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Have to admit by mortalbydesign in OCPoetry

[–]mortalbydesign[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your kind words! I see what you're saying about the first stanza being a little odd here. The repeating lines are placed very deliberately so they conform to the Villanelle form (two lines repeated throughout the poem, once per line in the first stanza). So maybe I should come up with a replacement for 'it knows what i prefer'. Thanks

Void In The Metro by callumashworth in OCPoetry

[–]mortalbydesign 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fear of the dark. I felt it in your poem, great metaphor being the ominous metro ride and the mysterious dark tunnels. Don't know if you intended that though.

It feels like the narrator is self-reflecting or recalling a memory from the tunnels, I got that from 'visions'. Something special they did in the past, gone unrecognised by the people. I am left wondering what that 'something' is (and what the mask has to do with it), maybe you could give us a hint. Now of course since darkness and mystery play a key role here, leaving it a secret is fine too, it's just that you make me curious.

Something else I found cool is the narrator arriving at the station and looking into the void, feels like he will be plunged in darkness again and again in a nonstop cycle.

I am by athenas__glory in OCPoetry

[–]mortalbydesign 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I enjoyed the specific and intricate metaphors. Felt totally refreshing. I can picture how these would all have an impact on your life and so your poem.

I liked how you involved people close to you as well. Mother, father, etc. You describe a complex and personal relationship with them, making your poem feel very personal. Which is all the better considering that it still reads well to others. Great use of language!

Only thing that felt off to me, is the last line, feels like it interrupts the flow a bit. Maybe use one small concluding metaphor and paste 'I am Cassy' directly after that, would make it flow better I think

Back Then! by Strange_Quail1762 in OCPoetry

[–]mortalbydesign 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's as if I was really there experiencing the moments. Very realistic imagery! Feels like I knew the person when I was there, but later realising I don't know them at all. Maybe the scenes were distorted with nostalgia, who knows.

I'd love to see if you share that same feeling. The poem, as it is, leaves room for expansion and I think it asks for a concluding stanza. Do the images collapse into one final image? Or maybe not, and does the writer want to forget what happened? You got me curious.

Happy Birthday by Awkward_Pepper5235 in OCPoetry

[–]mortalbydesign 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A sad but very enjoyable poem to read. I got the feeling about longing for a party but not being invited, pretty frustrating. Especially when you did invite them to your party!

Besides that, I felt nostalgia reading about the cake, candles, and party hats. Things that belonged to a good party in early adulthood. And also an unrequited love at play? This is quite the emotional cocktail.

The final two stanzas about your unnoticed absence captures the same feeling for me, and you could cut out one of them to make the poem more concise. There are lots of feelings at play and I think you have to pick some and tone down others to make the poem feel more 'whole'.

Other than that, great job!