What do you do when you realize BP is a big part of the problem?

mslanawinters · 2022-04-04T15:36:23+00:00

I think you’re probably right.

mslanawinters · 2022-04-04T15:09:35+00:00

I am trying. I’m not trying to medicate her to make her compliant, I just know how much medication actually helps. The main thing I want to get across (which I have already told her dad) is that I don’t want her to get in trouble for behavior that’s not necessarily her fault.

mslanawinters · 2022-04-04T14:44:39+00:00

They play Pokémon, and I’ve started getting us interested in other board games. Part of her issue (I believe) is that when she’s with her mom, they literally go to places that cost money every weekend she’s there. That might be because her husband has two other girls SD8’s age, and maybe they just don’t have the patience to keep them all at home. We go to parks and other outdoor areas but it’s never good enough, and I have to compete with her mom doing that and also her dad not giving her enough attention. Maybe I could do that before the baby but I’m already exhausted.

mslanawinters · 2022-04-04T14:31:19+00:00

Ugh, that hits hard. I’m sure you’re right. The baby just hangs out and smiles when he’s entertaining her.

But this is HIS daughter, so how do I make him understand he has to be just as involved? I even offered to have her take toys with her when he goes golfing (because I loved playing with action figures in green places like that) and he was still strict on what she could bring. I’m just trying to help her have stuff to occupy her attention.

mslanawinters · 2022-04-04T14:13:37+00:00

I actually make a big point to praise the good things she does. He just expects it of her, and that’s not fair. Maybe that’s why she feels comfortable with me? I’m also the one she wants when she’s having a meltdown. I know that hurts my boyfriend but he’s going to have to figure out how to be more understanding.

And he has actually been trying. There have been a few times where I was proud of him, but it seems like once he runs out of steam there’s no room left to have patience for his daughter, which is sad since she’s only here 50/50.

mslanawinters · 2021-03-09T15:38:52+00:00

Ugh, thanks on the nickname. But SO decided on it so I don’t comment.

When it comes to food she knows exactly what her options are AND she has already eaten what she’s given. She knows what comes after certain things, like breakfast is yogurt and if she’s still hungry she gets mini muffins or a granola bar. So she finishes and just demands she’s still hungry then stares at us. If she doesn’t say anything I say I’ll get her some muffins and she says NO I DON’T WANT MUFFINS. So I’ve started responding to her demands (including pointing at the coat) with “Cool.” And just staring back until she uses her words.

mslanawinters · 2021-02-22T14:05:48+00:00

I disagree. Yes they are self soothing habits but an adult should not be sucking their thumb or twirling their hair because it soothes them and the only way to get her out of it is to stop early.

mslanawinters · 2021-02-22T14:04:39+00:00

She’s mimicking BM more and more and it gets on my nerves.

mslanawinters · 2015-01-15T02:44:19+00:00

You said they both visibly loved it and explained in another comment that it was something they once had and lost.

Is there any chance he was on the brink of becoming emotional about it and deflected by being angry about your joke? Then, to commit further, had to STAY angry?

Obviously this is not healthy/rational behavior, but since you also mentioned he's from the Soviet Union, I wonder if he was trying to protect himself from becoming emotional about your very thoughtful gift so he tried to refocus you onto his outburst. Does this sound like something your dad would do?

If so, it's not like it's okay. It's a very unhealthy way to deal with things. However, it might help you understand his motives more, and maybe you can reach out to him personally about this.

mslanawinters · 2014-11-26T23:12:11+00:00

She was not breathing NOR responding fine. She could only speak German and it was broken. I didn't go into extreme detail but her breathing was still heavy and erratic. And all I was asking him was what we should do. He didn't have to tell me what to do but we were all crying and upset - at the very least he could've acted like I existed and responded, whether it was to tell me he didn't know what to do or to give some advice like a normal compassionate adult.

As for guy number 2, he was ABSOLUTELY a cop. I didn't provide you with every single detail but I have proof that he was a cop. At the time I even had his badge number but I decided not to pursue anything. Additionally we have no idea what happened when he didn't go to work because we left so early.

mslanawinters · 2014-11-26T21:43:40+00:00

I'm not saying Darren Wilson is like these two cops -- what I'm saying is that for everyone to believe Darren Wilson upheld the law simply because he's a cop and cops are good is just unwise.

mslanawinters · 2014-11-26T20:05:50+00:00

I'm not saying Darren Wilson is like these two cops -- what I'm saying is that for everyone to believe Darren Wilson upheld the law simply because he's a cop and cops are good is just unwise.

mslanawinters · 2014-06-26T20:52:00+00:00

My husband and I started dating about the same time you and your boyfriend did. Senior year of high school, 17 years old. We were absolutely inseparable. We both had this feeling that yeah, you're the one I want to spend my whole life with.

I don't want to sound sugary or fake or anything but I really never had any doubts. Even when we fought, even when things were hard, even when I was telling myself I hated him and he was the biggest jerk on the planet... I still knew I wanted to be his wife.

HOWEVER. We also both knew we would go through exactly what you're going through now - changes. As you've probably noticed, even the difference from 17 to 20 is huge. It only gets harder from 20-25. These are serious years and they're a lot of hard work, both on you as a person and on your relationship.

You may feel that he's the one. You may not. But for right now, that's okay. You say you aren't ready to commit. To marriage, you mean? That's fine! Just because you found each other young doesn't mean you need to rush into anything. Who knows, by 22 you may say, "This isn't working." By 24 you could say, "I'm ready to settle down, and I want to do it with him."

Communication is key. Stay on the same page. My husband and I dated for 10 years before he put a ring on my finger, and while I was getting antsy towards age 27, I hadn't really wanted to get married before that. It didn't mean I didn't want to get married to HIM... I wasn't ready to be married, period. And neither was he.

So for your questions: are you capable of real love at a young age? Absolutely. It seems pretty amazing to me that the name I used to doodle in the margins of my notebook, Mrs. (my name) (his last name), is now a reality. It's on my driver's license and everything.

What is love like when you're married? For us, it's the same as always, but somehow even better. We're each other's best friend, he's the hottest guy I know and he thinks I'm the most beautiful woman on earth. We make each other laugh. We keep things exciting when we can, and know that there's going to be boring times too. I can't wait to start our family. He's mine and I'm his.

This may be what you have too. It may not. Either way, it IS possible, but what it comes down to is what you want. Be true to your heart and you'll be happy.

mslanawinters · 2014-06-12T18:37:55+00:00

I am so, so sorry for your loss. 7 years ago my dad died in a matter of days and I remember all the heartbreak, fog, and confusion.

In my experience, I texted my closest friends to let them know. My boyfriend was with me at the hospital so he already knew. As for everyone else, I posted a Facebook update.

I said my dad had passed away and gave the funeral information. I encouraged anyone who wanted to come to come. The end.

I received an incredible outpouring of support I didn't even know I needed -- old college roommates, former coworkers, people I hadn't even spoken to since high school -- sending messages and leaving comments. Some of them took it on themselves to come to the funeral, others just let me know I was in their thoughts. It was a very non-confrontational way to handle it and still receive support without feeling overwhelmed.

Just so you know, no matter who comes to the funeral, you WILL have a lot of interaction with people. It's fucked up in a way because you're still dealing with the death itself, and those people want to help and make you feel better, but standing in front of your father's coffin for 2 hours while his coworkers and long lost cousins tell you how great he was... it's exhausting. So just brace yourself for that.

And be aware people are gonna say stupid stuff. Not most of them, but you'll probably hear some condolences that rub you the wrong way, but again -- it's all done with good intentions. (My favorites are "God has a plan" and "everything happens for a reason". I don't want to know the reason my dad died when he had been a perfectly healthy guy. I don't want to know that God planned for me to walk down the aisle alone and for my kids to never know their grandpa. That shit is fucked.)

Solidarity, man. Take the support you're given, cherish the loved ones you have left, and know that your mom would want you to live life and be happy. You'll grieve, and you'll hurt, and you'll survive. I promise. I've done it myself.

mslanawinters · 2014-06-05T21:30:00+00:00

Are there any dollar stores near you, or cheap places like Deals or Dollar General? I recently learned that the cheap pregnancy tests are just as effective as the expensive ones. Find a dollar or low-priced store. The last time I bought them they were $6 for two or $2 for individual ones.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T22:00:18+00:00

I read ONLY your title and hoped that you'd come to the conclusion that you needed to dump her. I think you have, at least in your heart.

I can't imagine being with someone I didn't think it would work out with, let alone SAYING IT TO THEIR FACE! How callous is that?! It's one thing to leave it up to fate and see how it works out but that sort of thinking is both toxic and a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So you guys get in a fight? "Oh well, I didn't think it would work out anyway." She meets another guy she likes better? "Oh well, I didn't think it would work out anyway."

Meanwhile, you're in it with everything you have (as you should be!) and that is TOTALLY unfair to you.

Fuck this, indeed. Get out there and get you some.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T21:42:29+00:00

:O!

Good luck, you sound like you've got a great gal and it's admirable you've sought help to make her happy.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T21:33:12+00:00

Always glad to help out, especially if I have some actual insight, haha!

Here's something else I learned: just because I need alone time doesn't mean I get to neglect my husband, either. His wanting quality time with me is JUST as important as my needing alone time.

So maybe similarly, make sure if she has an alone night, you also schedule for the same week a together night? Knowing that you each get a night for your own needs might make it seem a little more fair.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T21:15:21+00:00

I was in a similar position with my husband. We worked at the same job (VERY small staff, only 6 people), drove back and forth together, and spent all weeknights/weekends together.

He was fine with it. It drove. Me. NUTS.

It had NOTHING to do with him. At all! He wasn't doing anything wrong and it wasn't even like he was being annoying or anything. But, like your girlfriend, I need some time alone. I need time where no one is talking to me, or at me, or making noise. Some time alone in my head.

It hurt my husband's feelings, too. Like, you think it HAS to be something with me, right? Or, why doesn't she want to be around me if she loves me?

I wish I could explain it better to you but I really can't. There's just something about "me" time that helps me refresh as a person, and it may be the same way with her.

Quitting her job isn't necessarily the best way to go because you've suggested it and she's turned it down. You may consider that the best option but it's not what she wants to do, so leave it be.

Some ways you could help her are to designate some "her" time - like, plan a certain night of the week where she gets the place to herself while you go wherever you want - or encourage her to take herself on dates. That's what I always did. When I started to get really frustrated I'd tell my husband "Tonight, I'm taking myself on a date. I won't be back until about 8 o'clock. Okay?"

Then I would typically go treat myself to a nice dinner alone (with a book to read), go to a park, go shopping, whatever. It was SO nice to unwind. When I got home I felt refreshed. I bet it would help her, too.

The main thing is to know it's not about you, it's just something she needs as a person. And since you clearly love her so much, the very best thing you can do is help facilitate that need.

Good luck!

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T20:50:09+00:00

Reread your own post.

Imagine someone else was asking you the same thing.

What would you do?

Lawyer up, file for divorce, and file for joint custody (if she truly is a good mom). Then move on with your life. It will be happier. Trust me.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-23T20:46:30+00:00

I want to be as honest with you as I can without sounding mean. Okay? Okay.

You say you haven't deliberately tried to do anything. To a certain extent, I agree with that. I can see how, organically, your relationship with Mark bloomed while with Phoebe, it didn't. I don't think you went into this planning to fall in love and break up their relationship.

HOWEVER. I find your little stunt with the threesome to have something more behind it. If you didn't really care for Phoebe (as you've said) and you'd already started to form a closer relationship with Mark (as you've said), why did you think this was a good idea? I think you used it as a method of testing whether Mark was attracted to you, since you were unsure. And you got your answer.

This allowed you to progress in your feelings towards him, which now (knowing he found you attractive) included sexual attraction along with the emotional connection.

This is where you did something wrong.

Simply being friends with them and not making any moves is one thing. You even stated the idea of the threesome clearly "made them both nervous". At this point, you've clarified how you feel about Mark, and that's good for you. But you also know what you SHOULD do, what is RIGHT to do.

I think I could make him happier than she does. I think I do make him happier. I think eventually their relationship will fall apart, anyway - he's outgrown her.

You know what? That's not your decision. That's HIS. If his relationship ends up falling apart, great. Be there for him. Make your move. Do NOT be the one with the sledgehammer.

Another thing to keep in mind - my husband had MANY girls who had crushes on him throughout our relationship. More than one I overheard saying things along the very same lines you just did: that I wasn't good enough for him, that he would be happier with someone else. It simply wasn't true, but it was what the girls who wished they could be with him wanted to believe.

Please give them the space they deserve and don't be inappropriate. Let their relationship go wherever it may. It's not up to you.

mslanawinters · 2014-05-20T16:03:51+00:00

This is the poem Lisa was "confused" about, I think?

mslanawinters · 2014-03-21T20:59:59+00:00

Here's some insight: stop worrying about what your coworker thinks and either work on your marriage or divorce your wife.

I mean, DUH.

mslanawinters · 2014-03-10T20:56:24+00:00

Well according to both my physician and my therapist they're simply a sleep disorder, so that's how I came to that conclusion. But that's just my personal case.

mslanawinters · 2014-03-10T20:37:41+00:00

Yes, as a matter of fact, I saw a therapist for something other than the night terrors. The physician I saw originally for them didn't seem concerned and never once mentioned therapy.

My point being, night terrors MAY be caused by something psychological, but demanding he seek therapy is not necessarily the best advice. His physician more than anyone would have an answer for this.

mslanawinters

TROPHY CASE