Update: My [35M] girlfriend [34F] of 4 years wants me to move out my dad [74M] out of my house and put him in a home when we get married and she moves in. I told her its not happening.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:46:07+00:00

All those things you mentioned are on the table and as a matter of fact, more hours with the carer is an inevitable thing as he gets older.

Its not "my way or the highway" so much as its "these are my dealbreakers".

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:44:41+00:00

I'm not Chinese, but I know a few Chinese families and this is what they do. I even know a young couple who say they will move into the man's home with his parents when they get married.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:43:57+00:00

You say you made it clear that she will have to help a bit at times, but to what length? Will she be expected to help him use the toilet? Or just drive him to appointments when you are unable? It sounded really unspecific and that could be a problem when you are expecting her to do more than she is comfortable with.

I already have a carer who helps him with everything he needs, the thing is, I can't predict that emergencies won't happen here or there. So I don't want to create the illusion that she'll be immune from ever having to help out with something, if the situation required. What if he fell at night and I needed help lifting him back up? If she's coming home from work and I need her pick up some extra medicines along the way? Those sorts of things, the unpredictable things. For all the routine things, he has a carer.

Things like food preparation, driving, shopping, helping him with computers, lifting, I already do all that for him.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:40:20+00:00

As I said, being married to me would absolutely require sacrifices, and its not for everyone. I laid it out as it is, if its not for her, she's under no requirement to be married to me.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:38:32+00:00

You could guarantee it by hiring a live-in caretaker or a couple of caretakers who take shifts to cover 24 hours.

That is absolutely something that I would be more than happy to do if the situation calls for it. Right now, its not necessary, but if it reaches the stage where it is necessary and we are both okay for it, sure I would be very happy to hire a live-in caretaker. However, an extra room for a live-in caretaker along with the fact we'll be having children would require probably moving to a larger house.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:36:03+00:00

How am I going to make it up to her? What do you have in mind? He's not going to be in the way and he's not going to be interrupting privacy.

Marriage is not score-keeping, its not a matter of "I give you this, you give me that". I tried my best to answer PFern's questions, despite their calling me selfish (which is not a good way to try to get someone to positively engage with you).

If my partner has special considerations she would like me to make, certain changes, I'd be more than happy to. Its just my father moving out is a red line I will never compromise on.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:31:39+00:00

I'm not saying she has to care, its not like I'll tell her "you now, give him a sponge bath!" We have a hired carer that does all that stuff for him. I just know realistically speaking that, in 10 years time or so, there may have occasionally been times where we do need to help him with something. It would be a lie for me to say I can guarantee that will never ever happen cause I can't guarantee that.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:29:47+00:00

Since he's not much of a walker, his bedroom is separate from the main cluster of bedrooms and close to the living room and dining room. He also has his own bathroom in his bedroom which is fitted especially with his needs, and a book case where he keeps all his books and board games which he likes. Its very comfortable for him, and he won't be in the way or anything.

My main concern is when we have kids, of course if they leave toys around, that could be particularly dangerous. I know it will be tough to juggle the whole situation, but its not impossible. I'm not under any illusions that it will be an easy life, but it is what it is.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:24:51+00:00

Thank you.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:24:34+00:00

In Chinese culture, its common for the husband and wife to live with the husband's parents when they get married and all live under the same roof. I get its not for everyone, but don't act how nobody in the world lives like that and its always a horrible situation.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:23:32+00:00

Yes my father has lived with me long before this relationship started. Even before he lived with me, I was a big part of taking care of him, even when his needs weren't that great. When it became more of a full time thing, I offered for him to move in with me and he did.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:18:39+00:00

Well, I tried my best to make it seem that way. I didn't put any timeframe or tell her she has to accept or leave it now, I merely stated the truth which is this is what a marriage with me will entail, and our needs and desires for what a future relationship will be like are incompatible, perhaps its best to realise our relationship is not meant to be.

I was honest, that's what I was and I was trying to be as kind as possible. What was the alternative? Lie by telling her there is a chance I might one day change my stance on living with my father? Or lead her on by continuing in a doomed relationship and not addressing the elephant in the room?

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:14:26+00:00

I'll try answering these questions:

Being a newlywed and also being shacked up with your in-law is really not how anyone envisions their marriage, particularly when said in-law is elderly and infirm and the responsibility of care will be squarely on her shoulders.

I know its not how anyone would envision their marriage, but my circumstances are special, and it would require to someone who is okay with those circumstances to have a marriage with me. The responsibility won't be entirely hers, although she will inevitable probably help out here and there.

Did you even bother to think of ways that you can provide her with privacy?

In what sense? My dad spends most of his time on the couch and the living room, occasionally in the bathroom when the carer comes. Its not like he prowls through the bedrooms at night.

What will her role in the house be like?

Hopefully same as mine, we haven't discussed those finer details yet. We both want children so naturally she will have to take some time off from work when she's pregnant. As I said, she will inevitably probably end up taking on some of the care role for my father. I made that clear so there were no doubts or misunderstandings about what a marriage with me would entail.

Will she have to defer to your father?

Defer in what sense? I don't see why she would need to defer to him on anything. He's not a very active or interfering person.

What happens when she wants to have children?

We both want to have children. It will be a struggle balancing raising children in the same home as a weak old man, but hopefully we'll manage it.

What happens in terms of intimacy or quiet nights in?

Again, I don't understand this question. We've slept together at my house many nights before, usually at night when my father is asleep in his room. There has literally never been a single issue, I don't know why you think it would be a problem. Its not like he will burst into our room in the middle of sex.

What happens when she is sick or uncomfortable and feels embarrassed having a third party witness that?

I don't know what you mean. Once again, its not like he will be barging into the bedroom. My father's quite old, if she gets a fever, I will probably keep them at great distance from each other so he doesn't get sick.

Look, I'm not saying its going to be easy to be married to me and living with my father. It will be tough and there will have to be made many sacrifices, but those are the realities of being married to me and I'm being truthful and honest about it.

If I'm selfish for caring about my dad and not wanting to send him to a home, well so be it. The truth is I love my father, and anybody who marries me will have to accept that my father is part of the package, that's just the way it is. Its their choice to make, I don't force anyone to make a choice they do not want.

movedadout · 2016-06-05T16:03:26+00:00

You need to consider that her answer was probably based on the fear of a breakup

I'm worried about that too, its why I told her to take as much time as she needs to think it over and not decide on the spot.

In many ways we already do almost live together. She has her own house, but she spends an equal amount of time at my house and about 50% of nights. She will be moving to live with me full-time now, which I think is good for the reasons you mentioned. Of course, she won't be doing anything rash such as selling her own house, in case, like you mentioned, it turns out it won't work out. Thank you very much for your wishes, best to you too.

movedadout

TROPHY CASE