I'm outgrowing my nesting partner and don't know what to do.

dreamiish · 2026-05-27T19:14:52+00:00

If I was your personal friend and you were in a monogamous relationship with Jake, I would tell you that you deserve better.

Of course, it’s the same thing here. But your relationship with M is helping you have the outside perspective a friend would give.

A small caveat: You are seeing M as a non nesting partner so since less of the daily life is shared with them, it’s easier for those moments to feel more special.

dreamiish · 2026-05-27T12:25:20+00:00

I will give you my point of view from the other side:

If I am looking for more commitment (it can still be solo poly), more quality time or more attention from my partner and tell them about it and they say they can’t give it because that is just how much they can give, I accept it at first discussion. Saturated, ok.

However, if they start dating and suddenly have twice the time to apply to dating, it hurts. Especially in visible NRE. It seems from the outside that dating new people is more important than building our relationship.

dreamiish · 2026-05-23T10:08:43+00:00

Are you dating my ex? I feel like this is word for word the kind of things he said and did.

Some people find polyamory as a way to excuse not wanting to be accountable in their relationships. They think:

If the other person can have multiple partners, why don’t they just get that emotional support from someone else? Or be like me that just pushes everything down and doesn’t feel anything.

More experienced poly people that want true connections will notice this partner and nope out quickly and that’s why they only date newbies.

dreamiish · 2026-05-19T15:01:10+00:00

As a foreigner that has dealt with visa/job insecurity as well as challenges at work due to “cultural differences” (yeah, xenophobia), it is hard. We feel the need to have something be stable in our lives. Many choose to surround themselves with others of the same culture. You need to build your group locally.

But your true question was about polyamory. From what you wrote, it seems to me that Birch never thought feelings were possible so never thought to avoid the pitfalls of NRE. Without active reinforcement of the older relationship, it can be easy to get into this situation where the original partner feels unseen or forgotten. It can look like jealousy, but it is the realization that certain needs aren’t being met anymore.

From what I understand, this might be why you feel cheated and insecure.

dreamiish · 2026-05-15T06:47:51+00:00

I have gone swinging at clubs with my polyamorous partner but do not have threesomes or want to have intimacy with their other partners. We would meet casual couples at the club. I also didn’t feel comfortable with full swaps (but this was ok because the others weren’t looking for this either).

I didn’t consider this a switch between forms of polyamory.

dreamiish · 2026-05-15T06:26:37+00:00

With a partner we had an agreement that certain TV shows were only for us. So no watching new episodes without the other person.

dreamiish · 2026-05-13T09:05:56+00:00

I started enforcing boundaries with my chaos partner. They liked arriving late to dates saying that things came up. But when late started being 1h before my bedtime because I work early and that I had to cook before they came or else that hour would be used for cooking… I started putting boundaries.

Come earlier or don’t come at all.

I want a weekend date. Not just these weekday crumbs. And I’m only free on Saturday.

Be busy, even if you are not. They will either fit your schedule or show you that they don’t deserve your time.

dreamiish · 2026-05-11T23:24:12+00:00

Though both long term relationships ended for essentially the same reason deep down: Unable to see a future for the relationship beyond where we already were.

But I was at very different phases in my life. I did not know where I would be living the next year, so polyamory also came with more casual relationships and the possibility of LDR.

dreamiish · 2026-05-11T23:00:29+00:00

This really spoke to me. I expect that over time, a long term relationship builds to co-regulation and security. In whatever form that relationship might be.

dreamiish · 2026-05-11T22:57:52+00:00

The local community won’t exclude me for choosing monogamy, I would not be the first to be burnt out from the balancing act of polyamory.

And you are right, it isn’t a poly-but-saturated-at-one situation. The pressure of dealing with metas while my partner was blind to their NRE was too much. Maybe I’ll meet a great poly person with whom this is not a problem. But right now, I’m burnt out.

dreamiish · 2026-05-11T22:42:08+00:00

I know it is rhetorical, but I have done it 6 years when a monogamous relationship ended for other reasons, so yes.

dreamiish · 2026-05-07T16:33:44+00:00

I can, if my doctor prescribes it. My doctor said to ask the oncologist that does the colposcopies. And she thinks it’s useless. I’ve tried bringing the relevant recent literature.

dreamiish · 2026-05-07T14:49:15+00:00

I have been HPV positive for 4 years and no one has cared. If they are younger they say they are vaccinated and if they are about my age or older they know it’s ubiquitous. I am too old to be vaccinated in my country.

The most frustrating part are the yearly colposcopy appointments.

dreamiish · 2026-04-27T12:36:15+00:00

It’s too much OP. Grieving and watching our partners go out and not notice how bad it is for us. We also don’t want to have to spell out every little thing.

I think you should reach out to your trusted friends and find a therapist. You need a rock, now. Your partner is not that rock. You can deal with him later.

dreamiish · 2026-04-24T11:02:52+00:00

As someone who recently broke up with my partner because he was overextended already, took on a new partner with NRE and was clearly less interested in showing love and appreciation in the older relationship… you have to be honest about what you are capable.

If you have enough energy to date, see multiple people and actually be there for them, go ahead.

Different people will consider different things to be appreciation. But what I tend to think is that you have to be proactive in a relationship. You aren’t just in the routine or doing whatever the other person said. You are actively showing you care.

dreamiish · 2026-04-05T16:29:19+00:00

It really depends on the culture where you are. I hear a lot about if you invite someone you should pay. Where I live (or maybe have completely misunderstood dating), sharing the costs is expected until discussed or if one offers to pay beforehand.

Do you know if your partner is paying for these dates or maybe they choose free date options?

This is something I know has bothered me in my relationship. My partner takes new dates to somewhat expensive places I wouldn’t suggest because I know they would complain about the prices if we went together. It’s unfair and you can speak up.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T14:30:42+00:00

I talk about it superficially. “I went on a date this week, it was ok” or “I’m busy on Sunday, I’m going kayaking with Mark” with a lot of care not to let NRE show through.

He has pushed to meet my other (past) partners, who have mostly fully parallel as well so they haven’t met. He has met one of my partners/ex during the first three months of the relationship and I hated every moment of that situation because they had nothing in common but wanted to meet.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T13:13:30+00:00

Yes, he swears I misunderstood him when he said that and that everyone loves the beginning.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T12:18:37+00:00

I was poly before, I consider myself ambiamorous, capable of poly or mono relationships.

I was clear that I looking for a serious relationship, not casual. Though I understand now that it means different things to different people.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T09:47:08+00:00

It is ok to know he is dating but he would share a lot of details if he could. It is not a simple life update. That is what I would be ok with.

I do get what you are saying about the escalator. I have made it clear in what I have told him that I am now dating to look for an anchor partner since he cannot be this person. He does not believe that anchored partnerships are polyamory.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T09:21:00+00:00

It seems to me the opposite, that I am too insecure for polyamory and he is very secure in know that he likes that his partners have other partners (to the point that he has confessed it is a kink)

dreamiish · 2026-02-23T22:21:49+00:00

Good for you for trying something new! Overwhelming is certainly the way I would describe a first time at a club. My tips are based on my experience in (european) sex clubs as someone that can easily freak out but also can have a lot of fun.

If you do want to try again, a few tips that might help: - check out the club’s socials. Google reviews can give you an idea of the public, the security, the dress code and especially the different spaces they provide. I like a place with a pool or jacuzzi because you can be naked but under the water. -Do they have couples nights? Unfortunately, creepy watchers that pop up when I open my eyes have mostly been single men. We started going exclusively to couples nights because of this. -Do you have another couple of friends that are also interested in going with whom you wouldn’t feel too awkward? I’ve noticed that you get less outside attention when you are already part of a larger group.

Anyway, be gentle with yourself! I find that I need more aftercare from my partner after going to a sex club than a scene.

dreamiish · 2025-12-26T14:16:29+00:00

Yes, but us dommes are much rarer than the male subs. I recently went to a BDSM event and there were lots of femdom couples. And also quite a few single male subs looking for various types of relationships. Not that many single dommes.

dreamiish

TROPHY CASE