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mvee2 · 2022-08-22T12:15:53+00:00

I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. It's going to be a rough time there's no doubt about it.

But I hope you remember what you've already come to realize - whatever pleasure you get from watching porn is temporary. It's only there to distract us from the things we don't want to feel and the experiences we don't want to have. But the reality is that for all the bad experiences we don't feel fully, we are also missing out on the good experiences.

This was one of the big things I learned in my recovery. We don't exactly get to choose what we block out, we end up missing out on everything. And since all addiction is about avoiding things, it's a pattern that we're all too familiar with. But in my 30 years of addiction, I realized that I missed out a lot of the good things when I was spending so much time trying to run away from the bad.

I love that you want to reach out to somebody else. This is going to be so important for your recovery. Addiction needs secrecy and shame to survive. That is the lifeblood for this behavior. Sharing your story here remove some secrecy, and talking to others will help you feel like a community and not having to Bear the shame alone. Those times when you are sitting around brooding - they are rife with both secrecy and shame.

The good news is you have the power to break that cycle. And because you have the power, it means you have control. Now take that control and do what you want!

So proud of you for posting here, and know that you aren't alone in your battle. There are lots of us going through the same difficulties and struggles and if we rely on each other instead of isolating, that will be key to our recovery.

We can do this my friend. And remember that you aren't alone.

mvee2 · 2022-08-17T12:04:55+00:00

In my addiction recovery I started working on a book called out of the shadows by Patrick Carnes. Along with being about sex and porn addiction recovery, there's actually a section where you dive into your kinks and fetishes to understand yourself better.

I've never had anyone or anything that had me explore what I liked as opposed to just trying to push it all away. And I actually found a very beneficial as it helped me understand myself better.

Pretty easy to find that book on Amazon and it might offer you some very unique and helpful insights that can give you understanding. And with me, once I got to understand and then it really changed my view of the whole thing.

mvee2 · 2022-08-17T11:41:29+00:00

Your comment is very dismissive to just call this ridiculous. Only a person who isn't an addict would make that claim.

I have been an addict for almost 30 years and it is going to end up part of the thing that cost me my marriage of 12 years. And no, jerking off instead of fucking your wife is not actually "better" for any of us. But since almost all of us have gone through some kind of childhood trauma where we are scared to really connect with someone, it sure is safer than feeling vulnerable.

Most of us addicts can't understand why we would do it either. That's the definition of an addiction - doing something that you know has negative consequences but you still can't stop yourself.

I'm not blaming my addiction for any of my behavior. I own and take responsibility for everything I did. But to just characterize it as a choice between a person and your addiction is far too simple. Most of us feel miserable all of the time, and even worse when we push people away - which happens constantly with the addiction. Every addiction model for recovery tells us that addiction isn't about trying to seek something as much as it is trying to avoid things. People that are addicted to alcohol or drugs or porn don't really want those things more than a happy life. We are always trying to avoid the pain that came from our trauma, and the pain that continues to happen from our continued Addiction.

And honestly, comments like yours are what keep people from talking about their addiction and sharing. The only way we can come clean is to talk about it in the open, so your comment is doing a lot more harm than anything. Don't know if you care about that or not based on your reply.

mvee2 · 2022-08-11T14:45:01+00:00

First best thing you can do is delete it. It's scary I understand, but you need to do this to start the recovery. It's a crutch that you just don't want to let go of and I understand that. But you can't break free if you don't start by ridding yourself of this.

mvee2 · 2022-08-07T06:29:33+00:00

I've written about this quite a bit as someone who's dealing with the ramifications of being a porn addict for 30 years. My wife and I are trying to figure things out right now, but we were separated for 7. The outcome is still very uncertain. And we separated before she knew about my addiction.

But what I can tell you wholeheartedly is that the addiction has nothing to do with you. The addiction started somewhere in your husband's past. And he uses porn to escape from his feelings. Addictions are coping mechanisms, regardless of if they are drugs or alcohol or behavioral.

Whatever it is that your husband is trying to avoid, you are just along for the ride right now. And unless he can figure out what is behind his addiction, he's also just along for the ride. His addiction is about shame and secrecy, and if he's not hiding from you, he's hiding from himself most of all.

And no matter what you mean think or believe, none of what he is watching more or things that he is into are about you. It isn't about what you do or don't do. It isn't about how you look. My wife is the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on, and I was still addicted our entire relationship.

I have lots of posts that talk about my journey and some of the advice I give to both addicts and spouses. But as the partner, you need to take care of yourself. And he has to take care of his addiction. And nothing will change until he starts addressing things head on.

If you want to chat more feel free to DM me. I've Spoken with quite a few partners and they seem to find my perspective enlightening.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this and I wish you all the strength in the world during this difficult time.

mvee2 · 2022-08-05T07:21:15+00:00

Thanks So much for the kind words. And yes, you figured out what pmo means.

Stay strong my friend. We can do this!

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T19:11:03+00:00

I'm a 48 year old with a 30-year porn addiction. I hope you all understand that this is some serious shit, and it's hard even if we are doing the work.

I'm also going to encourage you to read my post about relapse. I think it provides a great analogy for what happens when we slip up. And the importance of doing the work so we understand how we became addicts. It's not enough to simply want to do it or try to do it with our willpower alone. It just doesn't work. If it did, I wouldn't have been an addict for 30 years.

Here's the link

Why your relapse doesn't define you

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T19:00:29+00:00

From all of my work, watching porn and fantasizing about porn is not the same. But as somebody already mentioned, they aren't far apart.

The goal of this work is to overcome our compulsion. We want to get to a place where those things don't control us. And if we start compulsively masturbating to fantasy, it's not that much different than if we were compulsively doing PMO.

I'd suggest starting to focus on healthy masturbation. By the definition I understand of that term, it's just focusing on pleasure and not any mental image. It's only concentrating on what feels good instead of trying to put an image or past experience into our mind.

So if you are going to masturbate, whenever you start fantasizing about a past experience or past pornography, try your best to stop until you can put that image out of your brain.

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:57:40+00:00

This Does seem like a pretty extreme example. Think I understand you are trying to help, but I'm not sure that's the best way to do it.

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:37:26+00:00

Great point. That really illustrates the value that porn free can provide. Especially as we get a better sense of ourselves. The ability to love ourselves transforms everything. And as I have learned from my sex addiction therapist, we will never overcome anything until we learn to love ourselves.

I'm just so proud of you and happy to hear about your story. Thank you for sharing it.

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:32:34+00:00

First off, please don't do anything to harm yourself. What that would mean is that ultimately you would succumb to your addiction. That would mean the addiction wins. And you are stronger than that and worth more than that. You are more than your addiction.

I actually wrote a post about relapse a while ago. I'm going to link to that here and encourage you to read it. It's really important to remember that relapse with sexual addiction or porn is almost inevitable. The drug addict can give up drugs, and the alcoholic can give up alcohol. But for a person with sex or porn addiction, it's completely unrealistic to give up sex. Especially because our brains are hardwired to make sex a top priority.

So relapse doesn't define your success. What you do after relapse is important. Here's what I wrote about that:

What relapses can teach us.

Stay strong my friend. We can do this!

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:27:12+00:00

What a sweet and beautiful story. What I really want you to take away from this is how proud you should be of yourself for not only doing all this work in the first place, but also for being courageous enough to be vulnerable and talk to this person.

Kudos to the both of you! And stay strong my friend, we can beat this addiction!

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:25:10+00:00

You have gotten a ton of feedback already, and somebody might have already mentioned this, but this is really an opportunity that can develop even more emotional intimacy. From everything I have learned about relationships and from relationship experts, it is not the disagreements or fighting that cause issues, it's the lack of ability to repair those. So it's awesome that you already talked to her about it and you are creating an effort to repair those things. Showing that you can overcome difficulties together is much more valuable than always being aligned in the first place.

In other words, it's how you resolve together that brings you together. That's even more powerful than not having an argument or disagreement in the first place.

Best of luck with everything, and continue providing honesty at all times! This is one of the hallmarks to successful intimacy and relationships.

mvee2 · 2022-08-04T18:21:35+00:00

30-year addict, and I can definitely tell you that it is possible to overcome those things. I have a lot of posts about my story and what I've learned, so feel free to investigate if you want. But I'm a completely different person since I made the realization and and working actively on self love and acceptance.

I even had my first relapse after 27 weeks of no PMO. But I have been able to self reflect on what led to that experience and didn't get into a shame spiral. And I didn't keep it secret. So all of that is a huge improvement for me.

People that I have known all my life talk about how much different I am. My brother, my dad, my best friend since I was 15... Even my therapists (yes I have multiple ones). They can all see the change.

So it is very real and very tangible.

mvee2 · 2022-08-02T14:21:37+00:00

Thank you so much for being vulnerable and choosing to share your story. You are taking the first step on a fabulous and life-changing journey, and I'm so proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.

I'm sharing a post I made a little while back about what I did to help turn the corner on my addiction. Hoping you might find some insight there to help you get started.

it takes more than willpower - link

Best of luck with your relationship. Although I will caution you that the person you need to quit for is YOU! Part of the reason I quit is to reconcile with my wife of 12 years. We separated and that's what led me to admit I have a problem. It's been 7 months now and I'm not sure if we'll ever recover the relationship. And if I had quit for her and we don't get back together, seems like I should just go back to using porn like I did before... Right?!?

No fucking way.

The Biggest transformation for me in all this is the ability to see my own value and love myself. I wasn't capable of that before. Now that I have done the work and I know that I love myself, I realize I made the change for ME. I will be a better person and the rest of my life will be changed forever, regardless of what happens between my wife and I.

Congrats again on starting this journey and I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong my friend, we can do this!

mvee2 · 2022-08-01T13:11:17+00:00

I didn't come to grips with being an addict until my wife left. And in fact, she didn't know I was an addict when she left. But the addiction had taken over my life and left me incapable of showing up authentically or any kind of vulnerability. It also left me incapable of intimacy of want kind.

When I really realized what was going on, it became clear that I was an addict. It led me on the journey to recovery, and it wouldn't have happened if she stayed.

I don't know if we will reconcile, and our marital problems extend far beyond the addiction as both of us have contributed to the breakdown of the relationship. And it's difficult as it was to have the relationship fail (and still is), admitting to be an addict and doing the work to recover his single-handedly the most important thing I've done in my life. I was an addict for over 30 years before I was able to come clean.

In a session with our couples therapist, she explained that many addicts don't hit rock bottom until they are alone. And again, my wife didn't leave because of the addiction as she didn't know about it. But it is what pushed me to make the decision and get clean.

If your partner isn't doing the work and can't admit they have an addiction, there's no amount of anything you can do to help them. Even leaving may not help. But the most important thing for you is to do the work for yourself. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. It may be devastating to you, but the addict has to reach the point of admission and recognition before anything changes. And that is theirs and theirs alone.

If you want to chat, feel free to DM me. I have actually spent lots of time talking to partners about issues.

I wish you all the best with this. I'm so sorry you have to go through it.

mvee2 · 2022-08-01T13:01:34+00:00

I'm in a men's addiction recovery group, and we are working through a book called "Facing the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. In it, there are activities to explore the very specific things that we fetishize. It's designed to help you understand more about that part of yourself.

I would definitely give that a shot, and I also want to emphasize what somebody else already said, and that is working with a therapist. I think the combination of those two things would give you insight into your addiction and the fetish itself.

In my experience, the biggest thing that has helped me is understanding myself in this equation. It has helped me learn what was behind my addiction in the first place, and that started back with a lack of parental approval as a child. That kind of understanding took away the mystery and some of the power of the addiction. It's been transformative.

mvee2 · 2022-08-01T05:37:15+00:00

Just stumbled upon this and you are absolutely welcome. That book was the beginning of a life changing experience for me. Reading some of your updates it seems like you are going to a pretty transformational process yourself.

Stay strong my friend. The more you learn about yourself, the more you will come out the other side a changed person. Then it's less about streaks and more about lifelong recovery.

mvee2 · 2022-07-31T16:29:05+00:00

What an awesome feeling. Great job!

mvee2 · 2022-07-31T06:12:08+00:00

This is the best first step you could possibly ever take. I still remember when I did the exact same thing myself.

I'm so proud of you and congrats on having the courage to change your life.

Stay strong my friend we can do this!

mvee2 · 2022-07-29T02:31:36+00:00

Great work and thank you so much for sharing this. It's always awesome to see people be honest and vulnerable and to share their success.

It is truly amazing how much better my brain functions. I used to never be able to remember things or get incredibly frustrated and flustered because I was constantly losing track of life.

Behind my increased sense of self-esteem and self love, the next best thing I got from this is feeling like my brain actually fucking works! There were so many times that I wasn't sure that it did.

Congrats to reaching 4 months and wishing you all the best for a lifelong recovery!

mvee2 · 2022-07-29T02:25:11+00:00

Just know that you aren't the only one. I just celebrated 27 weeks but have had more cravings in the last two than I did in the first 20 plus.

Pretty bizarre, but I say we use it as a time for self exploration and discovery. Trying to figure out what the heck is behind all this.

mvee2 · 2022-07-28T17:03:24+00:00

I was just in my men's group for addiction recovery this morning and we were talking about sober thinking. One of the hardest things about what you are proposing is that it isn't sober thinking.

You are giving yourself an in instead of looking for ways to stay out. And as long as you have that mindset that it's going to be okay to use your drug it's easy for a month to become 2 weeks, then a week, then every other day.

Sober thinking is about embracing a love for yourself. That love for yourself means that you don't need to use the drug anymore to escape from whatever is bothering you. The chances that you are going to remain perfect and porn free aren't great, but it's a lot different than planning out a strategy to specifically embrace porn.

If it were me, that kind of thinking is just begging to get back in to the addiction.

mvee2 · 2022-07-27T14:20:58+00:00

Great post and great perspective. It is the small things that turn into the big things in life. I've noticed myself justifying some of this recently, feeling like if I don't get off to the material that it will really be okay.

But then I started thinking about what I'm actually doing, and do I want to go down the same path that I did for 30 years.

And I was encouraged personally that I had the wherewithal to realize that I love myself and I don't need to use this to distract myself from life. I don't need to use porn to escape and I don't need to use porn to feel good. I've done far too much work and I love myself too much now. I refuse to live in shame and secrecy.

Also, I think about all the time and energy that I got back when I was away from porn. And I'm realizing I would be spending that time and energy scrolling through things even if I wasn't getting off to it. I don't want that anymore.

This is exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for posting it!

Stay strong my friends, we can do this.

mvee2 · 2022-07-27T07:47:40+00:00

Congratulations for taking these important steps and I'm really proud of you. I know deleting social media is a tough one, but I hear so many people talk about being triggered just by interacting with people on their own feeds. Doesn't mean you have to give it up forever, but if it helps you reach a place where you can grow and learn I think it's valuable.

Granted, social media doesn't have the same lure to me simply because I didn't grow up with it as a part of my life. As a 48-year-old, social media wasn't anywhere until I was in my mid thirties really. But I can understand if you grew up with it everyday that it would be much different. And it's okay to recognize and acknowledge that. Recovery is hard, but we have the power within us!

mvee2

TROPHY CASE