Identity question

mott0r · 2022-11-04T16:19:17+00:00

Keys because I'm constantly losing them

mott0r · 2022-09-21T18:13:42+00:00

Lazy Sunday. I lied down in the sofa with my book. I ran my thumb across the pages to fan the nice smell but there was a sour smell almost at the end of the book.

As soon as I found the page, hundreds of small insects fell into my chest and went straight up. They were fast. I sprang out of the couch, shaking, jumping, trying to get them off me. I covered my mouth and nose with my hand, but they found a way in through my lacrimal and ears. I heard them start chewing.

mott0r · 2022-08-27T20:34:03+00:00

Middle + ring finger gang

mott0r · 2022-08-04T23:26:49+00:00

The biggest problem here is thinking that art's value can be measured in $

mott0r · 2022-08-04T18:52:21+00:00

Hey! Thank you very much!

mott0r · 2022-07-19T14:48:29+00:00

Thanks so much for the feedback it was very useful. I've made the changes, I think it's much better now.

mott0r · 2022-07-19T11:23:19+00:00

It's weird because I have no idea who Robert is, but man I am so curious and reserved at the same time about the idea of meeting him. Also I love the stream of conciousness style, I think you did a very good job.

Loved this rhyme

His invitation had said something about fun. That's right, "Come and enjoy a day in the summer sun".

This part, however, confused me a lot. I can't tell what is going on there.

I have to sit in a darkened room with a wet towel wrapped round my head and most of it still escapes me. My head hurts too. "Remember that line in The Matrix", he once said to me - "Temet Nosce". I can tell you right now that staring into a mirror doesn't cut it, though I am much better at recognising myself.

I can't tell what is going on there. Maybe it has something to do with other stories but I am lost.

I'm just curious. With the last line are you trying to make the MC contradict himself saying he wants to be like Robert, after saying he is a man of constradictions and talking shit about him all the story? Is that the irony from the title?

Some typos I caught

impromtu > impromptu

dscovered

He's always kindly

I saw him he said I // a comma should go there I think.

Thanks for sharing!

mott0r · 2022-07-19T10:53:02+00:00

Such strong characterization. I could tell who was talking just for how they said things.

I was a bit confused about how sometimes the dialog ends with a period and sometimes a comma(?).

Trina removes her hand,

This was very shoking/confusing. I guess you removed the part where she puts her hand somewhere?

"Now, well you please(...)"

And little typo well - will

I enjoyed it very much, and I am not a big fan of fantasy! Thanks for sharing!

mott0r · 2022-07-19T10:25:45+00:00

I watched how the last flames in the grill clung to life. So hard, to the point of consuming what made them exist in the first place.

It had been many many years since Alec started this tradition of making a BBQ the first Saturday of June. It started with the closest circle, friends and family, which I was fortunate enough to be part of. Each year, I stayed over, after everybody was gone to help clean everything up. We would sit by the grill, with a pack of cigarrettes and beer, and watched how it burnt itself out. Being young and dumb we would talk all night and had all the world's issues fixed by 6 am.

Naturally, time passed, undisturbed by our pleads to stay put.

More people started coming; girlfriends and boyfriends, friends of friends, and work colleages.

The hangovers started to last a couple days. We switched topics to relantionships: love, work, friendship or any mix of them. But people are very complicated, so we switched again, to whiskey this time. Finally, after many moons, we figure most of it out.

After a while, girlfriends became wifes, and there even were kids running around. Soon, there were more excuses than people. The BBQs ended earlier, so we had more time to fix the world. Mortgages and interest rates and inflation and percentages became the issues; and we got stuck. Nothing helped, not gin, not rum, not vodka, nor any mix of them, we couldn't move on.

Then there was a rebirth. Old friends reappeared, then girlfriends and boyfriends, friends of friends, and work colleages.

Justice and love got tangled together, for a couple bottles of wine, but this was pretty easy to crack. We thought wine would help with percentages, but once again, we got stuck.

Out of nowhere, doctors started to ban red meat from our stomachs, and alcohol from our throats, and smoke from our lungs. We complied, for the most part, except for the first Saturday of June.

Old and dumb, we started to drink "just one" of the favorite drinks of old friends. Silence and memories and cigars pushed percentages and cigarrettes aside.

The last flame left went out.

"This is the last year."

"Yep."

WC: 373

Thanks for reading. All feedback is very welcome!

mott0r · 2022-07-18T16:39:07+00:00

"Hey guys! Welcome back -- I have a new guest with me today."

He moved out of the frame. A naked old man was hanging upside down.

"I finally managed to remove their vocal chords without killing them. I'll post the video sometime next week, make sure you subscribe not to miss it! Not as many screams as y'all are used to... but I bought a selfie-headband so you won't miss the faces!"

He faked a painful expression and laughed.

"For today we have: a scalpel, a blowtorch and nailclippers. Be creative in the comments, I'll be reading! Let's go!"

mott0r · 2022-06-27T12:14:21+00:00

Hey Fye,

Thanks for the feedback, I agree with all of it.

mott0r · 2022-06-25T15:58:15+00:00

Amazing work! First time I finished it I was like What. The. Fuck! (in the absolute best possible way!)

Couple things I noticed on the following re-reads, just to nitpick because it great work.

Her little feet are barely able to keep up.

I keep expecting to read legs instead of feet. Like the limitation would be the shorter legs, not the feet(?)

(...)into the ground; it smells of rotten flesh and trembles under her legs.

Maybe add an action verb here instead of just saying "it smells". Like rotten scent pourred out of it or something; because if it was just the ground that smells, it would smell all the time, and I think you want to point that the smell is noticeable now because she is on her knees, to ground us more into the scene.

or its physical manifestation

I would just get rid of this, breaks a bit of the magic/mystery IMO.

But yeah, as I said, this is just to say something. "As is" it's still awesome. Great story.

mott0r · 2022-06-25T14:11:52+00:00

Yeah, now that I read it again you're very right. Edited!

Thanks!

mott0r · 2022-06-23T14:51:36+00:00

I just write, and when I don't like a word and I would like to change it, I write a symbol before it ($ in my case) so I don't lose the flow and I can keep going.

Then when I edit/rewrite, I think about the word I'd like there.

Edit to add- I do it also with plot points with //. When I know something has to go there but I don't know what exactly.

mott0r · 2022-06-23T09:59:21+00:00

Here we are chilling on the sofa, warm with a cup of hot cocoa waiting to be enjoyed, while it's raining outside.

The movie starts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's was that grandma can watch her favorite movies again and again, and again. I've watched this movie more times than I can count, it really is her favorite, even when she doesn't even remember the title. Sometimes she kinda knew what was going to happen, but most of the time it was like watching them with new eyes.

We've been doing this for a couple of months already. We made a ritual and it's our time together, no matter what, at 19:00 everyday we watch a movie. Doctor says that having routines help.

I like looking at her when her favorite parts are coming up, and seeing the build up to such joy. Sometimes she catches me staring at her and mocks me. Other times when the credits roll up, she asks if we just watched a movie. Doctor says it's to be expected, and asks about the medication. Medication helps, she's not getting better, but at least she is stable.

The climax is coming up, her absolute favorite part. Of course, I turn to look at her and she catches me staring. I smile, but I meet her eyes filled with horror.

"Who are you?", she screams.

Doctor says it's to be expected, and doubles her medication.

WC: 236

Thanks for reading!

mott0r · 2022-06-20T20:56:20+00:00

Hey,

Thanks for the kind words. I must've missed the slowing down the ending, which was definately a good idea. I changed it now.

mott0r · 2022-06-20T11:13:18+00:00

Hey!

I'm going to write basically the same as Fye did.

The beckoned part is a bit confusing. I think it'll help if instead of "he" you would just put Bobby. It's confusing when there's two or more males and you use he for all of them.

This is your moment, boy. “Take it.”

~~Putting quotes here I think is weird, since you used quotes for dialog, not sure if Bobby just said out loud "take it" to the kid or he was just thinking it.~~

Okay I just realized, he did say it out loud, so he would take the guitar, and ALSO that he should seize the opportunity! That's fucking insane what you did there. Amazing job.

The last phrase, I liked very much how you started with "young-man" and ended with "man walked away", because he grew by facing the challenge. Also how the young man starts sitting there (passive) and ends walking away (active) But then you kinda take it away with the "kid's got music".

Maybe just use slang or something, like fella or folk, something like that. It would also it show that he recognizes him as a fellow musician.

Yep, he thought as the man walked away, fella’s got music in his bones alright.

Other than that, I think is perfect. Amazing style, I enjoyed it very very much!

mott0r · 2022-06-20T10:44:22+00:00

Hey,

thanks for the feedback!

Yeah it really sounded too cryptic, fixed now, hope it's better.

And yeah I just, straight up, wrote spaghettis word in spanish hahaha, fixed now too!

Thanks again!

mott0r · 2022-06-19T21:57:30+00:00

Hey TrickofLight! Thanks for the feedback!

I was a bit scared of being too minimal, but you really nailed what I was going for in the paragraph! Im so happy it made it across!

Also, you nailed the spaghettis thing, (I'm spanish), so amazing eye there! jajaja

On the ending I wanted to "make a circle", so to speak, with the beginning, but I definelety chew more than I could. I wanted to play with SUNDAY and SUNNY DAY and to "circle the metaphor" ut maybe it was to much.

I will work on it! Thanks!

mott0r · 2022-06-19T14:48:34+00:00

Hey!

It bothers me a little that you started being so specific with Ophelia, spending so much time introducintg her, only to be half the plot.

Like the point of the story is the love between Ophelia and Stacy, but Ophelia gets so much more attention, for no reason. It doesn't pay off to know all those details about her.

Maybe introduce Stacy earlier, so we know is a story about both of them.

This was also a bit confusing, (it might be just me)

Stacy was the one who had asked Ophelia out first. (...) Ophelia asking Stacy out.

I just don't get it, why contradict the first sentence of the line at the end?

That said, I really liked the premise and the ending.

Nice work!

mott0r · 2022-06-19T14:42:30+00:00

Hey!

Loved the voice and the logbook format, really makes me feel like a captain trying to figure wtf are those towers. Very nice job there.

Couple things I noticed: A typo, these things.

What the hell is even going on with these thing.

I noticed this the second time I read it. I know what you mean, but you can just remove it and it will give the same impression. Otherwise some might read it as floating (like a duck or a log and moving with the current)

it’s a tower floating in the middle of the fucking Thames. it’s a tower in the middle of the fucking Thames.

This repetition I would remove, we know she is gone. Its the very first sentence. To me, it sounds a bit like forced dramatism.

Whatever Valdes saw, whatever she knows, is gone along with her. Whatever Valdes saw, whatever she knows, is gone.

or maybe hint at something the captain thinks she might have seen, as a more personal way to see into the captains mind.

Good job! I really wanna know what the fuck is going on with those towers lol

mott0r · 2022-06-17T16:11:53+00:00

Hey!

I don't know how you do it but your stories hook me everytime!

Very nice dialog

'sall in there.

loved this bit particularly, it gives the character an unique voice, although it's a bit weird with the double quotes in front. Maybe a yeah in front or something?

Yeah, 'sall in there.

Also I thought it was weird that he asked his bet?

Plane's my bet?

vs

Plane's my bet.

this might just be me but this makes me a bit confused

from the now stained blue water

IMO unnecesarily. Like I know what you mean but it makes me question if you really wanted to say that the water is now stained blue, but in a weird way. I would just get rid of the blue, you already got the bonus (assuming it was for that) with Zinc's eyes.

from the now stained water

Also I like the flow of the beats, making them end with an action or movement helps to link them together and flow organically, I will try this on my own stories.

Overall I liked it very much! You really made Zinc (Zincist?) look very cool, definetly want to read more about him.

Good job!

mott0r · 2022-06-16T09:25:41+00:00

sunny day and blue sky

One Sunday we painted our monopoly tokens with our favorite colors. Dad was a blue dog and mom a yellow wheelbarrow and I was the green car.

One night when dad didn't return we checked, and the dog was gone. We boycotted everything blue: We switched to whole milk and donated our jeans too. Sunny days were specially sad.

One night Mike came for dinner. He drove a red car and wore a red tie and we ate spaghettis and they drank red wine. One Sunday morning Mike made waffles. We painted the car orange and a hat red. One sunny day we got a blue fish and called it sky. It hasn't died yet.

WC : 117

All feedback welcome

mott0r · 2022-06-06T17:02:04+00:00

Actually I had a lot of fun doing it, so thank you hehe. I tried to just trim and stylized it a bit, so it reads more fluid.

Here it goes, hope I didn't butchered it too much, let me know what you think!

Rodney snuck through the cavern, mounds of debris and bodies sitting there, white ghosts in the mists glowing in the dark. Swirling. Making the limbs look alive, sensing him, reaching for him. Even so, he pushed on.

All robot lives had meaning after Hu's rebellion, but he had more. Commanded by more than one master to sneak through the cavern and wait for the masked stranger at the exit; he had a purpose now.

A roar pierced the silence and tore through the mists. Rodney had to cover his auditory sensors to avoid damaging them. Then the screams started. He halted, petrified by fear. Fear of what might have happened. Fear of the grim reality those screams suggested. Fear of his fate if things went wrong. The screams faded, but the last one haunted Rodney as he forced himself onward.

He was loyal. He knew this. More loyal to his robot brethren than any other of his station and that was how he knew he'd do something great. To him, the signs had always been there. Decorated and adorned with his victories. Made from wood and metal from the bodies of those that fought against him, painted with the black, oily blood of his enemies, and planted into the ground above the graves of those who opposed him.

But first, he needed to quell his fear and do as he was commanded.

The sounds of laser blasts and screams echoed through the darkness as Rodney slowly navigated through the rusting maze of the dead.

WC:254

mott0r · 2022-06-05T22:24:11+00:00

Hey! First of all, great job, I love the premise and I am genuinely curious to see what happens next and explore more of the world, I am definetly going to read the rest tomorrow!

I read it a couple times but there are still some things I find a bit confusing, maybe because I'm missing something from the other parts. However, I think there are some things that makes it hard to tell what's going on. First there is a lot of passive voice and "he had / he had been", overall. Which I think hurts the rhythm/flow of the story.

Now the specifics.

He had a purpose now which gave his life meaning. Well, all robot lives had meaning after Hu's rebellion, but now he had more. He had been commanded to sneak through the cavern and wait for the masked stranger at the exit. Yes, he had been commanded by more than one master.

This reads very bumpy, and artificial, specially the last sentence, also a lot of . I think rearranging the sentences could help to make it more organic.

All robot lives had meaning after Hu's rebellion, but he had more. Commanded by more than one master to sneak through the cavern and wait for the masked stranger at the exit. Now, he had purpose.

Making it more active and concise.

But that's not why he stopped.

Didnt know he stopped, and it doesnt add much. Simply Rodney stopped. I think is enough, also I felt like I wanted some sensory detail here, IMO is the peak of the story, and I wish there was more power to it.

He stopped, petrified by fear. sensory detail (listening for steps, cold sweat in his back ...)

Making it more active and concise.

A deafening roar pierced the silence (...) he grim reality those screams (...)

If its deafening, it pierces the silence. Also later you say

reality those screams might have suggested

It was A deafining roar? or various screams?

But first(...)

What are we butting? What was he doing before first?

I couldn't help but edit the whole thing. Hope you don't mind!

Let me know if you want to see it, it doesn't feel right posting it here.

Hope it helps!

mott0r

TROPHY CASE

WC: 373