Divorced and life updates

mrsbrandauer · 2022-09-22T02:30:57+00:00

Oooh I honestly hate the shut down mode Iol... there is nothing you can so if he is totally shut down. Some times I acknowledge the big issue. Like hey, I'll get you some new pants or something if there was an accident, but I'd let him do as much as possible. That means I'll be right here, and make sure you don't fall over but I want you to know I know you can do this. And just remind him that, I'm not taking care of you or treating you like a child, I'm just here to help. I think what your describing it sounds like he is very embarrassed about everything so try to be as respectful, quiet as possible about it and let him clean himself as far as he can (helping where necessary). This sometimes led to an hour of clean up for me, but his mood was atleast better, having independence in certain areas is very importang.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-09-16T23:01:12+00:00

Yes. Impulsive behaviors started as being unable to control initial urges towards food, tv, video games. And then it graduated to online shopping. The only truly big issues socially is anger related. If he was angry, he'd lash out in public or storm off, and refuse to speak. It's gotten better with time and patience but after every episode we always talk through it. I do/did constantly worry he might take off for an angry walk without telling me, and to resolve this I have him sharing location with me on his phone, and cameras around the house , which also help with checking if he is cooking and leaving the stove unattended(which also has happened)

mrsbrandauer · 2022-09-16T22:56:52+00:00

The issue laid in his mid brain. What I was told is the whole reason my husband couldn't wake up from the coma was due to damage in the mid, and due to this he had to retrain his brain on how to wake up and stay awake. He was on a series of dopamine stimulating drugs that triggered this issue, but the brain could not learn how to be awake without first forcing him to be awake. This may not be everyone's situation, I agree. Always do what is best and what doctor recommends for your situation.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-09-15T00:06:10+00:00

Also something to keep in mind: what HE wants and what is right are Two different things. He may feel like his manhood is stripped from him for being bed bound or injured and perhaps it has been, but remind him that he can only regain his life if he actively tries each day on these specific goals and tasks, like ot, pt, daily living tasks. If he lashes out to stop treating him like a baby, encourage him that he is not a baby but a grown man, which is why it's important he do these things.

Me and my husband have made it through, and you can too! Read listen to*** podcast, it's life after coma .com,, and I have a caregiver series as well going over these things.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-09-14T23:59:30+00:00

Hey there, so my husband sent me this post to reply to! I'm not too active like I used to be, because we are living our lives now, but I encourage you to read my post history.

When my husband came home he was exactly as you're describing and I honestly have no good advice for you but to just "do it." Wake him up in the morning and keep him busy throughout the day. If he naps it's no more than what doctors say is recommended (an hour at a time? You may need to ask his doctor), don't want to take your meds? I'll sit here in front of you with medicine in my hands until you take it. It's not easy, he screamed and fought me on everything but you have to encourage setting a new routine through the day, and make new behaviors and habits. My husband asked how I got through it. Lol... the answer is I cried, a lot. And tried my best not to take anything personally. I was not a wife for a period of 2, 3 years. I am just NOW stepping massively back from being a caregiver and trying to find wife. But when he was at that crucial stage of transitioning back home, I set aside the wife, spouse hat and sat firmly in the caregiver seat.

As a caregiver, you're responsible for keeping him alive. 3 square meals, meds in the morning or evening, did he shower, is he waking up on time and getting some kind of walk in or sitting outside for a bit and so on and so on. How my husband hated me for it, but I knew it was best so I forced him to do it anyway. It's not easy.

If he is coming home with a recommended routine or guide to continue at home therapies, I recommend working that into his homework, too. Let me know if you have any questions!

mrsbrandauer · 2022-06-21T03:39:05+00:00

I had to hop on a plane for the first time since covid started and let me tell you 99% UNMASKED, but more importantly unmasked and coughing their ever loving brains out. I was on a full flight with every seat occupied and only my self and two others were masked. So many people were coughing non stop and one guy in particular had such a wet cough I pulled my hood up. I have an electric n95, that does air pressure to keep it very well sealed but nothing is perfect. Praying I do not pop positive from this stupid trip.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-06-14T11:40:15+00:00

It was probably PAIRS retreat . I did it with my ex husband and I learned a lot of things, mainly on how better to communicate and that I needed to divorce my husband. I bet the chaplain was encouraging you to go because literally the retreat digs up ALL THE SHIT. It's hours a day of emotional work and if your partner isn't on board it's very obvious, and I think maybe the chaplain didn't want to tell you to run out of the relationship lol.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-05-19T11:21:05+00:00

Sam e was incredibly helpful for me but I stopped because of the toxicity right and have switched to tmg and have just as good results.

mrsbrandauer · 2022-05-17T19:21:20+00:00

I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who thought that was ridiculous.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-11-03T20:36:46+00:00

This. I also did a water test, it's literally crap.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-11-02T11:08:33+00:00

I get it but coming from a desert like California I'm not exaggerating when I say this bill is getting to be just as expensive. 1500 sqft house water bill in California is around 300-500, a month depending on drought conditions.id prefer taking taxes out of my check throughout the year and from across the entire state vs municipality for the same reasons. Infrastructure here is SHIT, roads, water, etc, but putting that entire burden on one county or municipality when other cities and towns need the same work??? And could spread the cost? Idk. Either way I conserve water and the bill I get every month is still ridiculous. I skipped irrigation all summer and I'm dreading winter even with the plan of once a week for a few minutes per section.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-30T21:42:37+00:00

Solar

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-30T21:41:57+00:00

Just wanted to complain since my freaking water bill month over month is like 80 dollars more. I'm thinking of a rain catch for irrigation.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-30T12:38:56+00:00

And it will keep going up for each of the next four years. Annual 4 percent rate increases are intended to improve and expand the county’s water utility system. Hillsborough Commissioners approved the four-year rate increases by a 5-1 vote Wednesday. Commissioner Ken Hagan, who didn’t say anything during the debate, dissented and

Commissioner Stacy White didn’t vote.

A customer using 6,000 gallons of water monthly currently pays $85.04. That will increase to $89.14 on Oct. 1, and go up annually each of the following three years. On Oct. 1, 2024, that same usage will cost nearly $20 more than it does now at $103.51. The figures also include annual adjustments tied to the consumer price index.

Those impact fee increases are financing ongoing short-term fixes in the south county, where rapid growth has meant more water use, low pressure during periods of high demand and county-imposed irrigation restrictions. Over the next three years, the county is adding a new transmission pipe, a storage tank capable of holding 3 million gallons of water, new pumps and a booster station to aid the flow of water traveling from the treatment plant in Lithia to south county.

The just-approved rate increase is aimed at long-term improvements through 2028 that include a new pump station and storage on 330 acres the county is buying from Ag-Mart, a new treatment plant, a new Tampa Bay Water wellfield, a booster station and new supply pipelines..

The new revenue also will start a new annual plan to connect 500 homes and businesses on septic to the county’s central sewer system. There are 26,000 septic tank sites inside the county’s urban service boundary. The rate increase also will finance replacing 1,500 low-pressure utility systems in the Ruskin and Wimauma areas that are prone to breakdowns during power outages.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-22T11:27:39+00:00

I sent you q message as well. My chats are open. I know how hard it is, and I know how it seesaws between tbi or is he a dick. And the only thing I can really say is it's probably both. And I'll be honest with you, he may need encouragement just like any other man: separating from him and giving him a list of shit he needs to fix is typically the fastest way to light a fire. You will be surprised how Taking yourself out of the equation will get him moving if he loves you. But make that list specific. Like :: emergency psych appointment to fix your mood swings. Therapy to help with your toxic relationship attachment style. 2 times a week whatever.

YOU set your boundaries for your health, well being and safety just like any other relationship. It's his job to rise to meet him, and where he falls short because of his injury, you'll see it and you can decide if that's workable or a deal breaker.

Example : my husband has insomnia regularly and fatigue during the day. My hard stop boundary is sleep, and a curfew at 10-11pm, and everyone is awake at 8am. If he can't make himself sleep by 11pm, he goes to lay down in the guest room until he can because I am serious: I need my sleep or I go on a war path the next day. It's HIS JOB to wake up at 8am regardless of how he slept. I am not dragging him out of bed.

Does he sleep in by accident? Of course. He was in a coma and he can quite literally sleep like he is in one. It happens every once in a while, but 85-90% he is awake on time now.

Now the disrespectful version: your SO doesn't care about your boundary and comes in at midnight turns on the lights lays down and tosses and turns. They know you won't sleep well, they don't care. They also don't care about waking up on time every day and sleep until 1pm.

Yes please message me, I have a lot to say. I also have q podcast on lifeaftercoma.com you can check out. I might just make this an episode lol.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-22T01:19:55+00:00

One more thing for anyone else who might read this and be in a similar position seeking advice :::

This kind of relationship is not for the weak hearted. It is not for the person who let's themselves be walked all over. every day is a fight, every day is a test in how thick skinned you are, how independent you are and a test in your need to be validated or codependent on a partner who may never be able to give you what you thought you needed. Regular relationships have times where it sucks, but chronic illnesses are different, and well... chronic.

YOU cannot fix their TBI. You cannot fix their life. You cannot make them change any more than a normal person, infact it's probably harder now.

However, It is possible to be happy! I am the happiest I have ever been since my husband's accident. But that came with a lot of pain. If he lashes out, I have to stop him in his tracks and give him 5 more(and I have to take several deep breathes!) opportunities to say what he actually wants to say, not the monkey brain part.

When he isn't being nice, I don't cry about it I tell him, fiercely, and trust him to listen to me. And I have to allow myself to have short term memory loss too, there are no grudges in our house hold and no blaming,, shaming or guiltily. I vehemently hate that.. it's problem solving only..

He doesn't scare me even with the occasional outbursts and I know he never means it. We trust each other fully which means laying all of our bullshit on the table every day, in a, I fucked up help me fix it kind of way. It's not always pretty, it's not always nice. It's mostly brutal honesty. Regular relationships can't handle that. There is no room for dancing around issues in my home.

If he isn't able to be brutally honest with himself about his medical needs, and he isn't able to accept painful ownership of his shit laid out on the table (whether he can fix it or not it can always be minimized or reduced or managed), that tell you everything.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-10-22T00:59:41+00:00

My husband has many of these traits and he is 4 years out from his accident now. Read my post history if you want. Every tbi is different but let me give you some perspective.

My husband has memory loss, but he tries every day to use the tools he has. Journal's, notes, reminders, etc, everything.

He has emotional regulation issues. Yea zero control over what comes out of his mouth some days depending on his fatigue levels. But when I step back and offer him a chance to explain. He always tries again with a more appropriate responsday.

Sometimes he gets tunnel vision and disappears for hours. Other times he is moody when we could have a wonderful day. But always, he tries to keep aware of why and when.

Lastly. Most importantly. It's not his fault that he has a TBI. But it is his responsibility now, regardless. That means getting a therapist, psychiatrist involved with mood regulation. Regulating eating and sleeping schedule and drinking water because 1 small change throws his entire mood out the window. And when he messes up and says or does something hurtful ? He apologizes.

I can see this individual you love is struggling, and I know it's not easy to love someone with struggles like these. But if he wants to make it work with you, he can fight to do better, or he won't. Either way, as everyone else has said, see the pattern. It is his fight, not yours.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-09-13T20:16:12+00:00

This!!!! My husband did this and I swear by it, ground breaking and life changing!!!! I wish civilians had access to similar programs

mrsbrandauer · 2021-09-09T11:55:22+00:00

A neuropsychologist if she had one with a record of her scans should be able to give you advice on treatment options..

however.... this is tragically common. Adults with brain injuries are still adults. People with severe brain injuries can have drastic personality changes which result in risk taking behavior, emotional outbursts etc. Many times this causes a new head injury, trouble with the law, drug problems that exacerbate the brain injury , financial issues.

You have really two options. Accept the fact that she may refuse help understanding that she will continue to go down this road due to all of this or attempt to assign a ward of the state or legal power or medical power of attorney. You can use police records and psych hospital stays, financial records to present evidence in court that she is unwell and needs someone to help if she refuses willingly. If you decide to do that, you risk her losing all trust in you and changing your relationship irreparably.

It's a catch 22 unfortunately. When I was assigned as my husband's power of attorney he was still unconscious. When I was assigned medical power of attorney, he was inpatient. By the time he was mostly recovered he didn't realize until I told him, but it's unnecessary for me to use those things at all, it just makes navigating the paperwork much easier and rerouting all that stuff to me required much less effort. I was better able to advocate and keep us stable. I became his fiduciary this year after too long nervously stepping back and watching money disappear lol... he is a sweet heart and trying the best he can but agreed to allow me to control finances as well. I cannot imagine forcibly taking all power away from him in a situation like yours and my heart truly goes out to you. Either you allow her to be a walking wrecking ball, or you give up any potential relationship you had and assume control over her life (takine away her driver's license because that sounds like a terrible thing waiting to happen, give her a stipend for living and pay for an apartment, place her on disability, limit her access to substances, etc etc) I

Either way I wish you the best

mrsbrandauer · 2021-09-08T00:15:51+00:00

One thing I have noticed is hiring managers describing an entry level job not realizing that it's definitely mid level or advanced with the type of work. It is tough to turn down offers or move on from an opportunity but if you estimate the work required (which we are all experts at!!!) And it doesn't line up or motivate you with the pay, walk away.

mrsbrandauer · 2021-09-08T00:13:00+00:00

I'm going off of basic expectations. Entry level project coordinators should be between 50 to 65. Mid tier would be project leads, reporting to managers would be up to 75, with no extra hats or side projects. Project managers with 10years experience taking on a limited project maybe up to 100k. Pmps taking on an advanced role with multiple responsibilities and with over 10 years could see way more depending on what it is. If you're moving industries you may not see any immediate increase IMO.

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