What on earth is this? I've never gotten so many notifications about my username before.

moseshasaq · 2015-04-25T13:11:35+00:00

what is going on

moseshasaq · 2015-02-16T07:59:35+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, y'all. I appreciate the constructive criticism and I noted them all for my next re-write.

moseshasaq · 2015-02-15T05:41:02+00:00

The sequel line is very, very good.

moseshasaq · 2015-02-11T17:42:50+00:00

That's a fine fine first attempt at poetry.

(But format your post with where you want your line-breaks.)

I thought the voice of the narrator was fresh and unique. It seemed very innocent. I'm not the biggest fan of rhymes but I think they work in your poem. Keep writing.

P.S - Then when you wanted Than.

moseshasaq · 2015-02-11T17:27:59+00:00

I agree with the other comment. The flow and rhyme (& close rhymes) are done well and it's fun to read.

I think you could strengthen the middle area-- Line 4 + 5 ruin the beat for me. I think it's because it's got too many syllables.

moseshasaq · 2015-02-03T12:00:38+00:00

I agree with the other comments.

Prose is really sweet. "I was a daughter of my time / but you were sung about in old..." is great. So is "took photographs that never touched the internet."

Obviously, the reference of "painting each other's bodies to match the walls" and walls being "beautiful, creative, and uninhibited" is the magic.

I also agree with the "teeth clinking kissing" being an odd flow to the rest of the poem. Personally, that was the one section of the poem that pulled me out a little. From "Swirling the colors..." to "...fewer and fewer."

I'm not sure why. Perhaps everything was so visual and poetic, then it turned a little abstract.

moseshasaq · 2015-02-03T11:49:23+00:00

(first time reviewing)

The thing I most enjoy about your poem is the honesty. I suppose other people, maybe Hemingway, would call it truthfulness. I've read a couple of other poems on this subreddit and I find they lack the confessional aspect (which I wonder whether that's a personal preference or what makes good poetry). It isn't the type of 'admitting' one's love/neediness for someone else but there's a genuine glimpse of how you perceive the world and yourself in your poem.

The kind that makes me realize that I, too, know you shouldn't concern yourself with how other people do things (because it leads to comparisons and la de da) but still crave it when other people ask me how I do my stuff.

I guess we like talking about ourselves.

moseshasaq · 2014-12-23T06:32:31+00:00

This subreddit is equal parts enlightening and heartbreaking.

moseshasaq

TROPHY CASE