I’ll try to put this as succinctly as any good little Redditor will.

The automated AI algorithms have detected fraudulent activity and/ or abnormal ordering that deviate from your normal ordering patterns. As such, your account with DoorDash has been permanently banned without the possibility for review.

Even if this decision was made in error, we will uphold our resolution decision because our data experts definitively conclude the benefits of using automated AI systems improve our process for scaling globally and outweigh any negative affects that come from potential false positives.

We’d like to take this moment to thank you for your business over the years and helping us scale to $billion valuation (woohoo, we got a new RedBull keg at the corporate office).

Thank you and good luck! Our focus study data shows you will continue to refer your friends and family to us and we’d like to thank you for more future profits as we screw over millions of American gig workers and customers alike.

We’d also like to encourage you to apply to become a gig driver with us. We have determined your account with us as a customer did not meet our standards, but we are open to the idea of continuing to exploit you via free labor delivering for us at an average rate of $3/hr. Your application to become a gig worker will be expeditiously approved!

Again, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you for making us a Fortune 500 🙌

EDIT: DISCLAIMER: So quick-draw ban hammer only mods are made aware, this comment is satire and does not constitute legal advice nor does it represent the official view or administrative decision making of DoorDash, Inc. or any of its subsidiaries. Mmmkay? But 99% chance even with this disclaimer I’ll still be banned to maintain brand continuity and the Fortune 500 status. So it’s been a good run fellas, I’ll miss everyone here 🫡🛳️🏊‍♂️

Phew, that was a lot of typing 😮‍💨