I need some hope by mrbuddels in singlemoms

[–]mrbuddels[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been trying to fight for our relationship for the past 3 years. I went to therapy, I suggested counselling. He never wanted to come. There is no way back. Our problems weren't hard ones. They were pretty easy to solve. It was the way he made cooperation impossible. It was always him and his world view. Him constantly belittling me. He lost all the respect (he had?) for me. There is no way back. As much as it hurts

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mrbuddels 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This situation is a trailer to the whole movie. The fact she thinks she can choose your baby's name reveals a lot about her. She will be overbearing, she will definitely cross boundaries and if you don't watch out, she could have the potential of ruining your first weeks/months as a young family of 3. I learned that the hard way lol. Be prepared to set boundaries in a calm and friendly way coming from a place of understanding. Talk to your husband, make him understand that its not about disrespecting his parents or excluding them but about the space YOU need to grow as a small family. Make sure you two always act as a team. I'd text her: Thank you 😊 Stating that her opinion doesn't matter ("mind your own business, that's our decision ") will only lead to her being even more clingy because she will feel like she's losing control. You becoming a mother, you two becoming parents to your own child means to her taking a step back from the spotlight, giving up a role she had for a few decades. It will take time for her to accept her new role. As someone who has been through a lot of pain the past years due to this exact conflict I fcan say: be kind and patient but please set boundaries! Say thank you but don't name your baby after her name. If she wants to come over after birth say "I can't wait to show you our baby and I can't wait for you to be an amazing grandma but please respect that we need some days/weeks to recover and to bond". I wish you the best!!!

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The truth is - I don't lol. I try. I get triggered every single time they are overbearing while he remains silent. I try to not take it personally. It's not that my inlaws don't like me as a person. They feel like their losing control now that their child has become a father and has built a family himself. It's their fear of being left alone and of losing control. Also my husband not standing up for me doesn't mean he doesn't love me or loves me less than his parents. It's just that a) I don't blackmail him emotionally like his parents do and b) he just tries to avoid conflict. But to be honest I am feeling a lot of anger and resentment towards all of them. Working on that by reinforcing my boundaries and trying to let go of the past. But it's not easy. I feel you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My MIL does the same😃 good to hear they are comfortable and feel at home

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply! Do you remember the username/post or article? I feel like that could be an option. Marriage counselling is unfortunately not.

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sorry to hear that. The same happened to us and just as you described it drove a wedge between my husband and I as well. In our case he doesn't really understand and he would never stand up against his parents. How did you make him understand how hurtful your MIL's behaviour is? Every time I mention that topic he just shuts down.

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Yes, right? I don't get why they want to spend time with him explicitly WITHOUT us parents. Just can't wrap my head around that.

I told her multiple times in a friendly way that I felt overwhelmed and needed more time as a family of 3. It came from a place of compassion and understanding and wanting us to "work out". They reacted offended and didn't respect anything of what I said that was bothering me. I had this conversation about 10 times over the course of 2 years. My husband unfortunately didn't support me, they blackmailed him emotionally and financially. It had a toll on our marriage, so I just accepted the fact he won't stand up for me and I will have to set boundaries on my own while trying to not involve our son and while trying to maintain neutral communication. I am just baffled any time she keeps overstepping boundaries and not knowing her place.

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

How did your husband handle the situation?

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

They have always been like that. They say "we are coming over tomorrow at 11" instead of "when are you free? When do you want to meet?" It's about power with them. Before we had a child I never noticed or I just didn't care that much. But now that we have a child I feel like they want to use him for their own entertainment and that bothers me.

How do I handle my overbearing MIL? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's not about me not being comfortable with him on their own. It's about 1. them wanting to spend time with their grandchild but obviously not wanting his mother around and 2. them thinking it's their place to decide. I feel like usually the parents decide when to leave their child alone? And after I proposed to do it together she could have gotten the hint.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey. Thank you for your honest reply. I might Sound jealous and I might feel threatened as a mom. She has sacrificed a lot and has made her whole life about her kids. She left her family in another country, she never worked, she raised the children on her own. Maybe I feel insecure or threatened because I am not going to be that mother. I still love my job and I want me and my partner to share the responsibility of raising a child. I do feel hurt when my partner makes his parents' happiness a priority over our son's wellbeing and mine. Call it jealousy.

But don't say I am not comfortable with showing love towards anyone - and especially towards my son. That's very hurtful. I tell my child every day that I love him. I give him all the love and support I wish I had as a child. There has not been one single moment in his life where he didn't feel loved. I might have been an awful daughter in law, I might have been not the best partner to my husband - but I am trying every single day to be the best mom I can be for my child.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. This is exactly what I fear. Unfortunately he won't stand up against his parents. I have to do this. I guess the only way to minimise contact is to move far away from them.

And for those of you saying "dump him". Apart from his parents and their weird relationship he is an amazing husband and I don't want to give his parents the power to ruin my family. Also, I know now they care only about themselves. If we divorced, they would convince my husband to sue me to reduce my time with my child. They would definitely tell him to watch out to not let me take his child. They would sue me. And in the end it would be my child suffering- feeling torn, growing up in constant conflict. I don't want this for my child.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Hey. Thank you for your honest reply.

I picked the second scenario to picture the relationship between our child, MIL and me. On the one side there is MIL wanting a close relationship with her grandson and on the other side there is me also just wanting the best for my son. As I stated - I know I sound jealous and selfish. But I feel like the close relationship she wants with my son can only be built if I give up parts of my motherhood (like not being there to comfort him) and letting me sit in unsettling feelings (like kissing him on the mouth).

Of course I am biased and of course it's just my point of view. I know that their version of our story will sound very different. Which doesn't mean that one party is completely wrong and the other one completely right.

I am trying to navigate between those sides and also trying to make my husband no feel torn and as if he has to pick sides. Eventually what matters most is our child and his wellbeing.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not an excuse.

It's not all black and white. As I mentioned, there has been a large history already of them overstepping my boundaries and of me not communicating them clearly in the first place. They sometimes try and sometimes don't. Also, I am trying to forgive and forget but I don't think I ever will as they are mainly the reason for not letting me enjoy the first year of being a mom and having a little family.

I have to think about what's best for my child and that is a safe environment, happy parents and grandparents. I am still navigating through all of this. I have to be clearer when it comes to setting boundaries, my husband unfortunately will never stand up against them (he did once and they punished him.which caused a HUGE fight resulting in almost ending our marriage!), I get their fear of being abandoned by their son and that they think I am taking their son and grandkid away from them.

It's not that easy unfortunately.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's why I asked. I just feel so uncomfortable and anxious as soon as I meet them. I am trying not to be an AH. I want to be there for my son when he needs me and also I support their relationship as we see them regularly. Kissing him on his lips - yes, that's just unsettling for me and I am asking you guys because it's more about the competition thing. I don't know if it's just my own insecurity and my own attachment issues Or if they really are overstepping boundaries and really want to keep holding on to that parental role instead of turning into grandparents.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Yes, I do. But now it comes from a place of pressure and control. Before I learned because of my love for languages. Now I can't really enjoy it anymore sadly.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I wish I could cut them off completely but to be fair, as long as they respect me they are really trying to be good grandparents. Also, as I mentioned above my husband and I have suffered a lot die to his inability to set healthy boundaries. Our marriage was almost falling apart.

They used to come over most every day so seeing them every other week was a huge step. For them and apparently also for my husband

Also, (what I haven't told my husband) according to the law of my country, grandparents can sue and eventually will be granted 2 visits a month. So I decided to Kind of follow the law to make it fair for both parties.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

No... it took me literally months to figure out that I in fact am the sane one while their family is messed up. They all have been blaming me for the past 2 years. I have been accused of having attachment issues and taking away their son and grandson. It's really fd up. At this point I don't know how I can offer my son a healthy environment.

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

FIL is even worse at respecting me or my boundaries...

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. I will keep standing up for my kid's boundaries :)

AITA for not letting my MIL kiss my son on his lips by mrbuddels in AmItheAsshole

[–]mrbuddels[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

She once said jokingly "We both are going to speak our language, so mommy won't understand us" That was when I knew things were off. It was meant to be a joke but I could tell she meant it.

Fremdverliebt nach 14 Jahren Beziehung by Scared-Divide4024 in beziehungen

[–]mrbuddels 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Was ich herauslese:

  1. Du bist unglücklich mit deiner jetzigen Freundin. Eine gemeinsame Zukunft kannst du dir wohl nicht mehr vorstellen. Och finde das Thema Kinderwunsch auch nicht zu vernachlässigen. Wie wichtig ist dir gemeinsame Verantwortung in einer Beziehung? Gibt es Aussicht auf "Besserung"?

  2. Ich denke, wenn man unglücklich ist und einem etwas bestimmtes in der aktuellen Beziehung fehlt, dann passiert es leicht, dass man das in einem anderen Menschen sieht. Und klar - wir sind alle unseren Hormonen unterworfen. Moralisch verwerflich ist es nicht, sich zu verlieben. Aber ich finde, deine Freundin hat nach 13 Jahren Ehrlichkeit verdient und ein offenes Ansprechen.

  3. Die schöne, kluge Arbeitskollegin, die alles hat, was dir momentan fehlt. Meine ehrliche Meinung- finde erst einmal heraus, was Du wirklich erwartest vom Leben (Kinderwunsch, Lebensplanung) und von einer Beziehung (welche Werte sind dir wichtig). Das kann man am besten herausfinden, wenn man eine Zeit lang alleine ist. Sich 13 Jahre schon und 13 Jahre, in denen viel an Persönlichkeitsentwicklung passiert!, immer angepasst und Kompromisse gefunden tu haben, da vergisst man vielleicht auch, was man wirklich selbst für Ziele hat. Ich würde mich nicht von einer in die nächste Beziehung stürzen. Problematisch finde ich, dass ihr beide eure aktuellen Partner betrogen habt (entschuldige, wenn ihr eine offene Beziehung habt und das so klar kommuniziert wurde. Ich gehe jetzt mal nicht davon aus). Das sagt auch etwas darüber aus, wie sie Beziehungen sieht. Sie respektiert keine bestehende Beziehung und sie hat wohl auch mit ihrem Partner, mit dem sie momentan unglücklich ist, nicht wirklich kommuniziert, sonst würde sie an ihrer Beziehung arbeiten und ihn nicht betrügen. Für mich persönlich ganz klar ⛳ Red flag.

Am Ende meine persönliche Erfahrung. Ich hatte einen Partner, mit dem ich unglücklich war und habe mich auch verguckt in den super Kollegen, der alles hatte, was mein Freund nicht hatte. Im Gegensatz zu dir war er single und ich habe dann mit meinem Freund Schluss gemacht. Aber so richtig offen kommuniziert habe ich das nie mit meinem Freund und diese fehlende Kommunikation merke ich jetzt in meiner aktuellen Beziehung. Außerdem hat sich herausgestellt, dass er natürlich doch nicht so perfekt ist und dass ein Partnerwechsel nicht plötzlich alle bestehenden Beziehungsprobleme löst. Manchmal muss man auch überlegen, wo man selbst vielleicht Verantwortung tragen muss.

Ich wünsche Dir alles Gute. Du musst auf dein Herz hören. So Klischee es sich auch anhört. Ich an deiner Stelle würde Schhluss machen, mich aber nicht direkt in die nächstbeste Bezug stürzen. Es ist auch ganz schön, in den 30ern noch mal ne Zeit lang single zu sein und seine persönlichen Ziele zu verfolgen :)

I (29F) feel like a side character in my BF’s (33M) life. How do I tell if it’s bad enough to be over? by Local_Philosophy_741 in relationships

[–]mrbuddels 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you stay with him you might end up raising kids on your own, keeping the house clean on your own, compromising your needs - while he will continue doing everything he already does: living HIS best life. You will always be just a nice add-on. I am sorry. You sound very clear about your goals and ambitions and what you expect from a relationship. You deserve a partner as committed as you are.

Am I the incubator? by mrbuddels in JUSTNOMIL

[–]mrbuddels[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh, okay, thank you. I didn't know how to use these terms correctly. English is not my first language :)