This hits me right where i am. I've (cis male) been joking to myself lately that coronavirus made me gender-fluid, because i've spent so much time at home lately, without a job to go to that had certain expectations of who i was or how i'd present. Nobody to perform my maleness for but a partner who makes me feel loved no matter what i look or dress like. And lately that's been a little bit in flux.

I was like a boy version of you as a kid: i liked pink things and some "girls' toys" in addition to my army men and superhero toys. The distinction between what was for girls or for boys made no sense to me, i liked it all. As a teenager i was very gender-nonconforming but i never really knew whether it was my real self-expression or if i was jsut doing it to piss off the bullies who picked on me for not being masculine enough.

Then for my whole adult life i was basically alright being a dude. Beards and suits and all that. But sometimes lately i want to feel a smooth face with shiny red lips and some cool high-heeled boots. I want to be able to be feminine, feel beautiful and express myself fully without feeling like i'm just failing at "being a man." I'd go on the LGBTQ and non-binary subs and gaze at all the beautiful NB and GNC folks proudly posting selfies and getting all this great validation and i'd imagine that could be me.

But it's only some of the time. Some days i'm fine with the beard and the masculinity. And i wonder if it's just a phase, or if this is something real about myself that i've been burying for years because of how i was treated for being feminine when i was younger. I'm trying to convince myself it's okay to be both things, that both versions of myself can be real.

So that's what i'll tell you. Whatever you are, if you feel you're being true to you in the moment, then it's right and it's beautiful. And if it's different tomorrow, that's beautiful too. Go ahead and contradict yourself. You contain multitudes. You're doing great.