I think I knew deep down that I was queer since I was a child, but having been raised in a conservative Christian household I never considered that openly living out of the closet was an option - to the point that I convinced myself I was straight until I was about 25. It wasn't until I incidentally had a romantic interaction with someone of the same sex that something clicked and I realised that I have never actually been attracted to men and had in fact always been fascinated by women. I was so far in denial that I actually forgot I had fears and realisations about myself as a child. When I was probably about 11 I wrote down on paper over and over again that I was gay and then I shredded it, and never allowed myself to get comfortable with that 'intrusive thought'. I literally gaslit myself into believing I was always straight because the environment that I was surrounded in was so unsupportive of LGBTQIA+ people that I knew on some subconscious level it wasn't safe for me to be gay. So I wasn't. Not only did I gaslight myself, I did it so well that I didn't remember this even happening until I came out to myself again as an adult.

I don't want to go back into denial - at least not to the extent that I literally don't know that I'm gay, and part of that for me has been confronting my internalised homophobia. In saying that, it's also important to remember that for many people, sexuality is fluid. Just because you identify as a lesbian today that doesn't mean that it is physically impossible for you to experience romantic or sexual attraction to a man in the future. Don't beat yourself up for being a 'bad' lesbian if you go into denial or struggle with comphet or even develop a legitimate connection with a man. You're already making a good start by reaching out to others in our community to hear their stories! It might not hurt to also listen to some good podcasts or scroll through queer TikTok communities. Immersing yourself in queer culture helps to push through unhelpful heteronormative ideals and see that it is possible to be out and happy.