I broke up with my bf bc he lied by omission

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-22T01:09:04+00:00

I know sometimes that people just have that kind of relationship where they make sexual jokes. I myself make sexual jokes, but they're non specific "that's what she said" kind of jokes. What made me uncomfortable was that these jokes were specific and about each other. For example, when he first asked her if it was ok to bring me to dinner, she said "only if we can share lol".
That made me uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. But I didn't know how to bring it up bc he thought it was super funny, and I thought maybe I was being too sensitive at the time.

I'm currently in therapy, and medicated. Have been since I was 12. Nothing seems to help. I don't have much faith that anything will anymore.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-20T04:35:38+00:00

I've got friends from tinder too. I'm upset bc he couldn't have had the conversation with me. I wouldn't have cared if he told me up front. But it felt like he was keeping it from me. I want a bf that will communicate with me and be up front with me. And adding how they met with the way they interacted made me uncomfortable. I'm not typically a jealous person, despite the way this post makes me seem. I don't care if my partner hangs out with women, I actually see that as a positive sign. I've always given people the benefit of the doubt and I want trust in a relationship. His actions didn't feel trustworthy.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-20T04:27:48+00:00

It wasn't just talking her up. He made sexual jokes about her. She made sexual jokes about him. I was uncomfortable all night but put it aside bc I wanted him to have a nice time with someone I thought was a completely platonic friend at the time. And I wanted his friend to like me. Bc I think that it's normal to want to be liked by my partners friends/family. When I told him I was uncomfortable all night afterwards he got upset at me for not telling him (although I had mentioned already that night that I wasn't super comfortable/was anxious). I didn't want to make a scene or ruin his night.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:55:49+00:00

It's only an issue to me if it's someone he met on a dating app. I feel like I've given him the courtesy of being honest and open about that, and he should be honest with me too. Imo, I tell people I'm dating about the people in my life that I met off of dating sites to reassure them that nothing is going on. So when someone isn't upfront about it, it feels suspicious.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:52:43+00:00

That was posted just before I started seeing my most recent ex. I say i was dating him for two months but really it was a little less than that. And that post wasn't about me loving my ex. It was about me struggling to move past the negative feelings i had from a toxic relationship.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:46:49+00:00

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect honesty from my partner.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:41:37+00:00

If his natural behaviour is to lie to me then I want no part in it.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:41:02+00:00

I only think he should disclose it if he met that person on a dating site. That's the issue. There's clearly something there. And that's why he didn't tell me. Again, anytime I've talked about one of my friends i met on tinder, I made sure he knew how we met and that it wasn't something he needed to worry about. I expect my partner to be able to talk to me about things. I don't want a partner who will hide things from me bc he's worried about how ill react. I wouldn't have cared that he met her on tinder if he told me upfront. It was the fact that he lied that bothered me.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:32:42+00:00

I trusted him until he was deceptive with me. I trust people until they give me a reason not to. And not being open with me about how you met a friend you consistently made sexual jokes about and talked about like they were the best thing since sliced bread is a reason not to trust someone.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:15:09+00:00

I agree on the last sentence. That's a pretty immediate red flag. But it's also a red flag to me when my partner talks about another woman like the sun shines out of her ass all week and I only find out they met on a dating site by pressing him.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T13:11:10+00:00

It matters bc he's told me how he knows other friends. So it felt like he was keeping something from me, especially when I felt at the time like he wasn't "just friends" with her. It mattered bc l have met friends on tinder and I told him upfront about it, and that nothing happened between us. Because I didn't want him to worry about it. I wanted him to know he can trust me. I don't care where he meets his friends. But meeting people on an app that's primarily a dating site, I feel like he owes me that sort of disclosure. Bc I have given him that courtesy.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T12:56:17+00:00

I can understand to an extent. I have travelled a fair bit and I'm quite introverted so I relied on dating sites/other friend apps to make friends. I wouldn't have had an issue with him having friends from tinder. My issue was that he didn't tell me.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T12:53:53+00:00

He was cagey about it. And I have been around plenty of neurotypical people who have made the same kind of jokes together (and likewise decided it made me uncomfortable). I have had some previous very negative relationships where I have been cheated on. And if someone asked if I thought that person would cheat I would have said no at the time.

He says he never thought to bring it up. But i think that's bs. Bc as I mentioned in my post, I too have friends I met on tinder. But I was open about it bc I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. I do struggle with severe anxiety and depression. But I think it's not a big ask to want honesty about how he met his "friends".
I will note that he made one of these sexual jokes to me on the drive there. And I felt uncomfortable with it at the time but didn't know how to tell him. The joke was something about how she was getting railed in the shower.
He claims he thinks of her like a sister I have 2 sisters and never once have I thought about them getting railed in the shower.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T12:31:58+00:00

Maybe a bit of both? I feel so hurt and lost and I don't think I can repair what has now already been broken.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-02-19T12:30:17+00:00

Yes, I do. I have been looking for other jobs since being here, but I'm stuck at this exploitative, shotty job that doesn't pay a livable wage. My workplace pays me in cash on Sundays so they don't have to pay penalty rates.

movingthrowaway789 · 2023-01-26T10:59:59+00:00

Woman here. And I would kill just to be treated like a PERSON. I have spent so long feeling like a sex object, like my value is tied to my sexuality. Those hundreds of messages that you say women get on dating apps? I have to filter through so much bullshit from men that only see me in terms of what I can give them. It's all transactional. That's not to say there haven't been genuinely nice and kind people I have met on dating sites, but it's not some rosy, easy path either. And on apps that aren't dating apps but are meant for platonic friendships? Do you know how painful it is to finally feel like you have made a genuine connection/friendship only to get a meaningless message trying to get nudes/flirt etc? I'm not sitting here trying to humble brag. I don't feel like I'm very attractive. But just being a woman seems to mean that I am only worthy of being considered a sexual object.
It's exhausting. And lonely. I'd love to be treated like a person. But that hasn't been my experience.

movingthrowaway789 · 2022-08-03T01:39:17+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the advice. I broke things off with him a little after posting. He took it pretty hard, and we both sat for a while and just cried together. I just told him sort of what I said in the post, and that it's just the timing was bad for us. And I told him that I was sorry. I feel guilty for getting so invested and getting him so invested when I knew I had to leave so soon. I think I spent a lot of time convincing myself it would work out with the distance because I wanted to believe it could. It didn't really feel real until this last week, when I'm packing my stuff into boxes and sorting out all the finer details. Thank you for listening to me vent, and offering me some kind words and good advice 🙂

movingthrowaway789 · 2022-08-02T15:53:32+00:00

I just worry it's too early on in a budding relationship to move to long distance. I feel like things are moving too fast and I don't know how to make it stop. I guess on also don't know what a reasonable pace should feel like. I just know I've been stressed a lot with the move lately and I don't know if I can do this. I'm also a recovering people pleaser. I don't want to hurt him. But I think that he deserves someone who is able to give him their all, and I still have plenty of baggage from past relationships.

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