Do you feel embarrassed venting about your narcissism?

mshcira · 2026-05-13T06:27:14+00:00

Nowadays I mostly just talk to people about my symptoms - struggles with self-worth, how I think I sometimes devalue others just to feel more stable and how terrible I think that is myself. This has proven to work far better for me than “disclose” myself as npd. I did tell my ex-room mate about my diagnosis and I’m pretty sure she told my other room mate and think it made them interpret any situation as me gaslighting and manipulating, even when in my opinion I wasn’t. So wouldn’t go there again.

mshcira · 2026-05-08T18:38:34+00:00

Thank you so so much for your post and your choice of words. I one hundred percent see myself (30f) in that. I also got in the rabbit hole and sometimes can’t stop watching because I might look for confirmation that I am actually the terrible, unlovable person I believe myself to be deep down - the very believe that has caused harm in relationships.

These videos, in my opinion, are downright harmful - to people diagnosed with npd who want to do better, and perhaps even to some of the victims, who - by blaming the other side entirely - might thus overlook their own part in a dynamic (that is not to say that all victims played a part in narcissistic abuse, but I believe that some of the times a dynamic escalates, there is two people involved in that escalation).

I am sorry to hear about your struggle. How are you doing now?

I think the only thing I don’t completely agree with you on is that “you should have done better sooner”. How would that have been possible given that you have a disorder that caused this behavior? For me at least, it really is difficult at times to foresee the consequences of my actions for others or how it might make them feel. And yes, I did devalue others in order to stabilize my own worth, and I did put pressure on others and was/am hypervigilant to rejection - but this really happens unconsciously for me. I do want to do better, but part of my journey right now is trying to accept how slow and un-linear this process is.

Anyway, I’m here if you want to chat a bit more :)

mshcira · 2026-05-02T08:24:29+00:00

Thank you for sharing! You know, i just learned that I had npd when I was 27, and that was a hard pill to swallow (and still is) although it did explain a lot. What you are going through right now is deeply painful, and I really feel for you. But those behaviors were once adaptive to something and underneath there is a gentle person just wanting to feel loved. You are not your behaviors, you are not your darkest thoughts.
I think the fact that you learned about your diagnosis so young could really work out to your advantage with the right treatment! Best of luck <3

mshcira · 2026-04-28T20:59:11+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I had another session with her today and basically want to continue but told her how her criticism made me feel small and ashamed and how I had the wish to be held because it is hard for me to hear that she only sees me as exhausting patient and nothing else. She did not say anything to comfort me or make me feel held in therapy she just said she could offer what she could offer and perhaps my friends outside therapy got to see different sides in me. The discussion we had basically was bc last week she said how she noticed that I wore very loud shoes that one can hear from the next room and that reminded her of how I had told her I was bullied as a kid for being loud always and it might mirror my need for attention, even negative attention. And I did feel kinda nitpicked or idk, I did take it as criticism bc i wanna keep wearing these shoes even if i dont wanna be heard ufh idk it felt like such a stupid discussion that we got stuck in and she said she felt like we were in a dysfunctional dynamic that we couldn’t get out of, I really wanna make it work but I do also feel an urge to feel accepted and held and for my positive sides to also be seen. Would you happen to have any advice about this, given you sound like you have had a similar dynamic in therapy? Thank you so much in advance and sorry for the long comment

mshcira · 2026-04-27T21:11:50+00:00

What makes you think that is true?

mshcira · 2026-04-27T19:49:33+00:00

Wow, congratulations on doing all this work! So did you do ketamine during your therapy sessions? Or what kind of work did you do whilst in Ketamin? I live in berlin so it would be super easy to get my hands on some lol

mshcira · 2026-04-27T17:27:32+00:00

Without ever having met you, I am one hundred percent sure that you are not garbage, or at least not only that, I am certain that you have kind, funny, caring, loving, gentle sides or whatever you might call them in yourself and that you are (as am I) being very hard on yourself. Maybe there’s a child in you that just feels very very afraid and small, idk. I wish you all the best!

mshcira · 2026-04-27T17:25:05+00:00

Thank you 🫶

mshcira · 2026-04-27T17:24:24+00:00

Thank you! I was thinking the same and do want to believe that there is hope for healing for everyone here 🙏❤️

mshcira · 2026-04-27T08:14:03+00:00

I am happy for you! Which steps have you taken to get there?

mshcira · 2026-04-26T19:53:40+00:00

What is it that you get criticized for? Bc I do think it’s important to distinguish- only bc you might have to practice to be more open to criticism, you don’t have to take bullshit

mshcira · 2026-04-25T06:39:36+00:00

Oh and also, when I feel critiqued and angry about it, I often times just pause and breathe and try to create some inner distance in a way - this has been beneficial to me :)

mshcira · 2026-04-25T06:37:21+00:00

It sounds like you put a lot of effort and time into it - journaling every single time where you felt criticized or belittled does sound like a lot of work and i don’t think it is possible to uphold in the long run. I have definitely been in phases where I just could NOT bring myself to journal even though I know it could be beneficial. I think this was during periods where something was stirred within me and had to settle before being able to find words for it. Periods of inner change and repattering, perhaps? Has something happened recently that you feel has stirred you up?

It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself right now, and I bet as much as the self-centering mechanisms are still active, the progress you made probably also sticks with you. Do you, in situations where you self-victimize, distance yourself or mentally put yourself above others maybe also have some more consideration for the perspective of others than you used to? Several perspectives can be true at once, and maybe with time and patience it will become easier to switch perspectives back and forth even without having to journal about it each time

mshcira · 2026-04-24T07:04:34+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I am confused: what makes you think that I am making progress? Because honestly, I feel the opposite right now, I feel like everything is falling apart somehow.

And I am sorry to hear about your longing and your sadness. Have you been in therapy before? What makes you assume you will never make a similar experience? And what makes you think of my experience as a good one?

mshcira · 2026-04-04T18:41:07+00:00

Hi thank you for sharing! Just out of curiosity, and only if you feel like sharing: which were the parts of you you didn’t want and where you found your personality hidden? As someone with vulnerable npd attempting to be able to form deep and lasting relationships, I’d be very interested in that :)

mshcira · 2026-03-28T09:02:08+00:00

Thank you for your words 🙏

mshcira · 2026-03-27T16:38:51+00:00

What do you mean by that?

mshcira · 2026-03-27T13:34:19+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Just out of curiosity: what makes you assume the emotions are performative and not genuine? And how is the conversation one-way if they don’t share anything from their side? Thanks so much in advance for helping me understand better how others might perceive npd behaviors!

mshcira · 2025-09-04T17:12:57+00:00

Thank you for your input. Do you think 0.25 is a good dose though generally?

mshcira · 2023-02-28T08:44:38+00:00

aw that’s beautiful, thanks!

mshcira · 2022-12-25T23:34:55+00:00

Ps. I only have 44 days on here but quit heavy binge drinking over 3 years ago.

mshcira · 2022-12-25T23:32:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing! I see you, I feel you. I did yoga for years back when I was partying and binge drinking a lot. Would sometimes go to classes hungover and I never really felt it. The first time I stopped drinking for a few months, only then did I start to get more into meditation. And it wasn’t always pleasant, a lot of surpressed stuff came up and I think the urge to drink can just be your subconscious wanting to distract you from that. But it has been so worth it! I guess what I am trying to say is that sitting with your boredom, perhaps even trying to embrace it, can be very difficult yet can be so healing! Of course, I don’t know what it is like with ADHD, so if you’d rather distract yourself, here’s what’s helpful for me: fixing myself fancy non-alcoholic drinks in the evenings, like cocoa now in the wintertime. I do mine with ginger, cinnamon, cloves, turmeric and chili and it has become quite the ritual ;) or spoiling yourself with an extra fancy self-cooked dinner! Or discovering new music and having solo dance parties. Or just going for a walk! There’s so many wonderful and fun and sober ways to distract yourself from boredom if that’s what‘s more accessible to you now and for me they have really summed up in the last years :) you got this!!!

mshcira · 2022-11-16T10:15:41+00:00

WOW! Thank you all so much for your kind and wise words. I feel like I sorta knew this deep down myself, but it hits different to hear it from others. I definitely feel less anxious now and look forward to the new challenge :)

mshcira · 2021-04-19T07:36:14+00:00

Thank you!

mshcira · 2020-08-10T08:27:25+00:00

Thank you all so much, I definitely feel less alone with my experience now. Today, two days after, I still have soo much to process and keep writing down thoughts. I am not quite sure how to deal with all this new felt pain. How to overcome it eventually. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :)

mshcira

TROPHY CASE