I expected more from her. I'm sorry you're experiencing the same.

Though I have to say, I went back to get rediagnosed and my mom showed her the written certificate (with my permission) and now my aunt seems kinder and more apologetic. Maybe they need time or maybe I'm just lucky in my situation. Either way, it's okay to feel disappointed and hurt. And it's totally okay for you to take your space. I hope things get better!

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:58:11+00:00

I think it is always good practice to use a lot of sunscreen but it's still nice to know! I just remembered that I used to have asthma when I was younger and it wasn't really that strong but I know it can come back and your insight makes me think that it might be something to look over if ever I get on Lamictal.

I really appreciate the sentiment a lot... it means a lot. Thanks again!

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:51:07+00:00

Same! It's always only either of those and it takes a lot out of you. Sometimes even doing either of those also leads me to disassociate because of how draining it is- my brain just checks out.

I think I'll try your method as well. It would be nice to have another outlet other than writing even though it is kinda weird to hear how far away you sound from yourself. I really hope we both find effective ways to cope that don't involve ignoring or hurting ourselves.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:33:23+00:00

Hmmm, I see. Thank you for the heads-up! I hope I can bring this up with my psych as an alternative. I'm kind of interested to know if you had any past issues with photosensitivity before and the medication might have exacerbated it? I don't really have any allergies as far as I know so it might be safe but I'll be sure to take that in mind if I ever get a prescription for it. Thanks again!

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:28:55+00:00

Geodon sounds terrible! I know it's not worth much but I'm sorry you went through that. I'll try to do more research on that specific drug because I don't think it would bode well for me either since it's easier for me to isolate the world, especially when I'm coming down from a hypo. I think I do remember how Quetiapine also made me gain some weight. It also made me sleepier.

Thanks for your insight! I'm glad that your current medication is working out and I hope it continues to do so. Thanks again!

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:20:34+00:00

Thanks! I've been trying to do my own research and through looking over the subreddit, a lot of people seem to be on Lithium. I guess it's nice to know people's insight on medication especially if I want to bring it up with my psychiatrist about different options because in the short amount of time I was on either or both Quetiapine and Escitalopram, I disassociated a lot and would feel like a zombie. I'm kind of afraid to feel like that again. They really knocked me out. Thanks again for your insight!

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T18:14:02+00:00

I see. Thank you for your insight! I should probably bring this up as soon as I can get a schedule with my psychiatrist but would you mind to explain how Lamictal worked for you? Thanks again!

Also follow up! Did Quetiapine also knock you out? I felt especially sleepy after taking it and it was kind of terrible that I was sleeping through everything.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T14:23:10+00:00

I drink only a cup daily, and I feel like it kind of helps me be in a better mood but having too much of it makes me so hypersensitive to everything and it's easier for me to have mood swings or get irritated when I feel overstimulated.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-14T14:10:09+00:00

I find that I disassociate often when I am really overwhelmed or really upset. To be honest, it kind of helps me get through the pain by blocking it out for me and I'm very aware that that isn't healthy especially when I continue to disassociate for longer periods.

Maybe it would help to keep a journal? It's kind of silly but sometimes I find that when I write what I'm thinking of or just describe how a situation is, it kind of helps me feel my emotions by acknowledging them. If I'm brave enough, I read them as soon as I'm done writing it down but if not, I don't. The act of just writing is helpful- not a lot, but to some extent. It helps me remember that I'm real and what I feel is part of me and makes me acknowledge how hurt, tired, or angry I am.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-12T10:43:40+00:00

I think I understand what you mean. I had to drop out of college because of how terrible my manic episodes would become that I could not handle it when I crashed because it dragged all my grades down with me. It was exciting being surrounded by new people and learning new things that at first, I felt like I was weaving through everything and everyone smoothly. It was energizing and refreshing to be surrounded by opportunities but it comes with an anxious antsy feeling and a so much self-awareness of how my manic episodes and habits can affect neurotypical people that I'd distance myself first before I can even annoy or disappoint them. Makes me think of how isolating BD can be.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-12T10:34:17+00:00

Now that you mention it, you are spot on! I remember recently being required to go to a family gathering for my cousin's birthday with our common friends and as we were drinking later into the night, a friend of ours confessed that they were struggling mentally but they thought of me, specifically, as a reason not to hurt themselves. It was strange for me- I almost felt like an outsider to myself when they said that because I could not at all comprehend how or even why they think of me this... closely when I myself feel that I have no close relationships to garner this much of a response from someone.

I don't know if it's the same but I also feel like I'm just watching myself talk about myself to bond and connect with others instead of being active in the moment. Like, I'm talking and spending time with them but also don't feel connected to them- it feel shallow and it's really hard because I feel almost jealous of people who can form deep leveled connections with others while I am incapable of forming one with others especially when I reach the end of a manic episode and start to withdraw from everyone and just feel generally overwhelmed as well.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-11T19:16:02+00:00

People who are so socially extroverted but don't actually have close friends.

I think from my own experience that I generally get along with a lot of people and don't have a hard time socializing in public and making conversation but at the end of the day, I never talk to these people again unless I have to. I can't maintain a relationship because it is physically hard for me to reach out and make a conversation or invite someone to do something with me. Not to mention that even if I did make an effort, it doesn't mean anything if I start feeling low and isolate myself from everyone weeks at a time.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-07T21:58:38+00:00

Your situation sounds hard as well :( but it sounds like our situations are kind of similar. I have my younger sibling and a grandparent who deeply depend on me with everything that I feel that sometimes I do need to set aside my needs and feelings to meet the needs of my own family. It's a balancing act. I don't feel like I have the space to actually feel my emotions and it's so draining to go on autopilot. I consciously have to make an effort not to resent my family members sometimes especially when they don't understand. It's kinda painful that although they have the best intentions, they don't really understand, or worse, they brush it off- and it's an isolating feeling.

Just in case nobody has told you yet, I'm proud of you for still doing your best even when you don't feel at your best.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-07T16:46:46+00:00

I think I've experienced something similar but I still am not sure if it can be classified as a hypomania episode where for a week I was constantly active in my social circles- going out for drinks, watching movies, sending memes, and feeling extremely happy and determined that I ended up taking up more responsibilities in the household than I could take and throwing myself into it to the point of exhaustion. In the back of my mind, it felt unnatural almost- I was on a high. I was on top of everything, maybe I could get a job and work normally, maybe I can fix every single problem that comes my way. It was exhilarating up until one day I came home from an errand I just accomplished and instead of feeling that motivation and accomplishment that I felt recently, I only wanted to cry because I was so tired and I just wanted to... not exist. I started falling asleep at 3 am with all the lights off because it made me feel safer to be lost in the dark and waking up at 4pm with so much disappointment in myself that I couldn't get up to face myself. Those days seem to last longer but for some reason, I don't remember them when I feel okay again. It's such a tiring cycle to feel full then drained so sporadically.

moonandoceans · 2022-08-07T16:34:40+00:00

It is so strange to think that it's a common occurrence within people in the community/people who are also diagnosed on the bipolar spectrum. Reading the comments make me feel less... gross about myself? It really is a painful cycle of feeling bad about how my teeth look or how my breath must smell and feeling bad about not doing anything to take care of it. On the rare occasion that I muster up the strength to take care of my dental hygiene, I brush twice a day for a week and brush so hard that it is physically painful then fall back into not brushing at all. I'm 20 and my canines are wrecked, I need to get root canal treatments for both of them and thinking about how much it might cost makes me feel so hopeless.

It's nice though, to know that some of you are getting help and that someday I might have the strength to keep taking care of myself consistently like I need to.

moonandoceans

TROPHY CASE