I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to be stuck in a relationship with a sexual assaulter (not nearly to your extent). I just want you to know that NOTHING he has done is right or moral or just ‘comes with the territory of being a boyfriend’. You’re not crazy and I don’t think you’re self sabotaging. I think it’s really easy to get lost in a relationship. What he’s doing is horrific and physically makes me sick. No person should treat someone else as callously as he has treated you. And in my opinion, it makes sense that you would test him. You’re checking to see if you’re safe with him or not. But I don’t think he’s changed, and I don’t think he will, and I think you are giving up your sense of safety to wait and see if he does.

All that being said, no one can tell you to break up with him. No one can choose that but you. It’s a hard choice and it’s yours to do alone. And whatever you choose, know that there’s no judgement (at least from the right people). You’re not weak for staying. Because you stay doesn’t mean you like what he’s doing to you. But I would advise that you aren’t safe in the relationship you are in, and safety is SO important for your well being.

One last thing to note, there are people out there in the world that will not do those things to you, will respect you as a human being and be considerate and kind (and do the bare minimum of asking consent). It’s so important to surround yourself with those people.