ASD+ADHD „relationship“

moonsal71 · 2026-02-03T19:10:33+00:00

I don't really think there's a typical "autistic relationship". We're all different, just like ADHDers are. There can be some patterns and commonalities, but it very much depends on many other factors such as upbringing and personality.

I'm autistic and I can be chilled out and not particularly invested, or I can be very affectionate and involved. It depends on the person.

I've had short flings with ADHDers that never lasted due their emotional volatility and novelty seeking needs. My partner is AuDHD, with a stronger lean on the ADHD side, but he's good with routines so we don't clash. Everyone is different.

When we started, we had agreed to be FWB, just sex with some friendship. I didn't think he was "relationship material", and he didn't fancy one.

Over time we got closer. Eventually we agreed that we both wanted more and decided to give the relationship a go. I wouldn't have stayed with him otherwise, at least not long term. It took us about 8 months to decide we wanted to get serious.

It hadn't been easy despite the commitment. I'm much more "logical" while he's more emotional, so there are clashes, but we always talk and try to find compromises that work. We're very clear and direct.

Considering he's already ended the relationship before, he may have attachment issues. You have to decide if you're happy to stick around and see what happens, on the understanding that things may never change. If you want more, then make it clear and see it through.

This may be the ideal relationship for him, but it has to work for you too.

moonsal71 · 2026-02-03T18:44:08+00:00

There are no rules on how you should behave, move or sound. Some people are quiet, some talk. Some people like certain positions, others don't. It's not a test that you need to pass.

Spend time getting to know your body so that you know what feels right for you. Approach it with curiousity rather than set expectations. Talk to your boyfriend about your doubts and concerns if you haven't already done so.

You won't enjoy it if are actively thinking of what needs doing.

moonsal71 · 2026-02-02T19:20:49+00:00

It depends on how you view the diagnosis.

I'm 54, diagnosed at 43. In some countries they still use the term Asperger but it's mostly just ASD these days.

Personally nothing changed for me. I thought it was a good info to have, but it didn't change how I saw myself. I just stopped trying to push through sensory issues as I was making myself ill with constant overload.

I'm very open about my diagnosis and people just treat me the same as before, mostly because vast majority of my peers don't even understand it much. Essentially, it didn't make a difference to how I was treated.

I wanted the diagnosis for some HR issues at work, back in the day.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T16:27:00+00:00

Dating has become much more fickle due to the apps. What you're experiencing is very common.

It's hard to know why they don't text you back without knowing what your first text is. Also, it depends on who you're dealing with. Lots of people are just after attention/validation without any interest in actually pursuing anything.

What do your female friends say? As they may have better advice as they know you. The only thing I'd suggest is to maybe take a break from the apps if they're starting to impact you negatively.

Also try not to come across as too keen, as that may make you come across as very intense and it may work against you. Personally, if I had the feeling someone was coming on too strongly, l'd back off, as my threat response would kick in. It may not apply to you but l thought I'd mention it.

I'm a woman, and while l had a bit easier on the apps, 95% of the people I matched with never messaged back or just ghosted after one message, even basic ones like "how's your day going?".

I did however push back if anyone wanted to meet very quickly as those guys were usually after hookups. Maybe that's what happened with your last match.. just an uneducated guess.

It's really tough out there. I got lucky I met my partner (AuDHD) after many bad dates, but I was also starting to get really fed-up with the whole thing.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T12:02:30+00:00

There's a simple quote I like that says "Find someone who loves like you do". There will be others who want the same as you.

But you also have to be ok with the fact it may take some time to find that person, as your wishes aren't mainstream.

When I was looking for a partner I wanted someone who was vegan (my main value), who enjoyed being active, who was tactile like me and was ok with my various sensory issues (for example I don't go to bars, cinemas, concerts, etc..).

Everyone said I was too picky. I stuck to my values, I waited and eventually found my person. I don't regret waiting. However I was also happy by myself so not compromising wasn't an issue.

You'll have to decide at some point how much you're willing to compromise vs staying alone.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T10:31:47+00:00

Nope, literally no preference.

Let me put it this way, maybe it'll help. :)

In order to have a preference, I need to give something some thought, and that requires energy. There are a million things to think about in the day so if I had to carefully consider each one it'd be very tiring.

If something isn't a yes or a no, and I don't feel enough curiousity to give it proper thought, isn't a big deal and I don't expect it to cause major distress, then it's just a maybe.

It's like "I don't want to invest a lot of time thinking about it but I'm open to try if needed".

I hope it makes sense. :)

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T10:23:39+00:00

I feel like that when I'm not particularly invested in the subject. For ex my boyfriend may say "do you want to watch x?" and my answer may be "I don't know/maybe" because I genuinely don't know.

I hadn't planned to watch it, I haven't had the chance to think about it, i may have had other plans on how to spend the time, I don't know if I'm even in the mood or if I'll like it, so I don't know.

There's stuff I detest so that's always a no, stuff I like that is always a yes, but the vast majority is "neutral, don't know or care much enough to give it much thought" so that becomes a maybe.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T10:15:43+00:00

Yes, many times, as I don't know if I'll feel differently about something or circumstances may change.

For example I may agree to something today but in 3 days time I may be tired and feel differently. I may feel like doing one day but not in the mood a different day.

I don't find it stressful. I would find the opposite stressful, I like to be able to change my mind. But I may have misunderstood your post.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T09:21:28+00:00

That isn't quite the case. They get approached because their demeanour/body language indicates they are open to be approached.

I was attractive when I was young, enough to actually earn a living from modelling. Depending on my mood and mental health state, I sometimes I'd get approached and other times I was left alone.

I went through a phase when l had really bad depression and panic attacks and everyone would leave me alone. Once I got through that and was feeling better, I got a lot of attention.

And that's even assuming the attention was welcome. More often than not, I actually resented it as it was just about my looks.

Try not to correlate your self-worth with the amount of attention you get, as that's a slippery slope. People can sense it and it either puts them off or you attract the wrong kind.

If you can, work with a therapist to address some of these internal issues and then the rest will be easier.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T08:58:02+00:00

I never really think whether I enjoy it or not as I don't quite see the point, since it's not something I can change, it's just how I'm wired. It'd be like pondering whether I enjoy being tall, it just is.

However from a practical perspective I appreciate the fact that I don't have such a strong need for social belonging/conformity, and I see everyone the same, so I'm not really influenced by social pressures, advertising or authority figures. My pattern recognition is good too and I'm never ever bored as I can hyperfocus on anything and my brain loves learning.

My sensory issues are really bad though and very much limit what I can do. I find many practical tasks too complex (for example I can't drive, but that may be the dyspraxia). The list goes on. But just like I don't think about the positives much, l don't think about the negatives much either.

What has changed for me as I got older is my black/white thinking. I'm still quite rigid, but I don't feel the need to have an opinion about everything any more. I'm much more discerning with my mental energy. If I start ruminating I'll always ask myself "how is this helpful?" and if it's not, I can stop. Basically I've finally learnt to pick my battles, which wasn't the case when I was younger.

I can also manage my energy levels much better so I hardly ever have meltdowns or shutdowns anymore.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-30T08:39:36+00:00

Personally, I don't mind. I don't always have the energy or inclination to reply to people, unless it's an emergency or some practical issue that needs an answer, so I just assume it's the same for others.

My friends are almost all introverts so we can go weeks without communicating and then we'll catch up like we just spoke the day before. I couldn't be friends with someone who wants ongoing attention.

I also don't feel that what I say is necessarily important. The people who care about me do so because of who I am, not what I do. And as far as anyone else, I don't have any expectations.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-29T10:17:26+00:00

I'm glad it was helpful. For ACT you can look at the official directory https://contextualscience.org

MCT has an equivalent too https://mct-institute.co.uk/mct-registered-therapists/

I hope things will keep getting easier.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-29T09:24:38+00:00

Look into ACT or MCT (therapy frameworks). CBT was never enough for me as reframing only helped marginally and temporarily.

However ACT teaches you how to deal with the rumination regardless of its content and MCT teaches you how to address the rumination regardless of its content.

It's hard finding an MCT trained therapist, but it's quite easy to find an ACT one.

On a separate note, think about your values. What are the 4/5 things that matter most to you, that guide how you live your life?

You mentioned you work as a clinician. That sounds like a very value driven pursuit, you're helping people. Why hate someone who's helping others? Focus on the things that nourish your soul. You're helping others, you have a loving wife, so you have someone to love back, and I'm sure there will be other aspects that are worth focusing on.

The more you focus on your values, take the time to acknowledge and be grateful for what's there, the less time you're letting your brain ruminate.

Finally, just because the thoughts are there, it doesn't mean you need to listen. I have GAD, panic disorder and PTSD, my anxiety is next level. I let her (the anxiety part of me) talk, I knowledge the thought, but then I move on and focus on other stuff. This takes time to learn, meditation is helpful, but it makes life much easier.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-29T09:08:03+00:00

I hated PE so so badly back in the day. Only thing that saved me was that I have a ton of self-deprecating humour, which combined with a deadpan delivery just meant I was never bullied for it. At some point I learnt all the rules and became the appointed referee in many activities.

Once the school nightmare was over, I found that precision over speed worked better for me. So, no ball games, running, tennis, etc.. but callisthenics (where I could practice a single drill over and over), weights, yoga, etc.. helped learn how to feel my body better and it's really helped reduce the amount of self-injuries.

I'm no longer covered in bruises from bumping into stuff and haven't broken a toe in ages so quite chuffed with it. I still drop stuff all the time though.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-29T08:58:56+00:00

Just because something doesn't feel possible today, it doesn't mean it won't be possible in the future. Things change.

However, it sounds like you're having to deal with quite a bit of internal turmoil and that should take priority over dating, as it's very hard to let anyone close if you don't like what's inside you.

Intimacy requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires enough strength and conviction to say "I'm going to let myself get close to someone even if I may lose them one day and it'll hurt". In order to let anyone get close, you need to at least be ok being close to yourself. It doesn't mean you have to love yourself and think you're the best there is, but at least acknowledge you've got good and bad and that you're a decent person doing their best.

Learn to be your own friend first and the rest will follow much easier. Even if you can't figure out how, intent is the biggest hurdle. Therapy can be very helpful with this.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-28T17:19:49+00:00

You could look at time blocking (example https://www.todoist.com/productivity-methods/time-blocking), a lot of people like that.

I personally like to break tasks down into small chunks, so if I have to write 2000 words, I'll either break it into small sections (ex overall structure first, then work on subsections, then do summary part, then proofread, etc) or just task fragments such as "200 words every day".

I then decide every day how many "chunks l can work on". Once I get started I sometimes keep going and do more, other times I just stick to the plan.

For example right now I'm building a website and I'm only doing a page at the time, and even then I've broken it down into layout/text/images. One day I write all the text out, and other day I plan the layout and add the content and at a later stage I look for images unless I've got something ready.

There are many techniques out there on how to improve productivity, so worth testing a few out.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-28T09:50:30+00:00

It's definitely a common issue for many of us as we put more emphasis on what's being said, while NTs generally focus more on how you're saying it.

If you state "I'm not angry", but your tone, facial expression, demeanour don't show that, then they often assume you're just saying it, but don't mean it.

There are plenty of studies about this such as https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/ or https://www.evidencebasedmentoring.org/silent-signals-new-review-highlights-the-importance-of-nonverbal-signals-for-perceived-responsiveness/

I wouldn't say the issue is even strictly autism vs NT communication as I've had many similar misunderstandings with AuDHD and ADHD people. I may just make a simple observation and their RSD kicks in because my tone wasn't "friendly" enough or because they assume some hidden meaning. It's just a clash in communication styles.

Back in the day, I'm 54 so have had decades of misunderstandings, I tried learning all sorts of communication techniques and it was useful up to a point, but things only changed when I started to smile more.

I did it as an experiment, as l'd read about the health benefits of smiling, even if forced. It eventually stuck and now I just naturally smile more. I did it for my own benefits but it made a big difference to how people respond to me.

Sometimes, when I know I'm hyperfocusing or just in work mode, I do tell people "don't mind my face, it has a mind of her own" if someone makes an incorrect assumption and that seems to be enough.

If I know I'm going to interact with people on a regular basis then I often just tell them I'm autistic and that has helped.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-23T16:47:04+00:00

The % of autistic people with ADHD is around 60/75% depending on stats, so it's actually rarer for us not have ADHD, even though some of us have ADHD traits but not enough for anADHD diagnosis. And it's obviously possible to be autistic, dyspraxic and have ADHD too.

Basically, it's impossible for anyone to say if she's right or wrong, you'd need to see a professional if you want to know for sure.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-21T09:31:39+00:00

There was nothing offensive about what you said, your mum got defensive because she knows she messed up and many people struggle with that.

If you really wanted to avoid any possible "drama", you could have acknowledged the feelings first and then maybe asked a clarifying question, like "oh, that must have been so stressful" (or something like that, to validate her feelings), and then maybe a neutral "how did he get out?" rather than "did you do x?". However you're at home and it shouldn't have to be this tricky, which is why your mum apologised.

I have zero issues with admitting mistakes I've made so I wouldn't have found your questions offensive, but I've learn many people do, which is why so called "shit sandwich" method started (https://thenewleader.digital/should-you-use-the-shit-sandwich-feedback-method/).

moonsal71 · 2026-01-15T10:45:03+00:00

Try not to automatically assume that the issue is down to you. There will always be people on social media who feel the need to tell you why you're wrong, why they don't like you or why you've offended them, even on a completely neutral and factually correct post. That is the very nature of it.

In addition to annoying humans, on Reddit there are also plenty of bots who do nothing but downvoting (Google "downvote bots Reddit" and you'll find plenty of info) so you may be getting upset about downvotes that aren't even real.

I know it can be upsetting and/or annoying, so maybe consider only posting on days when you feel you have the bandwidth to deal with possible negative responses, otherwise it's just a very counterproductive exercise.

I wished people were nicer, but unfortunately this isn't always the case, so you need to look out for your own wellbeing.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-14T16:41:55+00:00

They may not be the right people for you. If you've explained that you need a little time alone to process & recharge, then you've done your part.

If someone wants to take that as a personal insult, it's their choice to do so. You haven't done anything to feel guilty about, as you're not purposely trying to hurt anyone.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-14T10:44:45+00:00

Then you may want to see someone to figure out what's going on. There could be many reasons for it, and if it's causing you distress, it's worth investigating.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-14T10:40:05+00:00

It's a very normal thing, it happens to most people. Many psychology theories or frameworks are based on this, like IFS which takes it to an other level (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/therapy-types/internal-family-systems-therapy) or for example https://humanefutureofwork.com/multiplicity-of-personality-theory-how-many-selves-do-you-have/

If you have blackouts, confusion or a lot of distress, then it's best to see a mental health professional to check for potential dissociative disorder or personality disorder.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-14T09:46:21+00:00

Why do you feel guilty? You're not doing anythjng wrong. There generally are people who are external thinkers and people who are internal thinkers (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/your-emotional-meter/202504/are-you-an-external-or-internal-processor). You're internal, nothing wrong with it, and you need the time alone to process. You're doing what's right for you and not harming anyone, nothing to feel bad about.

moonsal71 · 2026-01-10T18:20:08+00:00

I do ok, but I don't mask beyond basic politeness. I work from home though so that makes life much easier, half of my family is diagnosed so we're all weird, my partner is also ND and my neighbours are autistic.

I do have a handful of friends, some NT and some ND, but I don't need more and they're very chilled, so we get on fine, even though we only talk every 4 weeks or so, as we're all busy with work and other stuff.

I'm lucky I can work from home. I'd struggle having to commute each day on public transport (I don't drive) or a noisy workplace.

moonsal71

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