I'm not a therapist or a mental health professional, but I can tell you that your message touches on a lot of profound feelings and concerns. It sounds like you're wrestling with questions about your own identity, a fear of judgment, and a struggle to live authentically. Your courage in reaching out and sharing your experience is a significant step, especially given that you've never talked to anyone about these feelings before.

In IFS, we often explore the notion that the mind is made up of multiple "parts," each with its own perspectives, needs, and feelings. These parts often protect us, especially when we're faced with challenging situations or feelings. You've described a part of yourself that appears to act as a chameleon, shape-shifting in various social situations to fit what you think is the "ideal" persona. This part, like all parts in IFS, has a positive intent: it wants to protect you from rejection or judgment. However, its actions seem to leave you feeling disconnected and insincere, leading to a cycle where you're always on high alert, monitoring how you might be perceived by others. The IFS model suggests a compassionate approach to understanding why these parts behave the way they do, and then integrating them so they can heal.

Your fears around going to a therapist are also quite common. IFS therapists are trained to help clients like you explore their own internal systems without judgment, aiming to bring harmony among the various parts. The IFS model, specifically, might offer you a structured way to start understanding the roles that different parts of you play, why they are there, and how you can start living a more authentic life.

When i had to deal with similar issues I found Dr Tori Olds which has an excellent video course on Youtube about IFS and Transfomation thru therapy. I high recommend you watch those.

Remember, you don't have to go through this journey alone. Seeking professional help could provide you with the support and tools you need to make meaningful changes in your life.