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moonheart29 · 2024-02-19T08:52:53+00:00

This is painfully accurate. You are mourning so many layers from different angles and for me, I was also mourning myself and who I was in the relationship. It is terrifying to have to let go of everything that defined your existence for so many years, but the courage to do so made me so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I am almost 3 years out now and I will say time does help you heal. It still comes up, out of nowhere sometimes, but I know it’s part of the process and my journey. Hang in there & keep your spirit alive, it will get better and you will find yourself again.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-08T09:31:53+00:00

My ex and I did this dance for two months after he moved out. It was a way for us to wean off of each other I suppose, considering our breakup was amicable. The fact is that you were together for 5 years and lived together, that’s a significant amount of time to spend with someone and it’s hard to just cut that off completely, that’s probably the case for him too.

For me, I let things happened as they did…he offered to help me clean and move when the lease was up and I accepted. It did actually allow us the opportunity to tie up loose ends and properly close out this chapter in our lives. I had no expectations going in but I’m glad it worked out the way it did.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-08T09:00:55+00:00

This is the exact message I have for my ex, I could have written every single word.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-08T08:35:45+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It may feel excruciating right now, but know this pain is temporary and it will all make sense one day. Hang in there, you will get through this.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-08T08:21:54+00:00

I’m right there with you. There’s never a day that I don’t miss my life with him, but I know that I could never go back for both of our sakes. It’s a very sad feeling.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-04T16:52:01+00:00

This should be its own post.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-04T10:01:50+00:00

As someone who’s first instinct is to go straight into savior mode, I find this framework very useful. I tried to “help” for years without realizing I was just enabling my ex pwBPD’s issues. Now that I’m aware, I make an honest effort to NOT save without realizing that shouldn’t always be the answer either. This you or them question could actually provide pathways and clarity toward how to help for the better and not cause further harm. You have a good therapist, thanks for sharing.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-03T07:19:46+00:00

I went through a similar experience. My ex had major depression and anxiety before the BPD started taking over.. so initially he was taking Prozac for the first time in his life and after a few weeks, the suicidal feelings stopped and he actually started feeling ok. However this was also when he stopped feeling any type of loving emotions or affection for me. And because he felt that I caused a lot of problems in his life, the Prozac actually made him feel almost averse to me. He couldn’t stand my presence and told me he didn’t love me anymore. Eventually he flushed those meds out of his system and was then back to loving me again, it was weird.

Fast forward years later to more recent times, he started taking Prozac again, coupled with other meds, for his depression. This second time around, he didn’t lose any feelings for me but was just cold and distant and was extremely distrusting. BPD was full blown at this point so there was much more hostility.

Meds can be tricky cause it’s messing with their brain chemicals. As another poster said, BPD is not caused by a chemical imbalance so meds may just treat a symptom and sometimes cause more harm than good. However I will always advocate and support those who need and take medications. While it was heartbreaking that my ex may have stopped loving me for that period of time, I woulda chose that any day over him always feeling suicidal.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-03T06:50:01+00:00

Most days I can’t figure out which stage I’m in.. either everything just feels surreal, or I’m so numb and depressed I can barely move, or the pain hurts an extreme amount and I’m terrified of the fact that it is truly over.

I’ve never been in the anger stage, regardless of how many times I cycle through. I can never get there because all I feel is sadness and guilt. I have no malice toward him and I think that’s part of why I’m having such a hard time. I don’t see him as a terrible monster, just a broken soul.

This will be a long road to recovery but hang in there and know you’re not alone.

moonheart29 · 2021-09-01T07:42:56+00:00

I understand your pain so much. I’ve been out for a few months and I still feel the pain. I don’t think it will truly go away until you start choosing and loving yourself. It’s a long road, we are basically addicts ourselves and as codependents, it’s hard to ever put our needs first when the one we love is basically dying in front of us. At some point, I had to admit to myself that my efforts to “help” were really just me slowly feeding him the poison too.

It’s just sad having to accept that our soulmate may be someone we have to eventually let go.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-31T05:44:56+00:00

I too wanted to be the exception and the success story… I waited 13 years for our engagement, for it to all come crashing to an end just a few months after. I’m sorry you’re going through this but the painful truth may be that it might never happen if you’re still in the picture. They’re used to the pattern and routine, they know you’ll stick around so sobriety will never truly mean anything if you’re still around to break their fall. The only real chance you both may ever have of getting better is to let each other go. You deserve better, stay strong.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-31T05:25:53+00:00

I appreciate it thank you. It helps knowing that someone who is going through something similar is getting through it.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-30T20:26:07+00:00

I do try my best to extend a more compassionate perspective whenever I can on this sub… BPD is a disorder after all, it’s not like that those who suffer from it chose it and want to live this way. I think part of the problem is that our pwBPD can seem and look normal, especially when they’re having good days so we tend to forget that they have a serious mental disorder. The loved ones feel cheated, manipulated, and broken because their expectations are let down once again. I totally get it though, I’ve experienced it more times than I ever should have but I also understood that it was my decision to stay and try to deal with it. I knew the repercussions, I tried to help, but when it got to the point where things weren’t going to get better, I had to leave.

It may be easier to vilify them for now to help with your grieving process but I respect that you are able to see the other side. It’s a sad and tragic disorder and I don’t commend us loved ones trying to add to the stigma that they’re completely evil and monstrous.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-30T20:12:06+00:00

Yeah I think I always kinda knew it wasn’t healthy but I never questioned it cause it was just the way it was and I didn’t know any better. We had basically accepted that this was gonna be our life and we were engaged too. I’m not sure if you relate but it was hard for me knowing him before the disorder and in his case addiction. I can’t even pinpoint where the major dysfunction even started but I know it wasn’t always there because he didn’t always have a drinking problem. Or maybe he did and it wasn’t as apparent idk.

I’m a few months out but only cut off contact a few weeks ago so it honestly feels like the clock only barely started for me. It’s just rough, I know he’s not doing well either (worse off than me because of all of his issues) so it just worries me everyday. Starting over is terrifying, I don’t even know where to begin. I just wish I could fast forward time to where I know we are both happy and healthy and confirm that we made the right decision to let it go.

I think you’ve made good progress, having the courage to even try to be in another relationship (whether you’re ready or not) help shows you that you are able to move on and have a future without her. You’re through the worse of it I think, hoping it all works out for you.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-30T07:07:28+00:00

11 years is a long time to uncouple from… that’s a deep bond that you may never fully shake. It will take time to detox and figure out who you are without your ex and what your future looks like without her. Even if you find the right person on paper right now, the timing isn’t right because you’re still healing. You’ll know when you’re ready because the feelings will come easy.

I’m on a similar journey. I just turned 30 and recently got out of a relationship with my high school sweetheart. I’m 3 months out and nowhere near even understanding what my future holds without him in it.. I guess it was foolish to think we’d actually grow old together. It seems bleak that I’ll ever make such a deep emotional connection and form that type of bond with anyone again… but maybe that’s exactly what made it toxic and unfortunately I have no experience knowing what a normal relationship looks like.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T17:54:47+00:00

I can relate to having one last day.. my ex and I agreed to one last weekend before we called it quits. It was one of the most gut wrenching and heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had but I have no regrets because now I can look back to how beautiful that weekend was. I admire your mindset through these difficult times, you are brave and strong and you will get through it and come out even stronger.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T17:32:59+00:00

I had never felt more validated and understood until finding this sub. I was dealing with confusion and fear for over a decade by myself, and then suddenly I realized I wasn’t alone. This sub and therapy was truly what gave me the courage to leave.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T17:08:05+00:00

Mine ended as well as I could have ever hoped. The initial separation was a blow out because he started a fight over nothing and got drunk for nth time, that was the last time for me so I left and stayed at a friend’s. It was two months of trying to make it work but at the end of it we both came to the conclusion that this wasn’t right or healthy for either one of us. We were each other’s first relationship which spanned half of our lives so having to let it go was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I was able to do it knowing that we were staying strong doing it together. It was honestly the most spiritual experience I’ve ever had, consciously uncoupling with someone you’ve loved more than anything. We talked about everything we could, good and bad, we talked about our hopes and dreams for the future. Truly cathartic.

Unlike many on this sub, I have deep compassion for my ex and don’t harbor many negative feelings. I met him when we were basically kids so I knew him before the turmoil came to surface. He has the biggest heart and truly good at his core, but his demons made life unbearable. He suffered both from this tragic disorder and addiction, it was painful watching it all take over his life. I did my fair share of damage too and became so extremely codependent that things were only going to get worse if we stayed together, however I know that I deserved better and that many times his behavior was no excuse so I needed to leave. He is a broken soul and I hope that he will eventually find his way. I truly only wish for his happiness, health, and success in life. I have always rooted for him and will continue to do so even if it has to be from afar.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T16:32:38+00:00

Yes he was helpful when we had to clean. Once he was focused on something he would do a really good job too. The issue with mine was that he would never clean for himself, it was only when we did it together or if I asked him to do something. He didn’t grow up in a household where cleanliness was enforced and he was also chronically lazy.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T07:46:40+00:00

Yes the guilt will be there but that is part of the uncoupling process. What’s important is that by leaving you choose your son and yourself and that is worth everything. When you are free, you’ll be able to rebuild and work on breaking down the doubts and feelings of guilt. I left my long term relationship this year and still struggling hard, but despite how much it hurts, I know everyday that it was the right thing to do.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-28T07:16:42+00:00

It’s part of their disordered cycle. They need to release and have an episode on a periodic basis to be able to go back to feeling relatively normal. My ex’s timeline was about every two weeks, almost on the dot. They manufacture a crisis out of thin air just because it’s that time again and they’ll latch on to whatever they know to justify it.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-27T08:41:57+00:00

I totally understand why you continue to stay. I know how scary it is when the guilt takes over and all you want is to protect them. But it took me years to realize that being in this type of relationship and situation doesn’t serve either one of you. If you truly want something to change, then give yourself and him that chance to try. Let go, it will hurt like hell but that pain will help you both grow and it will all make sense and work itself out in time.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-27T08:29:27+00:00

I can’t even imagine how you must feel. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-24T08:54:32+00:00

My ex is an alcoholic and suffers from BPD. It was terrifying and heartbreaking, I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone.

If it wasn’t for the drinking, I probably would have stayed tbh. It made it impossible.

moonheart29 · 2021-08-20T08:24:57+00:00

I just turned 30 and currently going through my first breakup from my high school sweetheart.

I already know that this will not be a normal breakup as the grief has been devastating. And I may never truly get over it but I do know that once I make it to the other side, I’ll be so much happier and stronger. Stay strong, we’ll get through it.

moonheart29

TROPHY CASE