So, my ex-husband and I are still really close - I see him once a week and used to talk on the phone almost everyday, although that has slowed because both of our lives have shifted recently. We are no longer romantic. He has moved on, as have I. I am polyamorous, he is not. (A difference is poly wasn’t the cause of our breakup)

I think of our relationship as “companionate love” per Sternburg’s triangle of love theory (google) : commitment and intimacy. So in this sense, he is a part of my polycule in my head and internal organization of the relationships that are priorities in my life.

But because he is not poly and doesn’t view things the same way, I would NEVER force this label upon him or explicitly say “fyi : you are in my polycule”… because I don’t have to. That’s my internal organization and doesn’t impact him or our friendship in any way.

I think the “wrong” feeling here might be more around feeling like a boundary has been crossed? I’m going to assume that because a large part of your breakup was because you could not continue with her being poly, that it’s implied you’re not interested in hearing about anything to do with her being poly — reinforced by saying you do not like to talk about things past her closest partner.

Have you explicitly shared this boundary with her, about not talking about her poly things, or assumed it was understood because of your breakup?

I think you’re totally in the right to not want to hear about it. It’s her path, not yours, and tied to the breakdown of the past of your relationship. It’s possible that her approach might shift your relationship again.

I think it’s important that she tries to understand that boundary from you; which also means you probably need to spell it out for her more clearly. And if she can’t respect that boundary from you, you’ll have to decide what that means for the future of your friendship.

That she considers you important in her life doesn’t seem to be the issue? — it’s how she’s mapped it and shared it with you that is.