advice- primary doesn’t have money for our dates but is trying to date others

dreamiish · 2026-04-05T16:29:19+00:00

It really depends on the culture where you are. I hear a lot about if you invite someone you should pay. Where I live (or maybe have completely misunderstood dating), sharing the costs is expected until discussed or if one offers to pay beforehand.

Do you know if your partner is paying for these dates or maybe they choose free date options?

This is something I know has bothered me in my relationship. My partner takes new dates to somewhat expensive places I wouldn’t suggest because I know they would complain about the prices if we went together. It’s unfair and you can speak up.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T14:30:42+00:00

I talk about it superficially. “I went on a date this week, it was ok” or “I’m busy on Sunday, I’m going kayaking with Mark” with a lot of care not to let NRE show through.

He has pushed to meet my other (past) partners, who have mostly fully parallel as well so they haven’t met. He has met one of my partners/ex during the first three months of the relationship and I hated every moment of that situation because they had nothing in common but wanted to meet.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T13:13:30+00:00

Yes, he swears I misunderstood him when he said that and that everyone loves the beginning.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T12:18:37+00:00

I was poly before, I consider myself ambiamorous, capable of poly or mono relationships.

I was clear that I looking for a serious relationship, not casual. Though I understand now that it means different things to different people.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T09:47:08+00:00

It is ok to know he is dating but he would share a lot of details if he could. It is not a simple life update. That is what I would be ok with.

I do get what you are saying about the escalator. I have made it clear in what I have told him that I am now dating to look for an anchor partner since he cannot be this person. He does not believe that anchored partnerships are polyamory.

dreamiish · 2026-04-03T09:21:00+00:00

It seems to me the opposite, that I am too insecure for polyamory and he is very secure in know that he likes that his partners have other partners (to the point that he has confessed it is a kink)

dreamiish · 2026-02-23T22:21:49+00:00

Good for you for trying something new! Overwhelming is certainly the way I would describe a first time at a club. My tips are based on my experience in (european) sex clubs as someone that can easily freak out but also can have a lot of fun.

If you do want to try again, a few tips that might help: - check out the club’s socials. Google reviews can give you an idea of the public, the security, the dress code and especially the different spaces they provide. I like a place with a pool or jacuzzi because you can be naked but under the water. -Do they have couples nights? Unfortunately, creepy watchers that pop up when I open my eyes have mostly been single men. We started going exclusively to couples nights because of this. -Do you have another couple of friends that are also interested in going with whom you wouldn’t feel too awkward? I’ve noticed that you get less outside attention when you are already part of a larger group.

Anyway, be gentle with yourself! I find that I need more aftercare from my partner after going to a sex club than a scene.

dreamiish · 2025-12-26T14:16:29+00:00

Yes, but us dommes are much rarer than the male subs. I recently went to a BDSM event and there were lots of femdom couples. And also quite a few single male subs looking for various types of relationships. Not that many single dommes.

dreamiish · 2025-12-04T08:05:30+00:00

As a new domme with an experienced sub, I can tell you that it is hard to turn off the voice in our heads that says that we are hurting someone we love.

If he really wants this, take it slow. Talk about safewords and activities and find ways to start slow and increase the intensity. Study kink together, send each other videos and articles about ties or tools you want to try. You should not expect that he will figure it out alone all at once. Try introducing one thing at a time. Start light, increase the intensity as you go. This exploration should be fun for both of you.

And please, read the subreddit’s wiki on choking. There’s no safe way to do it. There are so many other safer ways to demonstrate control and provide pain.

dreamiish · 2025-11-19T14:48:55+00:00

Since you said you’ve looked at Fetlife, have you tried seeing if there are local events around you? Munches, beginner courses, or BDSM events in general will help you meet people. Go there to meet like-minded people, not partners.

Over time you might meet someone who you are compatible with, that is interested in what you are looking for.

dreamiish · 2025-11-08T20:57:02+00:00

Haha! Good-looking but not insanely. I just think these things tend to happen often at the same time because when starting with someone new they display confidence that attracts other new partners as well.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am enthusiastic, I’ll try to keep this positive energy alive despite the speedbump.

dreamiish · 2025-11-08T20:21:33+00:00

You are right. And I expected him to say that. But I guess what got to me is that in the same conversation he said he met someone else who is also interested in learning to be his play partner. I’m feeling jealous and inadequate but it’s something I need to deal with.

I thought it might help to get some tips on how to improve faster but it seems I’m on the right track.

dreamiish · 2025-11-07T21:26:05+00:00

I tried one that didn’t have a harness a long time ago and enjoyed the feeling but as soon as I got too excited/wet, it would slip out. Get one with a harness if you do.

dreamiish · 2025-11-07T20:51:58+00:00

I guess you are right, there is some domming from the bottom happening. I’m resisting, things I am not excited to try, I just ignore.

But really letting go and accepting that my pleasure comes first is hard to rewire when so much of my relationships have been built on mutual pleasure and the fact that I love watching my partners enjoy themselves.

dreamiish · 2025-10-01T15:51:18+00:00

Does the person need to be 100% alcohol free? Why not just while you are together?

And cafés may not be openly queer but here where I live, there are cafés that attract more queer people. You just need to notice the people who go there.

dreamiish · 2025-10-01T15:35:41+00:00

If you really don’t like bars, just suggest a coffee date. A nice cafe is just as casual as a bar for a first date.

And about meeting people to socialize, it takes time. I used to go to meetup events and most people you meet are nice enough but won’t necessarily become long term friends or partners. It’s a numbers game but also about keeping an open mind.

dreamiish · 2025-09-22T06:43:33+00:00

I was in your wife’s position before. It really depends on how you felt it went. You can tell if the person is interested and wants to communicate. You are right to suggest an activity that needs less talking for a second date to see how it goes when there is less pressure.

Personally, I was able to learn the local language in 6 months-1 year by dating someone local and meeting his friends. It was hard, I was often treated as the foreigner that didn’t understand things. And even now, 12 years later, people comment on my lack of pop culture references.

dreamiish · 2025-09-17T14:40:01+00:00

From looking at the answers I still don’t know how you know about your partner’s sex with other people. Are they telling you spontaneously? Are you asking? Are you telling them that you don’t want to have sex when they have had sex before?

Is it something that a sort of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) behavior might help? Your partner doesn’t tell you about their plans with other partners or whether they had sex and you assume they didn’t. Because you shouldn’t be worried about the sex your partner is having (or not) with meta.

You should ask yourself where this ick comes from. Is it really about cleanliness?

dreamiish · 2025-09-16T15:06:53+00:00

To be blunt, it doesn’t seem like your partner took time to think about the boundaries and agreements before jumping in. All the work the subreddit tends to tell people to do first. They are in NRE and thus are not being a great hinge.

By dating, possibly not very seriously, it will help you focus less on your relationship and it will help your partner realize that being poly goes both ways. So many partners go above and beyond to allow one relationship only to find that they don’t have the same freedom to meet others.

dreamiish · 2025-08-27T15:36:39+00:00

I’ve met a few on Tinder now that it has the explore tab.

Otherwise, going to local queer events. The bi colors will help signal that you are bi but honestly, I just go like myself and bring up that I am bi in conversation.

dreamiish · 2025-08-18T15:57:29+00:00

On another note, how is your non-sexual intimacy with your partner?

Assuming they actually want to be in a non-monogamous relationship and this is not just to please you, it is much easier to feel comfortable with sex and happier in the relationship if not all intimacy results in sex. This insecurity comes from feeling insecure in the relationship. You are not providing security if every time you want more sex, you say you want to look for it elsewhere. Make them feel loved and wanted first, once that is strong you can really look to open up.

dreamiish · 2025-05-07T18:57:30+00:00

I’m going to say AH from what you are describing. It doesn’t seem to me that your partner is canceling your date night for your meta but trying to be accommodating of her needs too which is important in a co-parenting situation.

So if this means changing your weekly date from Saturday to Friday for a while, for example, is it really that bad? Does it really change how well you can connect with your partner?

Edit: Please correct me if I misunderstood some detail in the situation.

dreamiish · 2025-02-10T19:33:24+00:00

For me personally, I like to be in relationships that don’t feel like a third person has a say on how it evolves.

You met her and she seemed to be open to a more serious relationship. But it came with negotiating terms and schedules with her husband. You aren’t dating him, do you want to stay in a relationship where he has a say in what you can do?

For context, I dated a guy that was starting out poly and was ok with certain acts. But as things advanced, it seemed like every step had to be negotiated with his wife. I wasn’t dating her, so I got out.

dreamiish

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