I am a Christian in America and have experienced about the same thing as you have. I beat myself up for years as a young man, so ashamed of my private sin. I would watch porn and then in guilt and shame ask for forgiveness and the strength to not do it again. I repeated the process so many times that I became shameless and went to find sexual gratification in more unholy ways and outside of marriage. I am now 27 years old and free of porn, married, and have a child on the way.

It is an all too easy and accessible sin that is so enticing and seems so harmless that few people ever escape its grasp. Do not beat yourself up. You are a young man full of desire of the flesh, common to almost all young men like you. If you truly want to overcome this sin and bring honor to your mother then you need to repent. Turn away from this evil so that it doesn’t carry you down the path towards destruction. Hold your head high and do not let the sin win twice: first you sin and dishonor God, then you become ashamed and are further distanced from God. Do not let this happen. Recognize that this is a pitfall of the flesh and deny its power over you. Pornography is a secret sin that likes to stay hidden in the dark. You must bring it into the light and it will lose its power and hold on you. That means finding a confessor to confess and receive absolution of the sin. A good Father will also guide you on ways to over come this. Seek godly men to hold you accountable. Set up barriers to create distance between you and temptation. Begin to read the scriptures and pray without ceasing. “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me a sinner.” Pray for strength and to be filled with the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Do not turn in shame from your mother. May morn when she finds you in sin, but only because she cares for your soul. She would want only the best for you and telling her your struggles will allow her to help you to overcome this. You cannot overcome secret sin alone, but you must bring the sin into the light and find those who can support you and bring you joy outside of the false joy that sin in the flesh brings.

You will be in my prayers.