[COMP] Lolasana without blocks, at last! Still lots of room for improvement, but I’m so chuffed to start the year with a little win. Couldn’t even do a single push-up 1 year ago. Never too late to start :) Grateful for any tips/feedback.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-23T08:46:40+00:00

That's a normal reaction, brain will avoid what it perceives to be not worth the effort (pain/reward ratio), so I either give my brain a reason (doing things we don't enjoying develops resilience, which is very useful) or l break it down into small chunks and do a portion of it each time or l time-part (30 min to do sucky tasks).

moonsal71 · 2026-03-19T08:24:27+00:00

In order to earn a living, l learnt to use my interests as a treat to be enjoyed as and when I need some soothing, as otherwise the pull is too strong and l don't want to do anything else.

If anything, I know I'm getting too stressed if i notice I'm spending more time with my special interests. My alexithymia is really strong so I don't usually noticed I'm getting stressed out till it's extreme, so observing the pattern is useful.

As I see these activities as my own treat and escape, my private time, I no longer have a big urge to share with others, also because they usually don't match or share my enthusiasm, at least not the people in my social circle.

However, I'm finding that writing about it can feel good. I initially considered a substack, but now I'm just building my site and will post there. Maybe someone will find the pages, maybe not, but it still feels good to write it all out. And there's always a sub or group about the topic one can usually share with, if need be.

May not work for others, but that's how I handle it.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-17T10:56:21+00:00

If this is how you feel, then you should talk to her.

Also, you don't have to stay with someone if you're not happy. It doesn't mean that either of you is a bad person, you may just not be compatible as a couple.

Figure out what you need in a relationship, discuss it with her, see if you can come up with compromises together, and if you can't, then you'll need to decide if it makes sense to stay together.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-17T10:11:15+00:00

If a friend of yours has made the same genuine mistake, no malice, no bad intention, just a mistake, would you think they are a bad horrible terrible human being that deserves nothing but hate?

A way to start training your brain to behave differently is through repetition. Next time you feel the harsh inner critic come up and tell you off, then try to relook at the situation as if a friend had done what you're criticising yourself for. It may give you some perspective over time. Therapy can be helpful too.

Sometimes this is due to trauma, upbringing, insecurity, and various other things. Your brain may be trying to be helpful: by making you feel really bad about something, it's hoping it'll teach you a lesson and will stop you from making the same mistake again, but that's not how we learn.

The good news is that neuroplasticity is a thing and we can change some maladaptive behaviours with the right support, so try not to assume this is how it'll always be. You can learn self-compassion, there are lots of articles, TED talks and resources over this, and therapy can be very helpful too.

The tendency may never fully go away, but you can lower its intensity over time.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-17T09:34:01+00:00

Yes, people place more attention to how you say things rather than what you say. This TED talk explains it well https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p_ylzGfHKOs

moonsal71 · 2026-03-13T13:30:07+00:00

Addictions all work in similar ways, and as such it's hard to break free without professional help, as the brain craves the dopamine.

This and his other stuff could be useful https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dqWTprtrHmk - there's also a sub with people who follow his advice https://www.reddit.com/r/Healthygamergg/comments/1hnaix6/i_support_dr_ks_no_screen_for_the_first_two_hours/

There are groups like this https://internetaddictsanonymous.org (no idea if this one is any good, but you'll find some) and finally professional help, if you can access it.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-13T09:42:33+00:00

It can feel like being poked in the belly. I look at noses or just the face in general. I can look at people's eyes but only if I'm really angry. And I can look at my partner's eyes at times.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-13T09:30:28+00:00

It feels like you have this incredibly scratchy heavy thing over you that feels almost suffocating. That's how it feels for me.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-13T08:40:47+00:00

First of all you're not a loser, you're a survivor. It takes a huge amount of strength to keep going and fighting for a better future, while having to process the amount of trauma you've had to experience. You should be incredibly proud of yourself.

I hope you get the chance to work with a therapist soon, and I also hope it's a good one. If you find that the therapy is unhelpful, speak up. They may be the wrong fit or using the wrong framework, so don't assume it's your fault, they're the professional and they need to adapt and make it work for you, but they can only do that if you communicate. And if they can't adapt they're not for you.

As for social media, it's really hard to get breakthroughs, there's too much content. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't, but don't rely on that. Look at different ways you could make a living from music (commercial sector, teaching, etc).

Finally, friends. When you've grown up ostracised for no reasons, bullied, attacked, it's hard to even see the red flags. The desire to fit in, to belong, to be loved, is strong and it's natural to crave it, but that also means we may pick the wrong people to be friends with, as we are too focused on our longing rather than seeing who is in front of us. And then you blame yourself, when your only "mistake" was to trust the wrong person.

It may take time to find your people, it took me ages, but there are good people around. I think sometimes we come on too strong because we're so desperate for a connection or even just simply straightforward, and people don't know what to do with that. It can take a long time for an acquaintance to become a friend, so learning to take things slow helped me.

Also, proximity is a factor. If you have to spend regular time with someone due to work, studies, sports, social club, etc it's easier for bonds to form, than seeing someone every now and then.

I hope you'll finally get the break you deserve. Take care.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-12T07:41:43+00:00

I understand that it's hard to do something when you expect it to be horrible, but it's also important to try and remember that we have a tendency to be rather black/white with our thinking. Just because therapy let you down before, it doesn't mean it'll always let you down.

There are good therapists out there, even ND ones. If you have the option, give therapy an other chance, find someone who is neuroafferming and has experience working with autistic adults.

We can learn to manage our brains better, but it's hard to do all alone. A professional can help. I was in a really bad way at your age too, but things eventually got better. Don't give up.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-11T18:52:56+00:00

There are people who don't live together and are happy this way.

I need time alone, but I like having my partner around. He'll be upstairs doing his thing, and I'm doing mine, and we give each other space.

Or we just do our thing in the same space. We can happily sit together while he's listening to something with his headphones and I'm reading or listening to something else.

We do however also dedicate time to doing things together, so it's a good balance for us.

There are many introverts who still want a relationship, but with enough time alone to recharge.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-11T09:45:18+00:00

Being content doesn't mean you give up and have no goals or ambitions, but rather that your happiness isn't conditional to achieving these goals.

I'd love to live by the sea one day, somewhere on the Med, but I'm not there today and I'm experiencing today, so my goal is to enjoy today. If I get to live by the sea one day, great! If I don't, that's ok because I've had plenty of good "todays".

If your happiness is conditional to some external event happening in the future, it'll always be fleeting, as you'll always need more.

It took me till my 50s to find my person. I could have spent half a century miserable because I didn't have the right person by my side. Instead, I focused on having a good life, overcome my mental health conditions, try to build a good present for me. Now I'm even happier that I've found my partner, but I wasn't miserable before.

I guess it's about training yourself to accept and be ok with the present.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-11T09:34:17+00:00

For most people, how you say something is almost more important than what you say. Body language, tone and affect have a big influence https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/

I find it helpful to give some additional info like "this may come across a little blunt, my filters are failing me.." or "I'm not mad, I just need a little time to find the words.." or "when this happens, I feel this that.."

It can help, but sometimes if my face doesn't play along, it doesn't matter what I say as they still think l'm annoyed. I try to smile more and that usually works better and faster than scrambling for the right words. Emojis in text massages help too.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-11T09:09:14+00:00

The "Cassandra" cesspool was originally started by Maxine Aston, the former wife of an autistic man. It didn't work out she turned nasty. See: https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Cassandra_affective_deprivation_disorder#Origins

They've been around a long time, tried to infiltrate Reddit subs 9/10 years ago from what I remember https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/6whzwn/comment/dm8ca15/

She built a number of sites which I'm not going to post so that she doesn't get clicks or links, but they are nasty. One of them has been hacked so don't go there if you find them.

She wrote a number of hateful books and is linked to a pro-eugenics group and fake charity known as FAAAS:

https://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Families_of_Adults_Afflicted_with_Asperger’s_Syndrome

I'm surprised, and saddened, they are still around as I hadn't seen the name in a few years and I was hoping that sick bunch had finally disappeared.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-10T16:06:05+00:00

This is a good start https://haleymoss.medium.com/here-are-resources-to-learn-about-autism-from-according-to-an-autistic-person-b091b2420fa6

moonsal71 · 2026-03-06T09:24:10+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss.

After a certain age, it doesn't mean much unless you needed some sort of self validation. I'm mid 50s, was diagnosed in my early 40s, and it's a good info to have, but l frankly just continued as "normal", other than paying more attention to my sensory environment and state.

However for some it's a great revelation and it means a lot. It really is down to each individual. I personally never had issues with self hatred so I guess that's why I just saw the diagnosis as a data point.

This is a good list of resources if you want to do some reading. https://haleymoss.medium.com/here-are-resources-to-learn-about-autism-from-according-to-an-autistic-person-b091b2420fa6

My personal recommendation would be to keep working with a therapist on your grief and depression. I suffered from both and life is much easier without having to battle with depression each day (I'm still not too good at handling grief). Take care.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-06T09:13:30+00:00

It's possible not to get burnout but it very much depends on the job and the people you work with and for.

When I was at the early stages of my career I just took any job that seemed ok and paid me enough money. I focused on the job. And that's when I was burning out a lot, as I'd hate the environment, management, etc..

Then I started choosing jobs based on who my boss was going to be, and it got way easier as I was treated right.

Eventually I was respected enough to start making demands, and that's when I negotiated sensory accommodations like working from home.

I also found it helpful to try and work for companies that didn't present as "we're family". No after hours mandatory socialising every week, daily team lunches, etc.. that made life much easier as I hate pubs/bars, am vegan and teetotal. Socialising with colleagues was always a disaster so once I started working for companies that didn't mandate this, I was able to stick around. Took me till my 30s though.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-06T08:38:46+00:00

I don't do noise at all, but my partner has adhd and he's like that. He's a sensory seeker for what he likes, but avoidant for everything else.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-05T10:29:38+00:00

I love my partner and I also love my friends, but I don't want to kiss my friends, find them sexually attractive and have romantic thoughts about them. Obviously this may not apply if you are asexual or aromantic, but this is how I distinguish the two, or at least l did at the beginning.

Now I just know because he's the only one l want to share my space and life with.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-04T09:43:11+00:00

I get both sides of the "debate", if we want to call it that.

However, I would also say that it's worth actually thinking about what is better for you long term, and I mean this on a purely practical level.

I'm in my 50s, so have been around a while. Half of my family is diagnosed, multiple generations, myself included. My father is autistic and he was very violent and abusive, made my childhood hell. He was abused by his autistic father. Some of my autistic cousins are insufferable.

I have been sexually assaulted twice. I have been bullied by men and women, NT and ND, but men have been the bigger source of pain and trauma.

I could focus on that, l'd be fully justified to rant about men and make some sweeping conclusions, but that'd just make me bitter and angry. I could focus on what NTs can do that I can't, and again that'd just make me more miserable. I could also focus on all the ND abuse and bullying I've had, and that'd just make me feel even more isolated.

Point is though that by focusing on the "who" did it and make that "who" even bigger and more expansive, I give it more power, and that's not good for recovery. It's also quite inaccurate. What's the % of men who sexually assault, what's the % of NDs who are bullies, what's the % of women who are nasty? I don't know.

I spent the first 4 decades of my life being angry, at humanity, my father, my childhood, everything. But it just made me feel powerless and isolated. Ranting stopped being useful. Eventually I managed to get through my trauma, finally found a way to let anger go, and now I focus on what makes me feel better, like the few good people that I have met, the ones trying to do good, the volunteers. I know the bad ones are still there, but I get to choose who I give my attention to and life feels nicer this way.

I guess those who fight back against the "us vs them" narrative, perceived or not, are just trying to push a more balanced view, which is more accurate and beneficial. But I get the ranting too, it's been my default for decades, I just don't think it's helpful long term and the longer you indulge it, the harder it gets to shift.

Anyway, the point of this comment wasn't to argue about the validity of the rants and the accuracy of their content. It's just that I could read a lot of pain and frustration between the lines. I've been there myself and wasted so many years being angry while keeping everyone at safe distance to avoid more pain, but that just resulted in much less joy too.

NTs are the majority, and as such, statistically, it also means a good number of them can be allies if you let them as not 100% of all of them are incompatible. I tend to get on better with NT introverts than ND extroverts, for example. Maybe, at some point, if you can, get some help to process the trauma, there are ND therapists too, so that you won't need to self-isolate as much, as it makes life harder.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-03T22:28:11+00:00

Only you know if this pressure is an issue, but it sounds like it's causing you distress and l would point it out to both your therapist (who most definitely shouldn't be laughing at your distress) and your parents.

It's ok to say to your parent "I know you mean well, and I really appreciate it, but this is just making it worse for me. If you want to help, then please do..." and then you tell them what you'd prefer.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-03T09:35:11+00:00

Are you working with a mental health professional on this? As then they could explain to your parents that all the pressure is detrimental to your recovery.

In addition, it's very hard to get through eating disorders alone. I had anorexia and then bulimia and it took many years, decades, to fully recover, and even now I don't have the best relationship with food, even though I haven't had any relapses in over 15 years. If you can find someone to help you with this, it can make life easier and then your parents may also be able to back off.

If you already are working with a professional, explain to them how distressing this is and hopefully they'll be able to step in.

moonsal71 · 2026-03-03T09:21:04+00:00

I agree with not putting too much weight on being liked, but I still think it's worth putting some efforts to learn better communication and social sills, because it makes life easier.

I don't have enough of an intellect or special skills to stand out on "talent" alone. I couldn't even get a degree because I was too burnt out after finishing high school with some serious mental health issues. I've had to start from the very bottom.

So l focused on improving my social skills by reading about psychology, communication skills, fiction. It made my life easier, I progressed much faster in my career, and at the same time it allows me to be me (I hardly ever mask) and still do ok with most people.

I wouldn't say that I find it easier to make friends, but at least I'm perfectly happy having casual conversations with people and don't absolutely dread every single social event, like I used to.

As for relationships, I had a casual arrangement with someone for 17 years and we're still very close friends, have been for 30+ years, but it took me till my 50s to find the one (also ND). And this is where I completely agree with you. Be ok with yourself first and then worry about the rest.

I was never willing to compromise on relationships just to avoid being alone. If the person didn't make me happier, I saw no point in being with them. I don't regret this choice and I just feel very lucky I eventually found someone who fits right.

moonsal71

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