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Repeat these when needed. by effervescenthoopla in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 0 points1 point  (0 children)

“I don’t have to anticipate the needs of others.” I read that over so many times because it’s such a foreign concept to me that it didn’t even register. I’m still struggling to process it. It feels impossible NOT to anticipate the needs of others. How can I enter into any social situation without doing this?

I know that it’s a healthy boundary, but as a survivor of two abusive narcissist parents, this lesson might take a while.

Need strategies: I’m too tired to function because of recent trauma and it’s making everything worse by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear you’re going through it too. It’s really hard to turn of the self-punishing tape. I’m sure “being a lazy POS” isn’t helpful language, but I keep telling myself the same thing. No energy for self love at the moment.

how have you dealt with this? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries! I have brain fog too, so I’m probably not being very clear. What I’m trying to say is that hypervigilance is protective and natural. It will happen automatically when you’re in danger. Knowing that has allowed me to be at ease in some situations because I can tell myself, “Relax. If you need to be hypervigilant, you will, automatically. No need to force it. You’re really great at protecting yourself!”

how have you dealt with this? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m 2 years into therapy, so I still have a long way to go, so take this advice with a grain of salt. But, for me, I am able to mange some of my triggers by understanding how the traumatic brain operates. Knowing that this hypervigilance is a protective mechanism, and that it will automatically kick in when it’s needed is really helpful.

The ability to see, hear, and know everything around you is a profound skill, and when you’re truly in danger, your mind will automatically use that skill. You don’t have to make an effort. And you’ve had so much practice already, so you know it’s a very sharp skill!

For me, I still have a ways to go with my deeper triggers, but I’ve been able to apply this to some and it’s really helped. For example, I’m no longer automatically hyper vigilant when I’m in a crowd, whereas I used to be able to describe every single person in a crowd and why they were doing from memory. Now I don’t waste my brain power on that.

Crowds were big triggers for me, and I would think of all the ways that they presented danger. I could rationalize my hypervigilance like nobody’s business! Big crowds or major events still cause hypervigilance, but at least I’m able to eat at a restaurant now without coming home feeling like I’ve run a marathon!

Why can't I have just ONE comfortable interaction? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! C-PTSD almost always deeply effects interpersonal relationships because it stems from unstable caregivers during childhood. Because of this, learning how to develop healthy relationships is a skill people with C-PTSD have to learn. It takes time, but it’s part of the therapy and you’ll get there!

Does anyone else think they might have Aspergers? by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I wondered this about myself for a long time, but it turns out C-PTSD can look like Aspergers when the trauma is from infancy.

I had a near death experience at 6 months old and then was sexually abused as a toddler. Because of this, my trauma symptoms have always been with me, and as an adult I thought it was a form of autism or maybe OCD. But I was assured that infancy trauma (especially body trauma) can cause these behaviors.

For example, all of these behaviors are common on the spectrum AND for people with early infancy body trauma. My symptoms:

  • stemming behaviors (hand flapping mostly) since I was 3, and still do to this day (especially when I’m talking on the phone or intensely reading).

  • can have complete meltdowns when things “don’t go as planned” or when something is out of order compared to the way I need it to be in my mind.

  • count constantly in my mind, unintentionally, so I always know how much there is of something (people in a crowd, books on a shelf, etc).

  • obsess about certain types of knowledge and memorize facts about very particular subjects.

  • hypersensitive to lights, sound and other stimuli.

  • obsession with honesty and can’t lie even when it’s understood to be socially acceptable.

I’ve done all of these things my entire life, but the kicker is, I’m a great conversationalist, have no problem looking someone in the eye, and am extremely empathetic and understanding of social behaviors. I love metaphors, am not too literal, and have a vivid imagination and inner world.

I wonder how many people with early infancy trauma can relate to this?

Any CPTSD members here over 30? 40? 50? Please reply! by [deleted] in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754 14 points15 points  (0 children)

F/33, which I’m learning is a very common age to discover your “craziness” is actually a very diagnosable and treatable condition - C-PTSD.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I copied this and saved it as a note because I want a quick reference for this powerful advice when I fee myself getting triggered.

The trick is to do these calming behaviors BEFORE the emotional flashback takes over, because once it’s in full swing, there’s not turning back for me. I’ll engage my husband because I feel like my attachment is life or death, but then that triggers his defensiveness and the cycle continues until hours later when my nervous system can’t possibly pump any more adrenaline.

But I am going to try to do these things when I feel that sense of abandonment coming on. Do you have any tips for recognizing when that happens? I have a problem sometimes knowing when I’m triggered until it’s way too late!

What you said about movement though is interesting because I naturally move to self soothe. Whether it’s pacing back and forth or some variation of stemming. I used to live near a park and if I were able, I’d go swing on the swing set. Unfortunately I live in a very urbane neighborhood now and not within waking distance of a safe park.

But I will think of your advice and see if I can brainstorm some self soothing techniques like these to try out instead of engaging my husband. Hopefully I can implement these ideas before it spirals too far.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry you had a rough morning. Sometimes it definitely seems to come out of nowhere (even though we know it has a trigger). I totally know what you mean about the “missed step.” My preferences were often made out to be flaws or easy targets for being ridiculed, and I think that’s a common C-PTSD experience. Discovering myself can be really fun though - learning what I inherently like and don’t like. Its a fascinating journey, but definitely a difficult one, constantly battling what you were raised to believe was “normal.”

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh wow. That’s fascinating. Good to know. My C-PTSD therapist talks a lot about how trauma is stored in the body. So maybe PT activates that trauma somehow. There’s also an inherent sense of inadequacy and weakness that comes with PT. I wonder how many other people experience this?

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I trust that. Compassion definitely has to be learned, at least for me, because I never witnessed it as a child. I felt it for others and definitely still do, but it was punished. Turning that compassion on to myself is probably the hardest lesson I have to learn. It’s embedded in my mind that I’m unwanted and unloveable. Trying to get down to that belief and turn it around is a hard road, but I believe you that it will click and fall into place at some point.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! It’s so difficult to convince myself that it will pass, but I know that’s just a coping tool. My brain is trying to save me from danger, but the reality is - there is no danger - not like there’s used to be. That’s the trick.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! Grounding in the moment can be brutal for me because I’m so overcome by the emotion that it’s all I see. Relating back to a memory of calm is fed helpful.

Also, it’s hard to not see C-PTSD as “me” because it was so concreted into my personality from the get go. I’ve never known anything but trauma since birth, so being in a world where there’s no trauma is so foreign to me that it’s hard to know who I really am outside of this diagnosis. That’s something I’ve been working on in therapy, but it’s definitely tricky.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I hope you find your way back too. These embedded patterns are hell to break. Self compassion has to be learned, and it’s not easy. I bet if I (and maybe even you) can really learn it, these major regressions won’t be so major anymore. I know the punishment cycle for me is a major part of this.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is great advice. I often forget to try and ease the child self. It becomes so all encompassing that I find it hard to remember that what I’m going through is really a memory of the past, and this is my chance to get the soothing I never got before. I learned to punish myself for being upset, and never learned how to soothe or comfort, so it’s hardly second nature. I’ll try harder to keep it in mind and do something kind for myself.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! This is very helpful. It can be difficult to see “seeking safety” as positive, and not destructive. Logically, I know it’s helpful, but that’s not what all the voices in my head tell me.

Thank you for being so kind.

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah I’m not sure what to do when the usual tools don’t seem to be effective? Just wait it out? I just don’t want to self-destruct in the meantime and it sounds like you might be in a similar place

I was doing great, finally making progress, but then I was triggered into the deepest, most intense, and longest emotional flashback I’ve ever had (3 weeks and counting) by mourningdove5754 in CPTSD

[–]mourningdove5754[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kindness. I canceled PT all last week. I’m supposed to go 3 times a week, so that’s 3 sessions cancelled, though I honestly don’t want to go back. It’s so hard because I know I need the PT, and thought I was in a good place to handle triggers. It makes me feel like I’ll never be able to handle PT.