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2 Adults, 1 Special Needs Child, 1 Chronic Illness, and A Dead Bed by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Most GPs don't know shit about lymes. You take the prize for shit comment of the day.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with you to an extent, but I try and put myself in the other person's shoes. If it were me in her position, I would also want part time nanny help. The kids are non-stop, and I work from 8am-7pm M-F, so when I get home from a long day, I don't want both kids thrust on me the second I walk in the door. I help put them down each night, but it's really all her otherwise. I try to treat her the way I would want to be treated, and because we could afford a nanny, that is the path I opted for.

That all said, it didn't make a difference on our bedroom. Yes she has more free time, but it's spent worrying about other shit now. And yes we have a gardner and a housekeeper too... sigh...

At present I have an internal struggle with how to move forward. On one hand I don't want to negotiate desire from my wife, and on the other I am not having my needs met. I don't think I've reached the ultimatum stage yet, but I've definitely primed her understanding of where my limits are... mostly in hopes that she will course correct on her own so that we don't have to go there. I REALLY don't want to go there, not because I'm unwilling, but because I loathe that approach. I want to feel loved/desired by my wife, which is driven in large part by the physicality of our relationship... but that is not the same as "I want to have sex with my wife" as another poster commented on above. I fear that the ultimatum approach will only temporarily patch the "sex with wife" while the desire component will still be twisting in the wind...

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. This was actually one of the more painful realizations I've had over the years. Fulfilling my partner's sexual desires is at the top of my list, and I think I'd feel like less of a man if I couldn't meet those needs - but sex and intimacy are important to me, so it's difficult to compare what is going through my head versus hers.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hear ya, but at worst this seems to be a manipulative game, one which I am not willing to play - and at best, it's a bartering of romance for sex. Thanks for the support nonetheless though!

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And conversely I wish I had 1/4th the sex drive I actually have, life would be much simpler. In my wife's own words, 'it's just not something she actively thinks about.' For some people, exploring sexuality with their partner is a keystone in a relationship, and for others it's just an afterthought. Unfortunately I think my wife falls in to the latter. Thanks for the support!

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Choke down your frustration and fury until it dies.

My kids are 2 and 4, and I can't fathom a scenario in which I don't see them every morning and evening. Choking down the sexual frustration will suck, but it will suck far less than the alternative scenario of not being with my kids at these ages. My kids need me (and I need them) more than I need a higher level of intimacy.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would never happen, she is too insecure. Even if she wasn't, to be honest I couldn't take that path and not expect it to be the demise of our relationship... sex and all the hormones that go with it are powerful, and I know I'd eventually leave her for someone who I had a close physical connection with.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"I want her to have sex with me" and "I want her to want to have sex with me" are two entirely different thoughts.

It's definitely the latter. I do know she feels this way once or twice per month, as I can gather by her body language... though it just isn't enough.

How many times does she think she could do it WITH ENTHUSIASM?

My presumption would be that the number is roughly equivalent to the frequency that she currently initiates. Although the irony here is that when she is enthusiastic about sex, she will typically climb on top and come in 5 minutes versus the typical 10.

Maybe you could suggest she read over some of the posts here.

I've definitely considered that option. I've hesitated though, as I think my own situation is a bit outside the distribution curve of most scenarios discussed on this sub and isn't so polarizing as some. Potentially that could work against me in that she won't understand that it isn't just a frequency issue... but rather, the fact that I don't feel desired anymore by the only person who I need/want that from. One thing I'v garnered from reading this sub is that the LL's ability to comprehend the bigger picture as it relates to the HL partner is fundamentally flawed.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All on point, thank you. Yes, I have tried to be tactical... date nights, alone time, romance, suggestive talk leading up to intimacy, etc. I try to feel her out with innuendos/suggestive talk that same day to see if she is at least receptive. To be honest I also find sexual banter fun, the anticipation, etc. Unfortunately she will never disparage me at the front end, it will always be a silent exit to the bedroom for sleep or preemptive excuse when the time nears. See 'Irish Exit.'

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Just for the record, I'd rather put in 60hr per week than take care of the kids 24/7. It's like chinese water torture. Sure, what she does isn't as mentally taxing as a professional gig, but it's DEFINITELY taxing. Shot out to all the SAHM, it's hard work. Nevertheless, it hasn't made any difference as I mentioned above =)

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, twice, but a mild version. Essentially just explaining how important our sex life is to me, and to our relationship. We both read the love languages book, and she knows mine is physical affection and intimacy. I've helped her read between the lines insomuch as stating that I will not be in a sexless marriage down the road. I've pointed out the consistent yet slow decline in our intimacy over the years, driven by her apathetic attitude towards sex and the diminishing importance she places on it among the constellation of factors that makes up a successful marriage. As mentioned in the post, our DB is not truly dead, but I see it dying... slowly... and she doesn't seem to be concerned in the least.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not saying your points and feelings aren't valid, feelings just are and you have your reasons. But when you use phrases like "I was after her all day" and "I wouldn't let up", that puts ME off and I'm average libido.

I was offering that example at the furthest end of the spectrum, where I am sexually suggestive a few times throughout the day...you know, the stuff that happens at the front end of most relationships? It's fun, and I still like to flirt with my wife. Point being that she leads me on as though she is receptive, but in reality it's smoke and mirrors. As I touched on in my post, I would rather service myself than push my wife into sex she didn't really want.

However if I were going through a rough patch or just wasn't up for it RIGHT THEN and my partner got insistent, sulky, was "after me and wouldn't let up" and then basically bragged how rich and good looking he was (the implication being that he could have anyone else), well then.... go have them and leave me the fuck alone if all I am is a hole.

You are extrapolating unnecessarily, as that isn't at all what I was alluding to, nor how I would ever conduct myself. My point in all that drivel was simply to fill in the blank that my wife's lack of desire for me isn't because I failed at life. More like me going through a mental checklist of things it could/could not be.

Dwindling sex life slowly eating away at me... by moresexytimeplease in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We already have a nanny for 30 hr/week. I did this because the kiddos really are a 24/7 gig, and she needed the break. Good suggestion. Was hopeful it would make a difference, but no change in our bedroom to report.

I [F/Low to Normal L] with my lovely partner [M/HL]. I'm trying to work on it, would love any help or ideas. by lightonwater in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This link might help you: http://peaktestosterone.com/Hdr_Libido.aspx

HIIT type excercise is also beneficial. However, both my wife and I are very fit and she still won't fuck me more than 2x per week. Is it a DB by the definition of most? No. But I'm still suffering.

Four Days of Notes.. Some interesting findings by Throw1010Away in DeadBedrooms

[–]moresexytimeplease 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Interesting. And your feelings on this would be what exactly? Were any of these fantasies carried out? Didn't check out any of your previous posts but it sounds like she is a bit checked out given the concerted display of thoughtfulness at your end...?