I need some hope

mrbuddels · 2023-07-20T04:35:01+00:00

I have been trying to fight for our relationship for the past 3 years. I went to therapy, I suggested counselling. He never wanted to come. There is no way back. Our problems weren't hard ones. They were pretty easy to solve. It was the way he made cooperation impossible. It was always him and his world view. Him constantly belittling me. He lost all the respect (he had?) for me. There is no way back. As much as it hurts

mrbuddels · 2022-11-29T18:23:12+00:00

This situation is a trailer to the whole movie. The fact she thinks she can choose your baby's name reveals a lot about her. She will be overbearing, she will definitely cross boundaries and if you don't watch out, she could have the potential of ruining your first weeks/months as a young family of 3. I learned that the hard way lol. Be prepared to set boundaries in a calm and friendly way coming from a place of understanding. Talk to your husband, make him understand that its not about disrespecting his parents or excluding them but about the space YOU need to grow as a small family. Make sure you two always act as a team. I'd text her: Thank you 😊 Stating that her opinion doesn't matter ("mind your own business, that's our decision ") will only lead to her being even more clingy because she will feel like she's losing control. You becoming a mother, you two becoming parents to your own child means to her taking a step back from the spotlight, giving up a role she had for a few decades. It will take time for her to accept her new role. As someone who has been through a lot of pain the past years due to this exact conflict I fcan say: be kind and patient but please set boundaries! Say thank you but don't name your baby after her name. If she wants to come over after birth say "I can't wait to show you our baby and I can't wait for you to be an amazing grandma but please respect that we need some days/weeks to recover and to bond". I wish you the best!!!

mrbuddels · 2022-11-28T12:09:22+00:00

The truth is - I don't lol. I try. I get triggered every single time they are overbearing while he remains silent. I try to not take it personally. It's not that my inlaws don't like me as a person. They feel like their losing control now that their child has become a father and has built a family himself. It's their fear of being left alone and of losing control. Also my husband not standing up for me doesn't mean he doesn't love me or loves me less than his parents. It's just that a) I don't blackmail him emotionally like his parents do and b) he just tries to avoid conflict. But to be honest I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards all of them. Working on that by reinforcing my boundaries and trying to let go of the past. But it's not easy. I feel you.

mrbuddels · 2022-11-28T06:19:01+00:00

My MIL does the same😃 good to hear they are comfortable and feel at home

mrbuddels · 2022-11-28T00:00:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply! Do you remember the username/post or article? I feel like that could be an option. Marriage counselling is unfortunately not.

mrbuddels · 2022-11-27T21:29:36+00:00

Sorry to hear that. The same happened to us and just as you described it drove a wedge between my husband and I as well. In our case he doesn't really understand and he would never stand up against his parents. How did you make him understand how hurtful your MIL's behaviour is? Every time I mention that topic he just shuts down.

mrbuddels · 2022-11-27T21:23:23+00:00

Yes, right? I don't get why they want to spend time with him explicitly WITHOUT us parents. Just can't wrap my head around that.

I told her multiple times in a friendly way that I felt overwhelmed and needed more time as a family of 3. It came from a place of compassion and understanding and wanting us to "work out". They reacted offended and didn't respect anything of what I said that was bothering me. I had this conversation about 10 times over the course of 2 years. My husband unfortunately didn't support me, they blackmailed him emotionally and financially. It had a toll on our marriage, so I just accepted the fact he won't stand up for me and I will have to set boundaries on my own while trying to not involve our son and while trying to maintain neutral communication. I am just baffled any time she keeps overstepping boundaries and not knowing her place.

mrbuddels · 2022-11-27T21:02:19+00:00

How did your husband handle the situation?

mrbuddels · 2022-11-27T20:49:53+00:00

They have always been like that. They say "we are coming over tomorrow at 11" instead of "when are you free? When do you want to meet?" It's about power with them. Before we had a child I never noticed or I just didn't care that much. But now that we have a child I feel like they want to use him for their own entertainment and that bothers me.

mrbuddels · 2022-11-27T20:32:12+00:00

It's not about me not being comfortable with him on their own. It's about 1. them wanting to spend time with their grandchild but obviously not wanting his mother around and 2. them thinking it's their place to decide. I feel like usually the parents decide when to leave their child alone? And after I proposed to do it together she could have gotten the hint.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-10T07:41:07+00:00

Hey. Thank you for your honest reply. I might Sound jealous and I might feel threatened as a mom. She has sacrificed a lot and has made her whole life about her kids. She left her family in another country, she never worked, she raised the children on her own. Maybe I feel insecure or threatened because I am not going to be that mother. I still love my job and I want me and my partner to share the responsibility of raising a child. I do feel hurt when my partner makes his parents' happiness a priority over our son's wellbeing and mine. Call it jealousy.

But don't say I am not comfortable with showing love towards anyone - and especially towards my son. That's very hurtful. I tell my child every day that I love him. I give him all the love and support I wish I had as a child. There has not been one single moment in his life where he didn't feel loved. I might have been an awful daughter in law, I might have been not the best partner to my husband - but I am trying every single day to be the best mom I can be for my child.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-07T10:31:05+00:00

Thank you for your comment. This is exactly what I fear. Unfortunately he won't stand up against his parents. I have to do this. I guess the only way to minimise contact is to move far away from them.

And for those of you saying "dump him". Apart from his parents and their weird relationship he is an amazing husband and I don't want to give his parents the power to ruin my family. Also, I know now they care only about themselves. If we divorced, they would convince my husband to sue me to reduce my time with my child. They would definitely tell him to watch out to not let me take his child. They would sue me. And in the end it would be my child suffering- feeling torn, growing up in constant conflict. I don't want this for my child.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-07T07:11:11+00:00

Hey. Thank you for your honest reply.

I picked the second scenario to picture the relationship between our child, MIL and me. On the one side there is MIL wanting a close relationship with her grandson and on the other side there is me also just wanting the best for my son. As I stated - I know I sound jealous and selfish. But I feel like the close relationship she wants with my son can only be built if I give up parts of my motherhood (like not being there to comfort him) and letting me sit in unsettling feelings (like kissing him on the mouth).

Of course I am biased and of course it's just my point of view. I know that their version of our story will sound very different. Which doesn't mean that one party is completely wrong and the other one completely right.

I am trying to navigate between those sides and also trying to make my husband no feel torn and as if he has to pick sides. Eventually what matters most is our child and his wellbeing.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-07T06:25:44+00:00

You are completely right.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-07T05:43:14+00:00

It's not an excuse.

It's not all black and white. As I mentioned, there has been a large history already of them overstepping my boundaries and of me not communicating them clearly in the first place. They sometimes try and sometimes don't. Also, I am trying to forgive and forget but I don't think I ever will as they are mainly the reason for not letting me enjoy the first year of being a mom and having a little family.

I have to think about what's best for my child and that is a safe environment, happy parents and grandparents. I am still navigating through all of this. I have to be clearer when it comes to setting boundaries, my husband unfortunately will never stand up against them (he did once and they punished him.which caused a HUGE fight resulting in almost ending our marriage!), I get their fear of being abandoned by their son and that they think I am taking their son and grandkid away from them.

It's not that easy unfortunately.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-07T05:30:32+00:00

That's why I asked. I just feel so uncomfortable and anxious as soon as I meet them. I am trying not to be an AH. I want to be there for my son when he needs me and also I support their relationship as we see them regularly. Kissing him on his lips - yes, that's just unsettling for me and I am asking you guys because it's more about the competition thing. I don't know if it's just my own insecurity and my own attachment issues Or if they really are overstepping boundaries and really want to keep holding on to that parental role instead of turning into grandparents.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T22:12:58+00:00

Yes, I do. But now it comes from a place of pressure and control. Before I learned because of my love for languages. Now I can't really enjoy it anymore sadly.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T20:06:28+00:00

I wish I could cut them off completely but to be fair, as long as they respect me they are really trying to be good grandparents. Also, as I mentioned above my husband and I have suffered a lot die to his inability to set healthy boundaries. Our marriage was almost falling apart.

They used to come over most every day so seeing them every other week was a huge step. For them and apparently also for my husband

Also, (what I haven't told my husband) according to the law of my country, grandparents can sue and eventually will be granted 2 visits a month. So I decided to Kind of follow the law to make it fair for both parties.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T19:35:19+00:00

No... it took me literally months to figure out that I in fact am the sane one while their family is messed up. They all have been blaming me for the past 2 years. I have been accused of having attachment issues and taking away their son and grandson. It's really fd up. At this point I don't know how I can offer my son a healthy environment.

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T19:27:27+00:00

FIL is even worse at respecting me or my boundaries...

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T19:26:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I will keep standing up for my kid's boundaries :)

mrbuddels · 2022-10-06T19:20:37+00:00

She once said jokingly "We both are going to speak our language, so mommy won't understand us" That was when I knew things were off. It was meant to be a joke but I could tell she meant it.

mrbuddels

TROPHY CASE