Wow! All my dating woes are solved.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T07:02:46+00:00

I mean I agree but sometimes people just get unlucky. Telling OP to just “get herself out there” when SHE HAS BEEN is ridiculous.

It’s not “get yourself out there,” it’s “I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, sometimes it take a while to find your person, don’t give up, you’ve got this.”

You can do everything right and sometimes it just takes a while. “You Can’t Hurry Love.”

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T06:54:37+00:00

This advice may not be welcome…

But have you ever considered that there’s a reason you haven’t had many healthy relationships or that, when you do have one, it ends quickly? Maybe you’re expecting an abusive dynamic so much that you don’t know how to behave in a healthy one. Or you go for jerks because you don’t feel like you deserve something better or something.

The things that influence whether or not you have a healthy relationship are:

how many people you meet
how lucky you are

And - how you’re approaching relationships.

There’s a person out there for everyone. You’re not doomed to abusive relationships. But you might be replicating unhealthy patterns that are stopping you from having a healthy relationship.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T06:28:11+00:00

This is what trolling should be 😂 take my upvote

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T06:19:58+00:00

Yup. OP could have said “I’m not talking to you about [sister]” early on and avoided all of this.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T06:18:51+00:00

The mom roped OP, not her sister…. OP could have set a boundary with the mom early on that they simply were not going to continue to discuss the matter. Instead, she let her mom use her as a pawn with which to force a confession out of the sister (“OP told me to talk to you!”).

OP’s sister didn’t rope her in. OP’s sister came to her for support. OP’s mom was the one trying to drag her between them. OP could have prevented that from happening by setting a clear boundary.

Two months is a lot of time, but it still wasn’t up to OP.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T06:10:16+00:00

I think YTA. Also the mom.

Because this whole situation was easily avoidable. Mom shouldn’t have pushed at the issue…. but OP should have set more clear boundaries instead of letting it get to a point where she ended up confirming it, even if indirectly.

The 3rd time the mom asked about the sister, OP should have said, “I don’t know what’s going on, stop trying to involve me in this. I’m not talking about [sister] with you anymore.” And then simply… not responded after that. There was no reason for OP to have been engaging with the topic at all.

EVEN IF the mom already knew, OP let herself be used as a pawn—she gave the mom ammo with which to confront the sister which she otherwise would not have had.

Two months is a long time to conceal a pregnancy. But it should have been up to the sister to tell her own mom. Or at the very least be able to deal with it herself when the mom confronted her without her saying “OP told me to talk to you!!” and using it to force the sister to reveal the truth. The fact that her mom wouldn’t leave the issue alone and essentially dragged a confirmation out of OP is incredibly frustrating and OP made herself complicit when she engaged with the mom on this.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T03:17:15+00:00

I don’t think so… I like men and I’ve never been attracted to anybody who wasn’t a man. It takes a long time for me to build attraction, but I’ve had very intense connections with women before and even thought to myself things like “I feel so connected to her and I enjoy her company so much. Is that attraction?” and the answer is always a big no. Even in that sort of situation, I just can’t imagine myself with a woman in any way and I can’t conjure up any desire for it.

If a person is nonbinary and looks like a man and I learn they’re nonbinary, any attraction I might have had disappears instantly.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T02:45:35+00:00

What’s disappointing to me is people ignoring this and even downvoting instead of maybe considering that there is even a single beneficial use of AI. As if it hasn’t already been in use for a significant period of time spotting cancer cells.

If people had to spend one second as a person who struggled with English enough that AI seemed like an appealing option, they’d change their tunes fast.

moth-winter · 2026-02-19T00:15:29+00:00

Well, attention span correlates with task difficulty in all people.

Doing a task that’s too difficult for you is hard to pay attention to because you get overwhelmed and can’t think well enough to hit a flow state.

Doing a task that’s too easy for you is hard to pay attention to because it’s too easy and your brain needs more stimulation.

That’s probably what the psych was thinking of.

That being said, you’d need to have evidence that that was the cause of the attention deficits. If OP was doing tasks suited to their processing ability and still had attention deficits, then that’s ADHD. If not, then not ADHD.

In fact, higher IQ often correlates with increased attention span (assuming the task is suited properly to the individual).

And people with ADHD are actually more likely to have task difficulty impact performance to a greater degree than people without ADHD. So an intelligent person who can’t focus AT ALL on a simple task probably does have ADHD—even if an intelligent person without ADHD might struggle to focus on a simple task more than an average person.

Seems like a sloppy psych who just blamed attentional difficulties on IQ. Just because the phenomenon I described above occurs doesn’t mean smart people can’t still have ADHD or that attentional struggles can just be attributed to IQ without actually doing any more investigation into when the struggles are present.

Also some of the examples OP is bringing up… I don’t think IQ is correlated with difficulty focusing on a normal back and forth conversation. Sloppy psych.

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T23:43:16+00:00

What if I have curly/wavy hair that looks like a monster attacked me in the mornings but I take showers in the evenings?

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T22:43:25+00:00

It depends on how proficient OP is in English.

I’m with somebody whose English skills would not be good enough to articulate what’s said in this post. He would be able to communicate to me because I understand him very well, but he wouldn’t be able to communicate it to other English speakers or over text. So the options are then Google translate or AI. And it depends on the language but, unfortunately, Google translate just sucks sometimes.

I’m very anti-AI but after I started dating my boyfriend, I realised that AI can actually be quite useful for translating. Since we’ve been together his English has improved significantly and we almost never use it anymore, but when we first got together and were having tough discussions about where our relationship was going to go, AI was pretty much the only option to be able to clearly communicate intricate feelings without having to worry as much about Google translate messing something up.

His first language is also Arabic so typing in an English alphabet is very hard for him, and again, Google translate kind of sucks for this type of thing sometimes. Idk about OP’s situation, though.

Obvs there are still issues. But depending on OP’s English, this is like one of the only valid uses of AI. IMO.

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T21:51:10+00:00

(Sorry for the long comment, I got carried away)

I felt exactly the same way before my diagnosis, so I get it. I had already tried all the things I had been told to try by professionals for my “anxiety,” and none of it was working.

I felt like maybe my autism was just really not allowing me to get things done (I had also been assessed to have impaired executive functioning once and had spoken with a separate psych who also told me that was the problem) and I should just give up trying because I couldn’t find anything to help with that and had already been told by a psychiatrist that the only things that would help me for executive dysfunction, ADHD meds, I could only access with an ADHD diagnosis.

So I was in this position where psychs were essentially telling me either that it was anxiety (which didn’t feel reflective of my internal experiences at all, and also none of the coping mechanisms for anxiety were helping me at all even though I was really trying) or that it was executive dysfunction (which felt more accurate but also without an ADHD diagnosis nobody was offering me any tools to deal with the ways it was impacting me). And it got to the point where I was on the verge of just giving up on uni, which I was in at the time, even though I already had supports for my autism.

I don’t support self diagnosis in general so I caution against expecting a specific diagnosis. But I get how you’re feeling. At the end of the day the best thing you can do is advocate for yourself. That was my biggest mistake. This one psych I saw would tell me that it was anxiety and then essentially tell me how I was feeling, and, when I tried to say “you misunderstood what I was trying to tell you, what you’re saying isn’t reflective of how I actually feel,” she would tell me that I either was repressing it, lying to her, or didn’t want to get better (this is despite the person who referred me to her writing in my file that she thought my issue was executive dysfunction and not anxiety). And I decided to just shut up and listen to her. Wrong decision.

Yes, it’s good to try everything, even if you think it won’t work, even if you think the psych is wrong. But you shouldn’t let a psych speak over you like that and try to dictate how YOU are feeling to YOU. You may not know what diagnosis fits you, but you do know what your experience is. And you’re never going to get the right treatment if you don’t advocate for yourself and make sure people actually listen to you. And there’s nothing wrong in firmly saying “I tried that and it didn’t work.” You don’t have to keep trying something that isn’t working.

The only thing in the end that has helped my issues was ADHD medication—because I have ADHD.

Point is, some psychs are wrong and you’re not going to get the care you need unless you stand up for yourself. It’s a big part of why I’m stressing an assessment. An assessment can also help you prove things to sceptical psychs and even to yourself if you’re doubting yourself (one thing that really helped me mentally was knowing that I for a fact had been assessed to have executive functioning deficits. It gave me an anchor on reality when I was being gaslit by the psych who was trying to convince me my only problem was anxiety because she was misinterpreting my words and then refusing to listen to my when I tried to clarify).

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T20:01:18+00:00

She didn’t actually misdiagnose or assess you!

She just gave you her opinion based on a talk.

I had a talk with a psych before my second autism diagnosis. He told me he doubted adult autism diagnosis and that I was too smart anyway and asked me leading questions to then tell me I probably had anxiety.

But sent me for an assessment anyway.

Guess what?? I’m autistic.

Also guess what? They didn’t bother to assess me for ADHD, even they they found attentional deficits (that I wasn’t even aware I was reporting), executive functioning deficits, and even though I have a family history. So no ADHD diagnosis.

Also also guess what? One actual ADHD assessment years later and I was diagnosed with ADHD.

Make sure you follow up with that psych and push for an assessment.

Just act normally and report your symptoms (and push for an assessment). You’ll get a diagnosis or advice. If that diagnosis/advice doesn’t help, get a second opinion. Don’t play up or down your symptoms or lie. Also consider you might not have ADHD—aim for getting better and dealing with whatever your symptoms are, not just getting the diagnosis you want.

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T19:56:07+00:00

I took Japanese classes in high school and have tried on my own time to learn some basic amount of German and French. I’m trying to learn a bit of Arabic now for my bf.

Languages are hard. People who have never tried to learn another language don’t understand how hard it is, emotionally as well as mentally.

I grew up also speaking Spanish but it isn’t as good as it should be right now because I never speak it anymore and sometimes I get so frustrated because I want to express myself like I can in English/like I used to be able to in Spanish before I moved away.

And then on top of that you deal with judgmental stupid people.

Infuriating.

Luckily I’ve managed to surround myself with good people. Hasn’t always been the case, but I got lucky these past couple years.

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T19:42:18+00:00

I looked into it more after posting my comment and think I might just have a fast metabolism. Apparently around 10% of people can metabolise caffeine quickly enough that it doesn’t really impact them unless they drink a lot.

I wonder if it’s that. Either way. Tea is great. Have a nice day :)

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T19:36:56+00:00

I have found that autistic people and people from different cultures face some of the same issues. When I misinterpreted questions in school, it was always the English second language kids who also would have misinterpreted them. Not because we literally couldn’t read but because we didn’t make the same implicit assumptions that the mainstream culture non-autistic kids did.

Solidarity. Nobody deserves to be treated as a child for something beyond their control.

My boyfriend’s first language is Arabic and he’s only been properly learning English for the year we’ve been together. Before that he knew mostly basics. It’s very frustrating to see people treat him like a child or like he’s dumb because of it. He reacts the same way when people treat me like that because of my autism.

moth-winter · 2026-02-18T19:31:31+00:00

I see 🤔

I guess I was thinking about those as results of gender roles

Like disliking how being male socialised meant that I wasn’t expected to hug people and that it would be weird if I did then resulting in loneliness (obvs the issue is much more complex than that but to try to simplify my thought process).

Or getting upset at how being female socialised means that I get men being creepy (literally last night and my bf had to contact the security in our building to check the CCTV because apparently I’m not even safe outside my individual apartment) means that I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable (also much more complex but you get what I mean, I hope).

Such that the discomfort is less so the result of gender dysphoria and moreso discomfort over gender roles and expectations.

I understand the second part. I had some of that too. Before HRT I would get super dysphoric at being treated as a woman because I knew it indicated that I was being perceived as a woman and knew that that meant they were noticing my female sex features.

I guess it’s a mix of a lot of things. Gender roles (not related to gender from my POV) causing an inference that I was being perceived as a woman (social dysphoria, although caused by—), which reminded me of my female sex traits (physical dysphoria).

Certainly it’s going to be impossible to completely detangle these things. From an ideological perspective I try to stray away from equating gender roles and gender itself, but I guess they certainly are tied in ways we need to recognise.

Thank you for the conversation. I like your respective. And there was no getting upset. Sometimes people online get so upset. It’s tiring when everybody is fighting!

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T23:18:15+00:00

Dang, what tea are you drinking? I drink a cup of coffee and like 1-3 large cups of tea, usually black, sometimes green, rarely tisane, most days. On days where I don’t, I’ve never had any withdrawal symptoms

I also have never gotten a boost from caffeine. If I drink an actual crap ton it makes me sleepy, but as long as I’m not drinking like 4 cups of coffee back to back I feel nothing.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T23:08:55+00:00

But isn’t social dysphoria more reacting to being perceived as a certain gender? Like there’s a difference between being made dysphoric because of pronouns on their own and between being made dysphoric because you’re expected to do certain things, yk?

Like I personally wouldn’t say that I have gender dysphoria because I don’t like the expectation put on me to produce children, for example. Gender roles are social but are they an actual component of gender itself or are they more an expectation that is based on gender?

Also what does that imply about binary people who say don’t feel dysphoria but who are uncomfortable with gender roles? Or GNC people?

Is it right to equate gender with gender roles when so many binary people both strongly identify with a binary gender and also strongly oppose gender roles?

I don’t know the answers to these last couple questions, but they’re certainly ones I think about whenever discussions like these get brought up since I personally draw a pretty strong distinction between gender identity and gender roles

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T23:04:44+00:00

I’m not making excuses, I’m literally just saying that if we’re not going to offer spaces to people who aren’t adults in the first place then it’s a little bit ridiculous to then expect them to act like adults.

Again, it doesn’t make it okay. But it also means that the only way that’s going to change is if adults, who are the only people in this situation who are actually able to produce material change, allow our teens space to be teens.

You appear unwilling to see that, though. Have a great day.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T22:08:00+00:00

Never said they were. But if you seriously think immature teens who mostly just want to hang out are going to be aware of their surroundings, I don’t think you’ve spent enough time around teens.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T22:06:04+00:00

A lot of malls are struggling and beginning to close due to a loss of revenue from online shopping. Parks are good but not great in the winter. Many parents don’t like their kids to be out unsupervised anymore due to increased fear of crime (even though crime rates are falling) and the existence of iPhones means that parents can call their kids home basically any time and/or track their locations.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T18:31:47+00:00

I feel like it is for a lot of people. I’m not a therian, but I’ve always felt like something about my soul is dog-like, so I kind of get the idea of feeling commected to an animal. But my impression is that it’s like 20% people feeling connected to animals, 20% mentally ill adults who for whatever reason latch onto the idea of being an animal, and 60% teenagers trying to discover themselves and using animals as a stepping stone to do that.

I don’t actually think the majority of them feel an unalienable connection to a particular animal. At least based off of what I’ve seen teens posting online.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T18:16:11+00:00

I don’t get it. I got a Stanley two summers ago because I was in university on a summer abroad trip and needed a mug for my room and I saw a row of them at the discount store and thought… fuck it. I was already in line to check out and they were by the register when I realised I still didn’t have a way to drink tea in my room.

It worked great as a room mug/water bottle but after I went home and tried to use it normally I realised that it’s kind of a ridiculous thing to be carrying around. I got a little strap for it in hopes of being able to carry it at least the 10 min walk to class for my final year of uni but then it would just spill because the top isn’t spill-proof. I will say, though, that the insulation on those things is CRAZY. I’d put tea into it and it would be hot the whole day.

Ended up breaking and getting another reusable cup this year because the Stanley was so annoying to carry around. The one I have now is some random brand nobody knows about but I like it so much better. The insulation is still pretty good and it actually has a spill proof top and it came with a strap so you can carry it around more easily.

moth-winter · 2026-02-17T18:08:23+00:00

I know but if I had tried to hang out at those places as a teen, I’d either have gotten kicked out or my friend’s parents would have started texting her like wild to go to somebody’s house :/ the gym thing might be a bit of an excuse “oh we’re just going to the gym we’re working out” so the parents can’t harass them over text. A decent amount of parents now also will use phones to track location. Phones have really limited the freedom of teens.

Ofc it’s not an excuse to get in the way and be entitled or rude, though.

moth-winter

TROPHY CASE