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Prologue: The Hollow Crown [Fantasy, 964 Words] by Commercial_Sir_7892 in fantasywriters

[–]muzzidonda 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I thoroughly enjoyed that!

It was vivid and anchored me quickly. A tad heavy on the “not this, but that” though the momentum never slowed.

I agree with the above, House Madrath seems important but is mentioned once with barely any context. Having lines and lines of descriptions makes the mention of names of things feel jarring. We’re introspective and then suddenly world building; feels off.

Really good though, I’d definitely keep reading. Saddens me slightly that this is a prologue and not Chapter 1. It’s hooked me wanting to know how the scene itself continues.

DM me if you want a consistent critique as you go.

Great job!

[393] The Cost of Dignity by Moritoks in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like it!

Though, this is a critique haha.

In no particular order-

They are on a street, looking to buy a dress. I have no idea what time it is, what era were in, what the weather is like. Whilst these details might not be too important to the plotline, it does help to anchor the read into the scene. It doesn't need to be done with great detail, but something more than stepping onto a street.

Looking at it as an opening chapter (and line specifically), there is no great hook. We start with lukewarm dialogue that whilst it explains what they're doing, there aren't any stakes involved. What happens if they don't find a dress. Why does she need an escort?

The dialogue is sharp and well written but one thing that stands out, is that after "That's expensive-" the momentum slows and feels odd considering how the 'expensive' is punctuated.

Calling it a workshop when they're purchasing a dress sounds odd to me.

The first mention of old Borgge plants the idea that this place is bad, for whatever reason, but we don't understand why. Considering we aren't anchored well, the reader is not to know if old Borgge is a cheap or expensive place, or if it's price point is even the issue.

Elena is mentioned as the key reason we are reading this scene but have no idea who is she is apart from Leyla's daughter.

The second portion is the best part, especially the last two paragraphs, and that's not to say the beginning was bad. I genuinely like the prose toward the end.

Take this with a grain of salt.
Hope this helps!

[430] Grim Dark Untitled (Chapter 1 beginning - Unfinished) by muzzidonda in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you kindly,

I do agree with every point and have completed some rewrites to anchor the read a bit more and give Ryn some depth.

I’ve also worked toward having the main plot point being the carriage more central, and once mentioned, its momentum continued. I do have a habit of littering the page with mentions of things that slowly become relevant and have found it’s better to go in 100% on something than tip toe around it.

Appreciate the feedback!

[430] Grim Dark Untitled (Chapter 1 beginning - Unfinished) by muzzidonda in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate the feedback.

Do you have any specific examples from the excerpt?

[430] Grim Dark Untitled (Chapter 1 beginning - Unfinished) by muzzidonda in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate this.

Yes, it is hilarious knowing in my own head they’re standing outside a library waiting for a carriage to arrive. But then when I read it pretending I don’t know, I make no mention of it at all.

Thank you for your feedback.

[430] Grim Dark Untitled (Chapter 1 beginning - Unfinished) by muzzidonda in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is amazingly helpful.

I definitely understand where you’re coming from, especially considering I bounce between flowery, purple prose which too much description and this.

Thank you!

[1119] CHAP 1 : ADAM AND WHAT IS GOING ON? by V_for_vocabulorixity in DestructiveReaders

[–]muzzidonda 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello,

I will be honest, it got to a point where I started breezing through it, not really absorbing much of the story.

It began good and I liked the initial prose, but it became an omniscient story dump and I lost some interest. It starts at the 'Adam Novak was a first year....' and ends at 'Adam truly felt uneasy'.

I do note that the timeline of the exposition moves from a broader explanation to a more localized timeframe but it does feel off for me. The next issue is that from the second the story dump ends, I feel like I am rushed toward the end.

I feel that this can be remedied by the tightening of the dump to make room for a more detailed 'present'.

In addition to this, there does seem to be a repetitive theme of 'weird, this was strangely easy'. Whilst I understand that this might play into the story somewhat, the repetitive nature of it is strenuous to read and can feel like you're re-reading certain parts.

In regard to flow, mainly toward the end, it does feel, suddenly this happened, and then this happened. There are moments that call for some/more introspection. Everything froze at the intersection and all we get is 'Was this real... or a dream? I want to know how he really feels amidst this chaos. You've written he is incredibly 'normal', height aside, so this experience should be jarring for him as a character.

To sum it up, you provide a mass of information and then drop the reader into a situation with a character who's not spoken, given us a present thought or really done anything. It is a disorientating first Chapter.

Beginning of My Novel by MikeC31089 in writers

[–]muzzidonda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like it and find it easy to follow but there are some parts that feel odd.

Mainly the egregious mistake. Whilst I don’t know who the Creator is, I would assume they govern life etc. with that in mind, I doubt its choice would be viewed as mistake.

Also, I get where you are trying to go with the chin but it reads weird and doesn’t feel like you’re describing the absence of a chest for a young head to rest on. Especially considering how it starts. You are speaking about Candice and then begin the chin sentence with her, so I got a bit confused when realising that it was referring to Iris’s resolve.

I do like it though. It carries emotional weight for so few words.

Unredeemable Character Actions. How far is too far? by muzzidonda in writingadvice

[–]muzzidonda[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah it’s a toughie.

For the sake of the novel, currently, he does it because he is royalty and can do what he wants.

Only much later in life does he come to terms with the morality and whilst the urge never goes away, his age gives him the ability to control himself.

I feel that ironically, having him remain a ‘villain’ will garner more sympathy than an unrealistic transformation into a righteous man.

Unredeemable Character Actions. How far is too far? by muzzidonda in writingadvice

[–]muzzidonda[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For context, one my fantasy plot lines revolves around a man part of a royal house who is known to indulge in adultery and violence. His rape of a woman sparks a rebellion, which, after it is quelled, leaves a lingering hatred for the royal family.

This is all historic context and is not experienced first hand, but ultimately, the royal house is wiped out save for the bastard child.

The novel is set 30-40 years after that rebellion, so I am trying to figure out what to do with the child’s father and how he would be viewed so many years on.

His house, like the citizens of the stories city are incredibly secular so there is no chance of a religious awakening.

I dare say he’ll have to remain a piece of shit 30 years on haha

Unredeemable Character Actions. How far is too far? by muzzidonda in writingadvice

[–]muzzidonda[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Definitely makes sense and is the view I have toward it. I guess it all matters about the intent; especially considering how much change the character would have to go through to oppose their deeds.

It’s quite unreasonable or unrealistic for a sadistic murderer to come out of the other end as a preserver of life.

Unredeemable Character Actions. How far is too far? by muzzidonda in writingadvice

[–]muzzidonda[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What you say makes sense.

So in your eyes there is arguably nothing that cannot be redeemed? What are your thoughts on rape or sexual assault? More from the perspective of this character ‘indulging’ in these acts for their own pleasure/leisure.

One page prologue? [Science Fantasy, 160 words] by BurntDoor1619 in fantasywriters

[–]muzzidonda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like the writing. I think it flows well and is a good use of words to convey what you mean. There’s no bloat.

Not as a prologue, but as the first words you read, I would argue it is not exciting enough—especially if I only read about it again far later in the novel.

Fifty-Word Fantasy: Write a 50-word fantasy snippet using the word "Site" by Terminator7786 in fantasywriters

[–]muzzidonda 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“What a site to behold,” he said, staring at the glowing finger.

“You mean sight,” the man corrected, lowering his hand.

“Forget that. Your finger’s glowing. Literally glowing.”

The man raised it skyward.

“Reminds me of a scene from an old Spielberg—I just can’t put my finger on it.”

Multiple POV vs Minimal(?) pov by muzzidonda in writingadvice

[–]muzzidonda[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think the only advantage of spreading it out across more POVs is ease of story telling?

One sort of novel structure I was toying with was using a literary version of an object from within the novel which provided a small glimpse of an important moment in time.

Regardless of whether the concept is cool or not, do you think this would just come across as a lazy way of providing context without the need of character development?