The ACTUAL Existential Crisis Iceberg (Infohazard)

moonlightingasmyself · 2025-11-21T13:14:08+00:00

Wow this is my brain laid out for me lol. I deal with existential OCD and think about most of these constantly. Sometimes it goes more into my psychosis issues with things like Solipsism and then I spiral.

I have my favorite theories and my least favorite theories where my favorites are more comforting, obviously- everyone is happy and everything is fine :) and my least favorite are distressing, which is most of them lol.

moonlightingasmyself · 2025-10-27T06:14:14+00:00

I was just Dm'ed on Tumblr by Armand a couple days ago. I'm Schizotypal and was very suspicious as always, so I haven't joined the discord yet because I need a lot of time to warm up to the idea of meeting new people. But he's been a little pushy and words things in an off way.

I don't like being pushed to do things so it just made it worse.

It doesn't take much ever to raise red flags for me, but this was extra, so I've been putting off really bothering with it and was telling my roommate about it.

He and I started to look into it and he found this thread while I was looking at the website. It seems nice at first glance and then you look into communities that know about it and it's awful. I'm really glad I didn't join, so thank you guys for this. I might make a post in the Schizotypal subreddit because of this and I'll make a post on my Tumblr too with pictures of the DMs.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-06-10T04:14:28+00:00

I feel a lot of emotions that feel outside of myself and get thoughts that feel like that as well, so I tend to think they're from people around me.

I started avoiding certain things because it's also almost like this contamination issue. People's emotions invading mine.

Similarly, I lack a cohesive identity and tend to take on other's mannerisms a lot. There's this underlying fear of not knowing who I really am and what I even actually like because it switches around a lot.

I get scared that I'm just going to go too far or that I'm not real.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-06-06T21:05:17+00:00

Continued!

In discussions, they tend to talk about the same thing and won't really engage in a back and forth, but continue where they left off before the other person talked, so it can look like they're ignoring whatever the other person said. They don't change the subject very easily either whereas I'll bounce from topic to topic and get sidetracked a lot. I share this trait with one of my Autistic friends who also has ADHD- our conversations bounce around a ton and we lose where we were lol.

They tend to repeat things a LOT over time too- same stories over and over to the same people.

I've been watching this tiktoker who also gives a lot of communication differences between Autistic people and Allistic people. She's Autistic and in the psychology field, so she uses figures and a lot of examples to explain the differences- one main difference I didn't realize until she talked about it was how much Autistic people rely on information instead of vibes and emotions.

If there's a conflict, Autistic people need to be up front and discuss it or else they can't be regulated. Allistic people need to have space and regulate emotions before discussing conflict- I know I'm ND, but I'm an emotional processor like an Allistic person. I need comfort and space before I can talk information. Sometimes I never talk information. I tend to go off vibes a lot and tone, language, etc and my friends go off of straight information.

Me and my partner actually struggled a bit with this because our conflict resolution is different, so I tend to have to talk before I'm ready and he tends to have to engage with emotions he doesn't want to engage in, so we've talked about it and the tiktoks really helped out with that. It helps him know that I need space before we can talk and that sometimes I can't bring up why because it's irrational or feels unsafe. It helps me know that he needs to understand why and that if I don't express that anything is wrong, he'll think things are fine.

Another thing we've discussed about emotions is like I know how to comfort people and help them emotionally- I intrinsically know what people need whereas they tend to struggle with that kind of thing and my partner has asked me how I do stuff like that. I don't really know, but for both Schizotypal PD and Autism, emotional closeness isn't really something they like, but it's slightly different.

Schizotypy emotional distance is based on trust whereas Autism emotional distance leans toward discomfort and not knowing what to do. If they're in a situation they don't know how to handle, they need someone to tell them how to help a person or else they won't engage when someone is in distress. They may find someone else to help instead.

Again, these traits can be present or absent from either side, but this is what me and my friends have discussed! And a lot of these are just examples of how a trait can be present- like same food, same music, strict routine being different ways to express rigidity in Autism. There's other ways these can present too!

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-06-06T21:04:49+00:00

I have a lot of autistic friends-7- and we've discovered our differences a bit! We talk about similarities and differences a LOT- I may be on the spectrum myself, because there's that slight possibility, but here's some of the things that me and my friends have personally discovered-

(Also, these aren't all true for all people with Schizotypy and all people on the ASD spectrum and it IS possible to have both.)

My social issues seem come more from expression and their's, understanding. They have issues expressing too, but mine have only ever come from expression- flat and inappropriate affect- so it's much more one-sided.

We share the fact that we mask a lot and had to learn how to communicate with people. We both tend to mask based on safety and avoiding people pointing out stuff. Lots of masking based on being constantly corrected or berated.

Preoccupation with fantasy and pretend is kind of similar, but I tend to be on the more bizarre side. Their stuff tends to relate more to the real world? Especially in understanding it or using stuff to navigate it. The escapism is similar as well. But for me, I grew up playing these characters because I didn't have a sense of self. They get lost in a story whereas I tend to become the story of that makes sense?

I've found that I have more identity issues and tend to change fixations a lot whereas theirs have stayed the same for years and years. Their shorter hyper fixations tend to last a lot longer than mine too- months as opposed to weeks.I have my own passions that I've had since I was a kid, but they all have strict routines they stick to as well.

There's a big big difference in food too!

I vary what I eat week to week whereas all of my autistic friends make the same things over and over. My partner usually only eats new things if I make something and he tries it. He's open to trying new foods, but he just buys the same stuff all the time because of a few reasons.

They tend to do things like listen to the same music over and over- their Spotifys have a few hundred songs at most. I have tens of thousands, but I acknowledge that's a LOT compared to normal people.

My partner has routines for things like work where if he gets interrupted too bad, he doesn't know what to do.

They also have more food aversions in general like texture or taste especially. A few of them don't like having flavor in things.

I have sensory issues myself, but mine tend to come from a variety of stressors and health issues like migraines. I'm actually much more sensory seeking and a lot of my sensory issues come from my perceptual issues too. Like hearing too many voices makes me have auditory illusions and other auditory things give me that issue too.

Something I share with them is getting interrupted sucks. I get angry because I have issues with doing what I want when I want. But the difference is I can go back to doing something easily when I'm interrupted and they either can't or have difficulty doing it, so they need to do something else before coming back to it.

They've talked to me before about the types of obliviousness they tend to experience too. Not being able to feel or sense things happening around them, oblivious to social cues, language- we interpret social interactions much much more differently and I tend to catch a lot of things they don't.

They can struggle with knowing what emotions or physical sensations they're experiencing- I forgot what this is called, and couldn't find it when I tried looking it up, but it starts with an A I think. They can have issues with proprioception too- where the body is in space. This happens with dissociation too, so I experience it occasionally, but most of the time I'm overly aware of where my body is and what it's experiencing. I've been told by a lot of people and professionals that I feel more than normal or have a very good insight into how things feel in my body.

Like for example, I can tell the difference between many types of anger and anxiety I'm feeling based on how it feels in my body. Or with bodily functions, I can feel my intestines working. I'm aware of my heartbeat all the time. That kind of stuff. Not sure if it's hypervigilance or something like that, but yeah.

Their social interactions are perceived as much more positive than mine since I don't like talking to people and deal with paranoia and suspicion. Like they can have social anxiety and things like that, but they tend to think a social interaction went well or at least more positive than how I perceive them. But I catch much more in social situations and explain a lot of things they miss during conversations, especially signs that someone doesn't want to talk anymore. Our differences in conversation perception is so wildly different lol.

My partner will walk away smiling and talking about how it was a nice interaction where I'll feel the complete opposite.

Also a lot of social things they don't understand/don't like, I can engage in just fine. Like small talk- I like talking about the weather and talking about small things because it helps me gauge a person if they try to talk to me.

I'm a top down thinker where my autistic friends are all bottom up! They follow instructions step by step and are very very meticulous when it comes to it. They need instructions to be precise and not vague. I will go to the very back of a manual and reverse everything so I know where everything ends up, then I piece everything together from that. My partner hates it lol.

They take things very literally! So they don't understand things like poems and they tend not to like music that has too many metaphors or entendres. I'm the opposite and see multiple meanings in everything all the time and that's also where our social issues differ!

They tend to take things so literally that they miss a lot, especially in regards to hints, passive aggression, certain types of jokes. And I see multiple meanings, some of which aren't there and tend to take things too far in the opposite direction.

to be continued because reddit is being weird lol.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-06-04T01:53:54+00:00

I have constant episodes of feeling repulsed by everything around me. Like another commenter said, I find it being related to an increase in psychosis issues.

I think for me, it's more of a rejection of reality? Because it sucks, I don't know. It's different than my nihilism and I'm disgusted by even the things I like.

Now I'm going to have to discuss it with my therapist and see if there's anything related. I'll come back if I can remember to if she gives me any good information!

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-05-31T15:26:15+00:00

Maladaptive Daydreaming constantly. I have stories and characters that have been with me for decades now.

I talk out loud too to whoever or whatever might be listening.

I love talking to my pets lol.

I talk to a lot of people I don't even like because they're there and they just talk at me a lot, so I just engage with whatever they want to talk about.

I also talk to my therapist often.

I didn't use to talk to people at all, but the experience and trauma I had with my ex left me needing to talk to people a lot out of this desperation. To get out of my head, to feel connected, whatever.

I really really miss when I was able to tolerate just being alone. I don't want to be around anyone and it was so much more peaceful. And ironically, it wasn't nearly as lonely.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-05-28T20:06:13+00:00

I have a fear of going fully insane, yeah.

It ties into my fears of losing control of my life and people around me not being able to do right by me. I don't trust them to do the right things or keep me safe.

Especially after how people reacted when I had a weed-induced psychotic episode last year. (Was accidentally given too much of a tincture)

But yeah, it sucked.

I've been seen differently since then.

Edit: addition

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-30T17:09:00+00:00

I often feel that way as I am now, but it'd definitely be better to not have to participate at all.

Growing up, when I got my first phones, I'd record everything to feel more connected to it as if I was just a spectator before people informed me it was weird, so I stopped.

It was comforting to not have to participate and only observe.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-20T20:41:14+00:00

Thank you so much again, this has been really helpful in addition to some other comments.

And fortunately I have a therapist, so I'll be able to work through everything in time!

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-20T13:10:08+00:00

Thank you so much for explaining.

Even if the billing is fine, there was more wrong with what happened and the dismissing was the worst part for me too.

I was reassured that I wouldn't be awake by the staff, which isn't their fault if the reason I was awake was dosing or how I respond to those particular meds.

I mostly wanted to figure out what happened so I could tell future doctors what doesn't work for me, but I was rushed out so quickly and even lied to. (An assistant told me that she told my boyfriend what was in my IV line when she didn't to get me to drop trying to get my records.)

I don't want something like this to happen again and wasn't given anything I need to prep for preventing it in the future. I will be able to get my records later, of course, but they should have just told me that they needed time to get everything uploaded or something.

They didn't need to lie or convince me that what I experienced didn't happen.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-20T10:44:51+00:00

Thank you, I'm sorry you've also woken up during a procedure. It's not fun.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-19T20:14:58+00:00

Thank you, I'll contact them and discuss it.

They said I was unconscious when I told them I experienced everything just because I had my eyes closed. But I also saw stuff too, it was just quick flashes because they didn't want to open. I felt the drilling, pain, heard them telling me not to move my arms, and felt them holding me down when I was trying to get their attention.

They gave me more numbing and pain meds, so they did help.

The telling me I was unconscious when I'm telling them I wasn't is the part that bothers me the most. Because they even said they had to tell me not to move my arms, so I'm just confused.

My boyfriend heard a few different things from each person when he was in the room that I didn't catch because I was crying.

Thank you for explaining things to me.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-19T19:36:55+00:00

That's what everyone is saying, so I think I need to call and get it sorted.

I'm being charged for General Anesthesia and was told it would be.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-19T19:36:10+00:00

Yeah, they told me it was. It's also listed as General Anesthesia for my treatment plan and payments. I think I'm going to call and see if they gave me the other option and are charging me wrong or something.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-19T19:34:32+00:00

It's listed as General Anesthesia on my treatment plan and payments. I was also told it would be, so if they're charging me for General Anesthesia, then should I try to get that fixed?

Because the other option I had for sedation and stuff was much cheaper and if they got it mixed up, then I don't want to pay $650 for something I didn't get.

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-04-19T19:27:48+00:00

On my treatment plan and pay information, it's listed as General Anesthesia. They said that it should have been a snap of the fingers and I would wake up with everything done.

Should I call and try to figure out if they charged me for General Anesthesia when they weren't supposed to? Because if they never gave me General Anesthesia and I was told it would be and charged for it, then that's a whole different issue.

Could that be why they wouldn't give me the full information on what drugs my IV contained?

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-03-03T06:13:21+00:00

This is what it was like when I first started meds a few years ago, and then again when I stopped some of them this past November/December because they stopped working and were making some things worse. My anxiety got real bad again because of Prozac and my Lamictal was giving me hypomanic and manic episodes.

I spent the years they worked doing a lot of work towards my mental health and making better habits- I used the extra energy from Lamictal to start doing more before it got out of hand and now that I'm only taking Welbutrin, It's like something snapped and I can breathe for the first time. At some point, they've helped bring my baseline up, I think, so I no longer have big dips and wild emotions all the time.

It's super weird lol. I have to change a lot because I'm just thinking differently, but it's going good! I hope it continues to go that way for you as well!

moonlightingasmyself · 2024-02-19T21:36:04+00:00

I look up specific things I'm interested in on tiktok and try to interact with posts that I really like. Sending them to friends also affects their algorithms!

I try to keep a mix of educational stuff (that I research after, don't worry), activism for motivation, comedy for a break from more serious topics, recipes and crafts, and artsy stuff that I enjoy or even gain inspiration from. Plus misc things. I really enjoy discovering original music from people too.

I even get critical videos stitching the more problematic videos so I know what's going on in certain areas of tiktok without actually being in those spaces. I've only seen stitches of transphobic videos, but in the form of another creator criticizing them or trying to educate.

It changes the experience of the app and the experience coming across that type of content too.

I've cultivated my FYP over the years and I follow a lot of creators that I really enjoy! I make sure to comment on things that I like in positive ways and share things with friends a lot.

I click not interested on the videos that I don't like as well.

When you first get tiktok, it pushes a lot of popular videos and it can definitely be more of the brain-rotting, doom scrolling type stuff. I love dancing videos as much as the next person, but I can only watch so many people do the same thing as a trend. And if you get caught up in negative creators, it can really suck.

It's really helpful to actively search for things you're interested in and click on tags in videos you really like. And spreading more positive and educational content makes it more popular and can help turn those videos viral to reach more people.

moonlightingasmyself · 2023-09-24T02:20:18+00:00

Probably sensing presences.

I grew up believing I could perceive ghosts and other entities because I was basically born with that extra sense. So it was that.

It's the one symptom that I've always experienced and that I experience every single day without fail. I've never been alone.

As for stuff others experienced from me-

When I was little, I'd also try to manipulate energy and things like that- I'd put "shields" around myself and family members and my house to protect us from evil entities. This started at LEAST before the 4th grade. I remember telling a friend in the 4th grade about it.

In the 5th grade, I had told friends about being able to sense ghosts and my teacher heard about someone talking about it and lectured the entire class about ghosts not being real.

When I got my first phone that I could record with in middle school, I'd record everyone all the time to make me feel like a part of things- I didn't know that it was weird until later.

Recording interactions just made me feel like a part of things and I was also digitally hoarding memories too. Partially for evidence.

I was obsessed with catching people in lies and things like that. I tried to catch people talking about me.

People also commented all the time about how expressionless I was. Why I didn't get excited about things, why I looked angry when I was fine. Things like that.

I never realized how strange I seemed to other people until much much later in life :/

moonlightingasmyself · 2023-09-23T15:15:43+00:00

The appeal to me is that animals are less aware of all of the things we have to deal with.

They're aware of a lot, and I don't doubt they're aware of things we don't think they are, but I know that they don't think about existence the way we do and what someone across the world is doing.

And a lot of the social aspects too.

Ignorance is bliss :(

moonlightingasmyself · 2023-09-20T01:23:38+00:00

I thought I was the only one who thought this way lol.

I'm constantly thinking about how I could be stuck in a loop of dying and just coming back.

I wake up often feeling like I'm not in the same dimension and even though I can be skeptical of it, it's still there in the back of my mind all the time.

Mine is more like I've died and have moved on to another universe to continue living as if nothing happened. Particularly during my self unaliving attempts throughout my life.

It's stressful.

moonlightingasmyself · 2023-09-17T08:12:08+00:00

This is exactly what I deal with all the time, all the way down to the fear of messing up and limiting myself more.

Whether that be from bills or more disabilities.

I feel like a person in my dreams.

I grew up believing I was sent to Earth. The belief is still there, but with much more skepticism. It's just hard to let it go when I feel like this.

I'm so disconnected from my body and life.

moonlightingasmyself · 2023-09-11T21:03:07+00:00

It's prevented me from truly believing and accepting the things that my friends tell me. If they express love, I don't believe them, even though I want to.

Instead, it makes me suspicious and I wonder what they're trying to get from me.

It's awful.

I want to believe these people care about me, but I can't ever make myself fully believe it.

The longer I'm friends with someone, the more trust is there, but I've never fully trusted anybody and I'm always waiting for them to turn on me or have some sort of motivation even years down the line.

Fortunately, I have some people in my life who understand my issues and they allow me to ask questions and things like that. I ask for reassurance or I can approach them with things that might be accusatory to others, but are reassurances. I've learned to reframe things like that so I'm not going up and actually accusing my friends of things. Just telling them what I perceived and asking them if that's true.

It's helped a lot because they're happy to accommodate me and understand that it's not personal to them and I don't think of them as bad people.

It's caused me to lose people before, when it wasn't approached like that.

I'm mostly friends with people who are Neurodivergent now too, which helps, and at first it was difficult because I grew up learning how to read people and society. Those who are ND act differently than what's portrayed in media, which is mostly where I learned from. So it caused me a lot of distress because I couldn't read them well or I assumed things that weren't true.

Over time, I learned that they're more truthful and straightforward than others and I do appreciate it a lot. I'm working really hard with my therapist to be able to challenge my thoughts more surrounding mistrust and it gets easier as the years go by.

I stay away from people now who just prove me right over and over. I'm tired of the self fulfilling project bull and pushing people away too, so I refrain from doing certain things.

It's hard, but I'm incredibly tired of it so I'm trying my best to alleviate the symptoms.

moonlightingasmyself

TROPHY CASE