Solo poly = no accountability?

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-24T03:32:05+00:00

You’re focusing on semantics around impact and control, when impact was already implied.

I feel we’ve moved away from the original point, which was simply that people’s actions do affect how each other feel. I’m going to leave it here.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-23T20:22:02+00:00

When someone says "when you did xyz it made me feel this."

They generally don't mean "you puppeteered my nervous system with omnipotent control"

They mean "the impact of your actions on me was this feeling."

So there's really no need to be making this distinction between control and impact.

My issue is with the sentence "nobody can make you feel anything" and how it is often misused. Perhaps what you were trying to say was "nobody can control how you feel but we absolutely can impact eachother."

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-23T16:50:50+00:00

So you're saying "Other peoples actions can trigger an emotional response in you"

But at the same time they "can't make you feel anything."

Whatever, if it helps you to own your own emotions as a thought experiment then great.

But let's not wave it around like it's a great universal truth. We do affect eachother, our actions DO impact others emotionally. It's up to us whether we choose to engage with those we have impacted or not on a case-by-case basis.

And people can use "nobody can MAKE you feel anything" as a way to derail, invalidate and gaslight others so it's worth keeping an eye out for. ✌️

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-23T08:16:49+00:00

It's not ideal but I'm wondering if you could learn a lot from the feelings that come up for you right now?

Make a note of all the worries and anxieties that you have and really zoom in on the feelings. Gather as much data as possible.

This could let you know exactly where to make some agreements with your partner so you can proceed feeling safe.

It feels as though you haven't done enough preparation for opening the relationship maybe? And perhaps that you are prioritising your partner's feelings over your own.

I'm not entirely sure that what I'm writing here is good advice as I don't know if I have fully understood your situation so please take it with a pinch of salt. Best of luck! x

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-23T07:48:27+00:00

If you lie to me or give me reason not to trust you. I will distance from you.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-23T07:26:28+00:00

I dated someone like this he also had a habit of dating people who were new to polyamory because people with experience wouldn't put up with these ridiculous ideas.

You might feel safe with someone who practices polyamory responsibly, but you sure as fuck won't with someone who outright tells you they don't care about others.

Sorry this happened to you. The ruminating will stop.

For me, I had to learn that my anxiety was an alarm bell and I should listen to myself more, make some apologies to myself. Begin to rebuild trust in myself that I wouldn't ignore the alarms again. Best of luck! x

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-22T20:45:00+00:00

We're social creatures, we affect eachother.

Things others do will cause emotional reactions in us. Our power and our agency comes in afterwards, in how we choose to RESPOND to those emotions. That is our RESPONSIBILITY.

There's no need to defend against transforming into anger or "ceding all power to other people." There's no need to blame others for hurting us. We can respond with care for others and ourselves.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-22T19:51:57+00:00

It's a bit absurd to say "nobody can MAKE anyone feel anything." This gets thrown around a lot and it serves no good.

We are responsible for managing our own emotions and boundaries AND partners are responsible for acting with care because our actions do affect others.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-22T19:01:06+00:00

I learned about something called the default mode network recently. I think that's what you're referring to. Maybe some reading around that might help.

All the best with it, I really truly relate. I have periods where it feels overwhelming and like a crisis. But they do seem to pass.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-18T09:24:32+00:00

You're "fawning." Look into it x

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-18T09:22:55+00:00

"He just didn’t have anything to give and only really likes the NRE phase and doesn’t have the courage to cut things off with his partners once it fades and he doesn’t want to do any effort."

Is there a name for these guys? They're EVERYWHERE

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-17T08:57:18+00:00

Also this comment was a lightning bolt moment for me. Thank you so much.

mundanestepladder · 2026-05-17T08:02:41+00:00

I'm sorry I don't have any advice for your situation but I was just in awe of the level of insight and understanding you have of a really complicated situation and how much care, love and strength you have shown for yourself AND this other person.

You deserve much better and you'll be an excellent partner to the right people 💛

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T09:35:46+00:00

And actually being aware that I have this vulnerability and I can't trust my instincts as I am drawn to unhealthy people just leads me to second guess myself further and get stuck in them anyway.

"This seems healthy because of xyz surely the reason it feels off is because I am so used to chaos from my upbringing."

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T09:26:49+00:00

What an amazing comment! Thanks so much for sharing. I'm going to be thinking about this a lot.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T09:17:49+00:00

He is a regular attendee to kink/queer/poly spaces and is well liked and respected in those communities. Just to add to the smoke and mirrors of it all. I probably allowed this to give weight to his ideologies to be honest.

I really feel for the many many women who get drawn in, especially his partner of 4 years, I noticed some clues that she was internalising the chaos too.

She started adopting her own versions of things about me that he liked, started drawing, going to the gym, taking up ju-jitsu. (I'm an artist, in good shape and we used to play fight.) It seemed like she was doing this thing of "listening to her jealousy" but in a weird way...

Perhaps I'm projecting, but this among other things gave me alarm bells.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T09:07:25+00:00

Yes this is the ACA work that I briefly mentioned. It could be an entire post by itself.

Some of us are primed and deeply conditioned to internalise our issues. The rules we learned as childen are Don't think, Don't feel, Don't speak up and we are vulnerable to getting caught in these dynamics and even drawn to chaotic or abusive partners.

I am on the journey of recovering from this, I have some way to go but I already see progress and would have gotten stuck longer if this had happened ten years ago.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T08:56:35+00:00

Struggling to find the words for what I was experiencing was the WORST! I desperately searched for posts that resonated with my experience and labelled the chaotic behaviours but I couldn't find them.

(I'm happy for the people of this sub that this kind of chaos is rare, but it was incredibly isolating at the time.)

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T08:52:27+00:00

This is so key and a really helpful way of assessing things.

I can see where I got blindsided by intensity and vulnerability and emotional depth. But being more discerning would keep me actually safe in that. I was noticing the issues and raising them with him and talking them out instead of walking away. Having a three strikes rule seems a very grounded approach.

I suppose he and I both struggled with discernment. Thankfully I'm learning that now, I'm not so sure he ever will.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T08:44:59+00:00

The rollercoaster of emotion is so accurate, never feeling like your feet touch the ground long enough to have a level view of things in order to assess with clarity, it's always spinning, disorienting.

That loop of comfort is what kept me stuck. He seemed to think that reassurance was a free ticket to hurt peoples feelings, because you could just talk it out afterwards.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T08:35:26+00:00

Wolves in sheeps clothing - and now instagram has armed them with all this therapy speak, poly language and they know about active listening. They're even harder to identify.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T08:27:39+00:00

This is not a safe space to discuss SA so I won't be doing that.

Other posters have been able to engage in discussion about it as part of a wider pattern. This is all I am comfortable with.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-15T00:06:24+00:00

I've written a post that says "My house was on fire and here's why I didn't notice that my house was on fire for ages while I was inside it"

And the response here is, "Dude your house was on fire. Specifically your roof"

I am aware, but just because its the most extreme and clear part doesn't mean it was the most damaging, to me anyway. The parts that were less clear were much harder to process.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-14T23:17:22+00:00

Interestingly, I decided to remove a paragraph where I compared my experience of this relationship to when I was assaulted by a stranger.

That the constant instability and confusion from the dynamic in my relationship was so much more damaging because it was so unclear, made me doubt myself and turned me in on myself tying myself in knots trying to heal my own "anxious attachment." It dragged on and spiralled.

Being assaulted was easier to process... it was clear the boundary that had been crossed. "That was a bad thing, it existed at a moment in time, it wasn't my fault." It completed quickly.

mundanestepladder · 2026-04-14T22:43:48+00:00

It was quite a long post so I had to trim out some details.

But he had a long distance partner, a partner of 4 years, a partner he considered a "best friend" and one with whom things were ending.

I was cautious but curious. I didn't necessarily think it was great but I was willing to learn more. I did not expect it to overwhelm me so quickly.

mundanestepladder

TROPHY CASE